I know this is not a very Christmas-y topic here but basically I am strongly considering ending my relationship with my Parents, for too many reasons to describe in a simple post, but here is a first go at it.
Family Structure:
1 Older Brother (Estranged Roid-Rager) - A narcissistic steroid using liar, was abusive both emotionally & physically when I was young & has become emotionally abusive to my Mother. When I tried to protect her from his displaced rage, it ended our "relationship." He is a trained killer & ever since he reenlisted because he "didn't want to work for the man" the family has favored him simply because he has put himself in harms way on purpose to get attention. Meanwhile I have always played the "good son" being there for everyone else while they take me completely for granted...because I am always there, I am always the rock, the given. I picked up the pieces when he left the family for military school, because his anger was out of control, this also contributed to my parents divorce. So I got lost in plain site & never get a fair shake. Instead I suffer with PSTD while everyone else is in freaking denial & too busy to give a crap what is happening to me because they have their head up their a*ses with their petty power jobs.
1 Mother (Grandma Slumlord) - Twice Divorced, now dating an idiot schmuck who thinks he is God's gift to men, the oboe, classical music, in reality he is a convicted felon ego driven douche-bag. My Mom is very vein buys loads of superficial crap, obsesses over a clean house and making everything look perfect. Her perfectionism has tainted my mind making me obsess over even the smallest details of my life, feeding various aspects of my illness. I even found out that she had breast implants done a few years ago when I brought up the subject of silicone poisoning from implants. "well I haven't had any problems...I was SOOO shocked. She has a giant house, 2 ridiculous SUVs that she does not need, and spends her time working herself to death instead of spending time with or helping her family.
Let Your Family Burn...How Motherly
We lived in her condo for 3 years and were just paying the note, still barely surviving because of the cost of living on that part of the east coast of the US was so freaking expensive especially for a new family starting out, straight out of college. My wife and I had two children during that time who my mother has grown to love. When were living in my Mom's condo she refused to fix anything, we had the main electrical box go up in flames literally started spitting smoke, sparks, we had to shut the power off because the wiring was 30 years old. My mom did not believe us. We showed her and she played it like nothing was wrong. She brought in a shady contractor, tried to pay him under the table to basically tell us that nothing was wrong, the fuses just needed replaced. We brought in an independent contractor who told us that the building was not up to code, what the shady contractor had done was illegal, the house could have burned down any day in the past four months. We confronted my Mom with this and at that point shelled the cash to do the minimum amount of work possible. She makes between 100-250K a year WTF? How Motherly.
Mom Accused Us of Starving Our Daughter
Oh yeah my Mother also accused us of starving our first child due to the fact that she was naturally skinny, which is because my wife is a very tiny Asian woman. The American doctors charts were all from bottle-fed white babies in the 1970s. My wife is Japanese and only breast fed our daughter. When my Mother confronted me with this accusation, and a bunch of bad information from poorly sourced websites, I was so enraged I told her that if she truly believed that crap she could call child services and I handed her the phone, left the house.
Wrongfully Laid Off, Moved To The West Coast
So after I got fired wrongfully (because I was actually doing my job right) from my ex-shady employer we decided we had had enough with everything there and we moved to the West Coast 3 months ago. We ended up being the victims of a moving scam, and the moving company took us for $8,000 which we did not even have. Both of my parents just acted like nothing was happening. When I told my mom we were moving she just said "Well I'm not going to like that" She did not even lift a finger to give us a good reference for a mover, and she knows tons of them cause she works in real estate.
Different People, Realization No Normal Childhood
My parents & I are very different people and that is fine. This consideration I am making is because the relationships I have with them are superficial and frankly just shams. I always used to tell my shrinks when they asked about my past that I had a "normal childhood" up to the age of Fifteen ([DLMURL]http://ptsdforum.org/showthread.php?t=12695[/DLMURL]) up until two weeks ago, when my new shrink asked me two question simple questions & my entire construct / world came crashing down on me. No I did not have a normal childhood, and many of the factors in it made me more likely to develop PTSD.
