General Consistency

[southwest]

I think context and meaning is relevant too. A person consistently trying is doing something positive, IMHO. Not perfection as @Weemie said. And a window; for example if a person is usually late, and now they're within 10 minutes, that's a good job. But that wouldn't work for an Employer .And to consider where we fall short, not other people. I'd rather have people be honest than consistent myself. Because to me that's the beginning of finding work arounds.

To me inconsistency is more like Jekyll and Hyde.

I agree that inconsistent is like jekyll and Hyde.

 

[Tinyflame]

@southwest I guess the only one who knows what she meant is her. But even if she meant how she interpreted you sitting on the couch meant x,y +z, based on her association to her ex and what they did and why and how things unfolded, without talking about it between you no one could understand what was wanted. It's ok to say what do you need from me, but she didn't elaborate and maybe didn't know herself what she needed, and you can't mind read. Maybe a better question first might have been, "Help me understand more?". Sounds like she forgot the first biggest thing she needed and she had was the fact you weren't her ex. It's hard for anyone else to know how someone feels if they don't say, or need more info to understand.

But that's the thing about communication, you need to have the message but also know it's received and valued or respected, and then explore it together to go forward. And in a relationship care enough to think of the well-being for both of you. And both take some initiative or risk. Sounds like far as communication goes the plane never landed. But mybe she needed reassurance or something else? She didn't really say how she felt, and I'm not sure you did. But also needed would be to own her own part. I am sorry it worked out as it did.

ETA (and I'm sorry I missed a post and made a booboo with the quote, but you said):

"I think what they wanted was someone that would always side with them and never show that they were upset. If I set a boundary say something like please send me a "I'm okay but I need space text." When they would cut communication for a week or more without warning I was told I'm not being consistent."

Idk know what she was thinking of course, but my understanding is your boundary is your response if it's crossed, what you need, such as ~"I would appreciate if you send me a text or communicate every (week/ day month- whatever you need, not BS'ing) just to let me know if you need time to yourself, to let me know you're ok or to know what you need, because I worry about you and I care and don't always know what's the right thing to do. And I also need that to feel connected and to feel we are going forward with a relationship together." That's the consitency it sounded like YOU needed. Or/ and better still, if you felt it and meant it to say, Idk what you felt but maybe something like, "I love to see you/ talk to you and I miss you. Can you let me know when you need space, or how often you want to talk? Maybe (tonight/ on saturday, the end of the day, etc)?" And/or, "You seem very upset, did I hurt you, as it wasn't my intention. Can you help me understand?" But then it takes 2 people, and the good will(img) of both. JMHO. From her comment it didn't sound like space was what she wanted from you, but it wasn't clear to me what she wanted either. Maybe she was simply too stuck in equating you to her ex. It's hard to not expect the same thing if the lessons are painful enough. And you're stuck in it and don't realize you also have to be the one to fight your own mindset and fears, even with help to do so.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I thought consistency means basically a median? No one can be consistent all the time, but that would be oddly boring too, in a way. Everyone is human, and there will always be disagreements or misunderstandings. I thought constency means more a person is true to their character, or their word, and to how you relate together? But it wouldn't mean a patient person doesn't lose their patience, or what have you.

I suppose I'm in the minority but I feel it's better to be genuine than do what one is 'supposed' to do. (Not withstanding boundaries and communication are very important, more so versus intentionally doing intermittent reinforcement, etc). And also what is very important is trust, honesty, respect, kindness, etc, but they take time and work. I think though I (personally) screw up a lot, but it comes often from my problem or fears, not someone else's fault. I think it was Friday herself too who said the nature of triggers is that they are often innouous things/ circumstances to others, so even if a supporter wanted to they couldn't usually predict them. (Sorry if that wasn't the best paraphrasing). But that wouldn't be fair to expect from someone, anyway. I think it would be fair to say it wouldn't be a good thing to be intentionally triggered, but that would seem to lack kindness, care or respect if one did that, if not worse, unless both people were in agreement with that.

