Relationship Could Fear Of Commitment Be Pulling Him Away?

[Mudrom]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and four months now, but he has been my best friend for a lot longer than that. I first experienced his PTSD four months into our relationship when he confronted me about his anger. He said he was getting angry with me quite often, but he did not know why. Our conversation lasted for about a week and he began listing so many aspects of our new relationship that he was unhappy with.

The thing is, he always seemed to enjoy the times when we were together (which is 5/7 days of the week most of the time). As a result he gave me a month to fix everything. I panicked thinking I was going to lose the love of my life... so i researched PTSD to learn more, and rented a fantastic book from the library to understand. It was very insightful and told me everything I was doing wrong; I was not accommodating to his PTSD, I was in fact reacting in away which made it worse...

Then we went for a period of 7 months without discussing problems in our relationship (I felt that our relationship was headed uphill, both of us were very happy and that the problems we were having before were fading away), but a couple days ago they resurfaced. He told me that things have been different since those few months we were arguing and have been getting worse and worse the past couple weeks. This may have been my fault since I've been putting myself down (and it in no way has to do with him), but in the few texts messages he's sent me the last couple days, I learned I was projecting my feelings onto him... and I did not mean to, and I have never done this before.

What my boyfriend does when he gets really upset about our relationship is just not respond to any messages or calls, and I end up driving over to his place and push for the conversation to happen (otherwise it never will). It seems as it both of us are unsure why he is upset, but he told me he is "done dealing it with." Of course this upsets me, but I am trying hard to not draw terrible conclusions. I am so in love with him and support him and I tell him that, and he loves cares for me back. But I cannot figure out what to do... can this be fixed? A lot of the things I have seen make me think he is scared of the commitment. He recently met almost my entire family, has bought me a beautiful heart necklace for my birthday, we've been seeing each other every day for the past month, he's given me a large amount of money to help repair my car without expecting a return, we have created a basic living structure together, and across the course of our friendship he as reminded of one of his biggest core beliefs; "Everybody always leaves." I have fought so hard to prove this wrong, could that scare him?

 

[nursenurse]

Gave you a month to fix things???? Oh my. I hope he is getting some counselling, and for your own sake, you need some as well. To give someone an ultimatum like that is just plain wrong, and it seems that you are jumping through the hoops for him..

Give him his space! Don't drive over, don't text, don't call. give him a chance to miss you, miss the relationship. Do things for yourself, get out with the girls, go away for a couple of days on your own, anything to build yourself up. He seems to be doing nice things for you, but do you want a relationship where he is telling you that you have to change? with a time limit??? The only person he can change is himself. If he is not receiving any help, if he is blaming you for all that is wrong in the relationship, and you are accepting of all the responsibility of causing them, then there is no fixing.

Just because he does nice things does not necessarily mean he is that into the relationship. I can't put my finger on it right now, but something just isn't right.

When someone says they are done dealing with things, sometimes we need to take that at face value. Just saying.

 

[Mudrom]

Thank you, I think giving him some space may be a great suggestion, it's just hard because I want to fix things. He is a really great guy and it's a great healthy relationship, it's just the moments like these that are upsetting to the both of us. I have no doubt he cares about me, I'm just lost for how we proceed and get to the bottom of what's wrong.
But also, he kept extending that time and eventually forgot about it. So we've been together a whole other year since then.

 

[nursenurse]

Then try some counselling, individual and couples. Honestly if he said he is done dealing with things, it could be that the problems are being swept under the rug and will surface later in a more virulent manner. Regardless, as someone with PTSD, if he has not sought out help, problems will only get worse. I honestly hope you guys can work everything out, but neither of you will be able to do it alone.

 

[Echo]

I'm no relationship expert but I wonder if some of the issues between you stem from co-dependency? It is so common. It does, for instance, mean that you might both be projecting onto the other, and that you are neither taking responsibility fully for your own feelings, and yet (in your case at least) are blaming yourself for what is his to sort out. There are lots of good books on the subject or you might consider counselling for yourself. You deserve better than this.

 

[marktben]

I'm going for counciling but I'm going to the doctors tomorrow and I'm not leaving till I start getting the right treatment. I don't know if the counselling I'm getting now is qualified to treat PTSD or not I'll find out tomorrow.

She's worked out already I've got social phobia but she's not scratched the surface yet because I hold back till I feel comfortable with someone. I've mentioned being burnt and I need to know what happened that day. I told her ther week before last but I've had a really bad time since I read a 7year old kid with burns from petrol over his whole body whilst serching for something about my self, it was horrible and he died a few days later. It was how hard I found that little boys pain to deal with, I still think of him every day, he is my reason why I now know whats wrong with me. If his story never upset me so much I would still be thinking I was going mad now, so am gona beat this for little Preston Flores for helping me discover myself and for my family.

Of course I must have driven my girlfriend mad for 7 years, I've not blamed my self all the time I've blamed her a lot too. we used to go out all the time very happy and then I just started distancing my self from her like most relationships in the past.

We were over I was moving out I could not do it anymore but turned out she had fallen pregnant with our daughter. I went out for help took a while to see somone but we have never got on better since. I would just rather not have this so bad waiting for our baby who we tried for for 6 years its a bit ironic. The stress we were under trying for a baby for so long has probably made me a lot worse but will get better because I now know whats going on with me and a have given her go out. We are over stuff in her face it used to drive me nuts not that I never trusted her because I did. It was my issue of thinking something bad is going to happen that a almost constant think with me so if she was not back at the time she said she was coming back I would start freaking and worrying something had happened to her I still worry everytime shes not with me