1 Father (Grandpa Scrooge) & 1 Stepmother (Functioning Alcoholic)
My Dad has always been emotionally unavailable & always obsessed with money. Cash drives his every decision, every emotion & every action. Though he makes the better part of 300K a year he lives his life as if he is dirt poor hoarding his money for what? Every relationship, every decision is haggled as if it were a business deal. My brother picked up on this early, it contributed to his anger & stopped talking to my Dad ten years ago. When I called my Dad to tell him about the Moving Scam...he said "Well I don't know anything about that"
Scenario...you kid calls you because he has been mugged and left in the street bleeding. Do you just say "I don't know anything about that" and hang up the phone to free yourself of any responsibility? No you help them, you help them no matter what, because you love them, because it is the right thing to do. No matter what!
The Setup (Feline Hostage Taking)
When we made the decision to leave for the West Coast, I was confronted with the worst decision I ever had to make. We had 3 cats but all of the apartments were 2 animals only. I could not ask my wife to give up her cat while I kept my two. The two male cats have fought and sprayed the house badly, with two little kids one of them was going to have to find a new home. My siamese cat seemed to like my Dad & Stepmom because he is a fixer, he finds broken people and loves them no matter what...because he is a really good cat. Also he is purebreed and worth $$$. I asked my Mom but she already has a male Siamese cat so that never would have worked. That left only my Dad & Stepmom...of course I asked all of my friends & most of them already had too many animals. When I asked my Dad to take the cat (who I consider to be my family member) he simply said "Well I don't like the idea." He has a giant house, more money then he can spend, has no friends, but did not want to help. The answer was no.
Found A Home, My Parents Lie to Me & Catnap my Cat
I found a home for my Cat Mr.S and had to make the really hard decision to place him in the home for good because those were the only acceptable terms for the new owner which I respected. I cried for two nights under high pressure because of the moving deadline (we were getting on a plane) & having to give up my cat. But the decision was made by me, and I gave the new owner my word that he was hers. After the cat had be transported, given to the new owner, my parents called her behind my back and said they wanted him back, and offered her a new kitten. They did not ask me, they did not call me until two days after the fact, it was already done. They took the cat without my consent, after they refused to take him for a few reasons...because if they did not, they knew deep down in their hearts that they would probably never hear from me again, for failure to support me & my family (wife & kids) in what was already a very bad situation for us all around. They also did it so that I would have to have a reason to talk to them again so as to get him back when I have a house where I can have 3 cats. Call it emotional blackmail, call it catnapping, I just call it wrong but that is pretty much just par for the course with my parents.
Goodbye, I Know Someday You Will Make Lots of $$$
When I went to leave for the West Coast my Dad only said two things to me "Well I wish we had gotten in one more game of racquetball" & then "I know someday that you will make a lot of money, just don't fight the whole world doing it" You know, I don't even know what the hell he meant by that. It does not matter I guess he will never understand that he is a major part of why I left that coast, a long with the superficial people, crappy rat race jobs, traffic, crappy quality of life, lack of culture & overall happiness. He will never understand the reasons I left because he is not capable, he is happy in that muck. You don't choose Portland to go make bricks of gold & untold millions. You go because you don't want your life to completely suck, because you need nature, art, music, beauty, food, diversity and want to raise your children somewhere...where they will not grow up to be your parents.
I Just Can't Live a Superficial Life Anymore
Basically the way my parents are is that they do the absolute bare-minimum they have to do in order to be in my life, there is no heart no love left, no real support. They just want photos of the grandkids to put on the corner of their offices so that they LOOK like they have a real family when clients or colleagues walk in. What they really want is a good elevator speech. I am tired of pretending, being take for granted, lied to, manipulated, not really being supported, tired of living a superficial life, being an emotional hostage in my own "family" and tired of not really having parents anyway. If somebody told me choose between having them and not. It would be NOT.
Should I Cut the Cord?
As you will probably infer from the information in this post, my parents are basically FUBAR. I have never felt so free being 3000 miles from them and knowing that they will play much less of a role in my life, and my children's (they really did not respect our decisions as parents did whatever they wanted regardless of instructions we gave them).