Tinyflame - totally agree with your perspective about consistency - it is about character and their word and how you relate together ( quoting you) kindness, thoughfullness, commitment.
In toxic relationships the disruptions that occur are crazy- making . Circus .Hence the need for consistency when going into another new relationship.
For instance if we dont add the P at the end of relationship somewhat consistently we end up with a relationsh*T.
Hope that makes sense.
Regarding sitting on couch and she felt reminded of her ex - life is too short ! Communication on a couch is good Perhaps maybe try sitting on the floor if that helps!

will always be disagreements or misunderstandings. I thought constency means more a person is true to their character, or their word, and to how you relate together? But

@southwest I guess the only one who knows what she meant is her. But even if she meant how she interpreted you sitting on the couch meant x,y +z, based on her association to her ex and what they did and why and how things unfolded, without talking about it between you no one could understand what was wanted. It's ok to say what do you need from me, but she didn't elaborate and maybe didn't know herself what she needed, and you can't mind read. Maybe a better question first might have been, "Help me understand more?". Sounds like she forgot the first biggest thing she needed and she had was the fact you weren't her ex. It's hard for anyone else to know how someone feels if they don't say, or need more info to understand.

But that's the thing about communication, you need to have the message but also know it's received and valued or respected, and then explore it together to go forward. And in a relationship care enough to think of the well-being for both of you. And both take some initiative or risk. Sounds like far as communication goes the plane never landed. But mybe she needed reassurance or something else? She didn't really say how she felt, and I'm not sure you did. But also needed would be to own her own part. I am sorry it worked out as it did.

ETA (and I'm sorry I missed a post and made a booboo with the quote, but you said):

"I think what they wanted was someone that would always side with them and never show that they were upset. If I set a boundary say something like please send me a "I'm okay but I need space text." When they would cut communication for a week or more without warning I was told I'm not being consistent."

Idk know what she was thinking of course, but my understanding is your boundary is your response if it's crossed, what you need, such as ~"I would appreciate if you send me a text or communicate every (week/ day month- whatever you need, not BS'ing) just to let me know if you need time to yourself, to let me know you're ok or to know what you need, because I worry about you and I care and don't always know what's the right thing to do. And I also need that to feel connected and to feel we are going forward with a relationship together." That's the consitency it sounded like YOU needed. Or/ and better still, if you felt it and meant it to say, Idk what you felt but maybe something like, "I love to see you/ talk to you and I miss you. Can you let me know when you need space, or how often you want to talk? Maybe (tonight/ on saturday, the end of the day, etc)?" And/or, "You seem very upset, did I hurt you, as it wasn't my intention. Can you help me understand?" But then it takes 2 people, and the good will(img) of both. JMHO. From her comment it didn't sound like space was what she wanted from you, but it wasn't clear to me what she wanted either. Maybe she was simply too stuck in equating you to her ex. It's hard to not expect the same thing if the lessons are painful enough. And you're stuck in it and don't realize you also have to be the one to fight your own mindset and fears, even with help to do so.

Well said !!

needed. Or/ and better still, if you felt it and meant it to say, Idk what you felt but maybe something like, "I love to see you/ talk to you and I miss you. Can you let me know when you need space, or how often you want to talk? Maybe (tonight/ on saturday, the end of the day, etc)?" And/or, "You seem very upset, did I hurt you, as it wasn't my intention. Can you help me understand?" But then it takes 2 people, and the good will(img) of both

Tinyflame -Love the way you structured those sentences on how to ASK her!

But that's the thing about communication, you need to have the message but also know it's received and valued or respected, and then explore it together to go forward. And in a relationship care enough to think of the well-being for both of you. And both take some initiative or risk

Well said ! Such truth in this .

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand @Brumbyinthesunshine , it's hard for everyone to trust after bad experiences.

But equally, sitting on the couch for example is entirely normal. So would it have been a sane and healthier response from her to say, "I feel you're not listening" (or whatever), rather than react and meltdown. In an ideal world I think all human beings would feel less defensive or less aggressive, or at least try to not make the worst explanation. But we are usually inclined to and often inclined to draw the conclusion it's lack of care, or personal.

