Hello, I'm not really sure how to begin this other than to say that I'm having difficulties adapting to civilian life. I was discharged in 2009 after serving in OIF II-III with 2/2 and 14th Marines. My MOS is 0621, but I rarely got to serve in that capacity. Mostly, I drove trucks around or was attached to grunt units.
I'm honestly not that stressed out about my combat experience. The most traumatic experience I had was actually due to the grunt units. I won't name it here, but it's a pretty funny story. Anyway, somehow, I was a driver, FRO, and SAW gunner all in one. Mostly, we just got blown up, because we were stupidly driving around in the daylight at 5mph, but when we did get attacked by the few insurgents with the balls to shoot, I had no problem with shooting back. I didn't feel anything that I can recall after the first bullet. Before that, I was nervous, but afterwards, the training just seemed to kick in. I was more concerned with finding a target than anything else, and making sure my M249 was talking.
My problems started after my deployments. I waived the VA counseling, figuring everything would be fine. Only it wasn't and I knew it. First, I ignored my girl until she left. I did not care. Then, I started drinking, not because I had any issues I knew of but because I was bored. Nothing in civilian life seemed to be on my level. Nobody worked like Marines do, nobody follows any orders in entry-level jobs. Somehow, I snapped right back in to the same mindset I had in combat. People may be people, and they are valuable, but even as I write the words I don't believe that. Why, I could not say. Maybe because they seem to serve no objective. I'm not sure.
What I am sure of is that I wasn't always this way. I used to inspire people. I lead from the front. Even in my pre-military life, people followed me. Even my sister-in-law, whom I hate, and who doesn't like me much, says "When he smiles, you just forget everything."
I don't remember how to be that person anymore. I still smile, and people still follow, but I'm afraid my smile is poison because there is nothing behind it. I feel less and less with each passing year, even after I quit drinking. Now, I cannot even begin to relate to most people. It's always a fake smile, or just an angry smile hiding knives. Worse, it becomes a laugh. I don't think I remember what it means to be truly happy any more. Not unless I have a clear objective, preferably one I can shoot.
As it is, I feel like threatening to kill anyone here who dares presume to question me. Not because I think I would win, no doubt there are veterans here who could out-shoot me, but just because I want to box them into failure. Not the best way to establish a friendship, I know, but I crave that kind of competition, just for the sake of it. I honestly think I might be something of a sociopath.
That said, I will never betray my oaths of service. It is utterly beyond me to do so. I may not know who I am, and I may have no feelings of import, but I remember who I am supposed to be. That alone is why I am here, seeking the counsel of other veterans. If all else fails, I know that you will hold me true to my word. Help me, brothers. I am lost without my unit.
I'm honestly not that stressed out about my combat experience. The most traumatic experience I had was actually due to the grunt units. I won't name it here, but it's a pretty funny story. Anyway, somehow, I was a driver, FRO, and SAW gunner all in one. Mostly, we just got blown up, because we were stupidly driving around in the daylight at 5mph, but when we did get attacked by the few insurgents with the balls to shoot, I had no problem with shooting back. I didn't feel anything that I can recall after the first bullet. Before that, I was nervous, but afterwards, the training just seemed to kick in. I was more concerned with finding a target than anything else, and making sure my M249 was talking.
My problems started after my deployments. I waived the VA counseling, figuring everything would be fine. Only it wasn't and I knew it. First, I ignored my girl until she left. I did not care. Then, I started drinking, not because I had any issues I knew of but because I was bored. Nothing in civilian life seemed to be on my level. Nobody worked like Marines do, nobody follows any orders in entry-level jobs. Somehow, I snapped right back in to the same mindset I had in combat. People may be people, and they are valuable, but even as I write the words I don't believe that. Why, I could not say. Maybe because they seem to serve no objective. I'm not sure.
What I am sure of is that I wasn't always this way. I used to inspire people. I lead from the front. Even in my pre-military life, people followed me. Even my sister-in-law, whom I hate, and who doesn't like me much, says "When he smiles, you just forget everything."
I don't remember how to be that person anymore. I still smile, and people still follow, but I'm afraid my smile is poison because there is nothing behind it. I feel less and less with each passing year, even after I quit drinking. Now, I cannot even begin to relate to most people. It's always a fake smile, or just an angry smile hiding knives. Worse, it becomes a laugh. I don't think I remember what it means to be truly happy any more. Not unless I have a clear objective, preferably one I can shoot.
As it is, I feel like threatening to kill anyone here who dares presume to question me. Not because I think I would win, no doubt there are veterans here who could out-shoot me, but just because I want to box them into failure. Not the best way to establish a friendship, I know, but I crave that kind of competition, just for the sake of it. I honestly think I might be something of a sociopath.
That said, I will never betray my oaths of service. It is utterly beyond me to do so. I may not know who I am, and I may have no feelings of import, but I remember who I am supposed to be. That alone is why I am here, seeking the counsel of other veterans. If all else fails, I know that you will hold me true to my word. Help me, brothers. I am lost without my unit.