The only question now is should I just cut the cord completely? Can I?
Family Structure:
1 Older Brother (Estranged Roid-Rager) - A narcissistic steroid using liar, was abusive both emotionally & physically when I was young & has become emotionally abusive to my Mother. When I tried to protect her from his displaced rage, it ended our "relationship." He is a trained killer & ever since he reenlisted because he "didn't want to work for the man" the family has favored him simply because he has put himself in harms way on purpose to get attention. Meanwhile I have always played the "good son" being there for everyone else while they take me completely for granted...because I am always there, I am always the rock, the given. I picked up the pieces when he left the family for military school, because his anger was out of control, this also contributed to my parents divorce. So I got lost in plain site & never get a fair shake. Instead I suffer with PSTD while everyone else is in freaking denial & too busy to give a crap what is happening to me because they have their head up their a*ses with their petty power jobs.
1 Mother (Grandma Slumlord) - Twice Divorced, now dating an idiot schmuck who thinks he is God's gift to men, the oboe, classical music, in reality he is a convicted felon ego driven douche-bag. My Mom is very vein buys loads of superficial crap, obsesses over a clean house and making everything look perfect. Her perfectionism has tainted my mind making me obsess over even the smallest details of my life, feeding various aspects of my illness. I even found out that she had breast implants done a few years ago when I brought up the subject of silicone poisoning from implants. "well I haven't had any problems...I was SOOO shocked. She has a giant house, 2 ridiculous SUVs that she does not need, and spends her time working herself to death instead of spending time with or helping her family.
Let Your Family Burn...How Motherly
We lived in her condo for 3 years and were just paying the note, still barely surviving because of the cost of living on that part of the east coast of the US was so freaking expensive especially for a new family starting out, straight out of college. My wife and I had two children during that time who my mother has grown to love. When were living in my Mom's condo she refused to fix anything, we had the main electrical box go up in flames literally started spitting smoke, sparks, we had to shut the power off because the wiring was 30 years old. My mom did not believe us. We showed her and she played it like nothing was wrong. She brought in a shady contractor, tried to pay him under the table to basically tell us that nothing was wrong, the fuses just needed replaced. We brought in an independent contractor who told us that the building was not up to code, what the shady contractor had done was illegal, the house could have burned down any day in the past four months. We confronted my Mom with this and at that point shelled the cash to do the minimum amount of work possible. She makes between 100-250K a year WTF? How Motherly.
Mom Accused Us of Starving Our Daughter
Oh yeah my Mother also accused us of starving our first child due to the fact that she was naturally skinny, which is because my wife is a very tiny Asian woman. The American doctors charts were all from bottle-fed white babies in the 1970s. My wife is Japanese and only breast fed our daughter. When my Mother confronted me with this accusation, and a bunch of bad information from poorly sourced websites, I was so enraged I told her that if she truly believed that crap she could call child services and I handed her the phone, left the house.
Wrongfully Laid Off, Moved To The West Coast
So after I got fired wrongfully (because I was actually doing my job right) from my ex-shady employer we decided we had had enough with everything there and we moved to the West Coast 3 months ago. We ended up being the victims of a moving scam, and the moving company took us for $8,000 which we did not even have. Both of my parents just acted like nothing was happening. When I told my mom we were moving she just said "Well I'm not going to like that" She did not even lift a finger to give us a good reference for a mover, and she knows tons of them cause she works in real estate.
Different People, Realization No Normal Childhood
My parents & I are very different people and that is fine. This consideration I am making is because the relationships I have with them are superficial and frankly just shams. I always used to tell my shrinks when they asked about my past that I had a "normal childhood" up to the age of Fifteen ([DLMURL]http://ptsdforum.org/showthread.php?t=12695[/DLMURL]) up until two weeks ago, when my new shrink asked me two question simple questions & my entire construct / world came crashing down on me. No I did not have a normal childhood, and many of the factors in it made me more likely to develop PTSD.