 

[southwest]

I understand @Brumbyinthesunshine , it's hard for everyone to trust after bad experiences.

But equally, sitting on the couch for example is entirely normal. So would it have been a sane and healthier response from her to say, "I feel you're not listening" (or whatever), rather than react and meltdown. In an ideal world I think all human beings would feel less defensive or less aggressive, or at least try to not make the worst explanation. But we are usually inclined to and often inclined to draw the conclusion it's lack of care, or personal.

Also just like to add I had no idea that this was a trigger and she had never brought to my attention that it was an issue until that moment. I immediately moved from that spot.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw @southwest I am sorry. But I do hope you can see you did nothing wrong with that? Nor do you not have the right to continue to sit. In fact, it's normal and a sign of relaxing or resting. Laughing later and sitting on the floor together, fine if you both want to or can. But not apologizing for a normal action/ reaction.

By analogy, I know I have a trigger that occurs when I see a person's body twist a certain way, I feel my heart in my throat and racing and a cold sweat in a millisecond. Now, there's no way on earth anyone could know or avoid that, or avoid doing that. There are times I probably do it myself. Six inches to the side might be different, or maybe a different expression, Idk. Similarly, Oreo cookies. Now if someone has them, it's ok it's their right. I don't have to look at them. I can say, they are a trigger, would you believe it. But ultimately, they just 'are'. If someone knew that and left them on my doorstep or under my pillow or gave them to me for Christmas every year now that would be weird. At least kind of cruel.

@southwest something came to me, not sure if it is helpful. Not sure how you think of triggers, but just for me (not speaking for others), I think what is very hard especially if I can't pin them down is that they are the instant 'back in it', of course. But what I've found equally difficult to deal with is the instant after; the lessons learned after or beliefs formed that weren't there the original time. Like, the trigger takes me back, but it also fills me with fear shortly after. By analogy, I would say watching a horror movie the 1st time: you could note a knife, the way the light comes in the window, the smell of toast, a type of car on the tv in the background. The 2nd time you watch the movie, you see the knife, feel the fear but think "I know where this goes". But with a trigger it's not a movie it's you. If that makes any sense whatsoever (and it doesn't usually make much sense to me during or immediately after. I'm only left with the feelings it means, not the obvious that it's not likely relevant in the same way today/ right now. It feels mighty relevant. and when it feels the same, it's hard to believe it isn't the same. )

 

[Tinyflame]

Was trying to find this for one last thing to add: I am always reminded of reading about a family so desperate for their loved one with schizophrenia they agreed to shake a bag of frozen veggies over their head. More heartbreaking than funny.

But mental illnesses, or mental health, encompass everything from depression, anxiety, substance abuse- so many things- that it's rare for someone not to deal with something short term or chronically. So much so that we don't always recognize they are a big fabric of our lives. Unfortunately though especially if they are we can minimize them as normal. And in doing so expect others to accommodate them.

I think when it comes to relationships those battles are sometimes shared by virtue of caring. It becomes a question of head, heart and sense, as well as personal choice as to what someone else can tolerate or accept or work with. And the willingness of the person themself to take onus. There is no wrong choice as to what can be accepted or not. When you are trying sure, you hope to find better ways or be forgiven. But that's not a given, and no fault if it can't be. Dealing with the challenges is not for everyone and at times not for anyone. Or very difficult.

 

[SKYdance]

To me, since I have asked for it many times in my relationship, consistency is an action that gives some reassurance in situations that are unpredictable. It's predictability, I think? Something that assures the person that throughout the chaos of life's ups and downs (because we all know that each day is different) that there will be some sort of order to the chaos (whatever your chaos looks like) When I asked for it from my partner, I was seeking some sort of promise of this so I could feel safe... I wasn't looking for perfection - ever. Maybe when people have experienced no order to their lives before in one way or another, they ask for some things that are constant which pose as order. And my relationship had started off so up and down that I then asked for the consistency. I hope this makes sense. It's very dependant on the context!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Just a random thought on a cloudy day - Someone once said "Motivation is what gets us started , consistency is what keeps us going ."