1 Father (Grandpa Scrooge) & 1 Stepmother (Functioning Alcoholic)
My Dad has always been emotionally unavailable & always obsessed with money. Cash drives his every decision, every emotion & every action. Though he makes the better part of 300K a year he lives his life as if he is dirt poor hoarding his money for what? Every relationship, every decision is haggled as if it were a business deal. My brother picked up on this early, it contributed to his anger & stopped talking to my Dad ten years ago. When I called my Dad to tell him about the Moving Scam...he said "Well I don't know anything about that"
Scenario...you kid calls you because he has been mugged and left in the street bleeding. Do you just say "I don't know anything about that" and hang up the phone to free yourself of any responsibility? No you help them, you help them no matter what, because you love them, because it is the right thing to do. No matter what!
The Setup (Feline Hostage Taking)
When we made the decision to leave for the West Coast, I was confronted with the worst decision I ever had to make. We had 3 cats but all of the apartments were 2 animals only. I could not ask my wife to give up her cat while I kept my two. The two male cats have fought and sprayed the house badly, with two little kids one of them was going to have to find a new home. My siamese cat seemed to like my Dad & Stepmom because he is a fixer, he finds broken people and loves them no matter what...because he is a really good cat. Also he is purebreed and worth $$$. I asked my Mom but she already has a male Siamese cat so that never would have worked. That left only my Dad & Stepmom...of course I asked all of my friends & most of them already had too many animals. When I asked my Dad to take the cat (who I consider to be my family member) he simply said "Well I don't like the idea." He has a giant house, more money then he can spend, has no friends, but did not want to help. The answer was no.
Found A Home, My Parents Lie to Me & Catnap my Cat
I found a home for my Cat Mr.S and had to make the really hard decision to place him in the home for good because those were the only acceptable terms for the new owner which I respected. I cried for two nights under high pressure because of the moving deadline (we were getting on a plane) & having to give up my cat. But the decision was made by me, and I gave the new owner my word that he was hers. After the cat had be transported, given to the new owner, my parents called her behind my back and said they wanted him back, and offered her a new kitten. They did not ask me, they did not call me until two days after the fact, it was already done. They took the cat without my consent, after they refused to take him for a few reasons...because if they did not, they knew deep down in their hearts that they would probably never hear from me again, for failure to support me & my family (wife & kids) in what was already a very bad situation for us all around. They also did it so that I would have to have a reason to talk to them again so as to get him back when I have a house where I can have 3 cats. Call it emotional blackmail, call it catnapping, I just call it wrong but that is pretty much just par for the course with my parents.
Goodbye, I Know Someday You Will Make Lots of $$$
When I went to leave for the West Coast my Dad only said two things to me "Well I wish we had gotten in one more game of racquetball" & then "I know someday that you will make a lot of money, just don't fight the whole world doing it" You know, I don't even know what the hell he meant by that. It does not matter I guess he will never understand that he is a major part of why I left that coast, a long with the superficial people, crappy rat race jobs, traffic, crappy quality of life, lack of culture & overall happiness. He will never understand the reasons I left because he is not capable, he is happy in that muck. You don't choose Portland to go make bricks of gold & untold millions. You go because you don't want your life to completely suck, because you need nature, art, music, beauty, food, diversity and want to raise your children somewhere...where they will not grow up to be your parents.
I Just Can't Live a Superficial Life Anymore
Basically the way my parents are is that they do the absolute bare-minimum they have to do in order to be in my life, there is no heart no love left, no real support. They just want photos of the grandkids to put on the corner of their offices so that they LOOK like they have a real family when clients or colleagues walk in. What they really want is a good elevator speech. I am tired of pretending, being take for granted, lied to, manipulated, not really being supported, tired of living a superficial life, being an emotional hostage in my own "family" and tired of not really having parents anyway. If somebody told me choose between having them and not. It would be NOT.
Should I Cut the Cord?
As you will probably infer from the information in this post, my parents are basically FUBAR. I have never felt so free being 3000 miles from them and knowing that they will play much less of a role in my life, and my children's (they really did not respect our decisions as parents did whatever they wanted regardless of instructions we gave them).
The only question now is should I just cut the cord completely? Can I?
