Cptsd And Mothering

[jladams]

Living with CPTSD caused by emotional/verbal abuse from my narcissistic (cluster b personality disorder) ex-spouse and father of my kids with whom I share 50/50 custody. The abuse is continuing and I'm struggling to navigate the issues this causes in my ability to mother well.

Because of our co-parenting situation, I am often subject to his abuse and my CPTSD is often triggered by these encounters. When he does what he does I find myself in a place of extreme sadness, feeling helpless and hopeless, feeling angry and disempowered... This often happens when the kids are with me, because those are the times he chooses to instigate emotional/verbal violence towards me, chooses to manipulate me, etc...

How are others coping with flashbacks or managing CPTSD when kids are around? I'm struggling to find a healthy way to deal with it. Obviously, when I'm in the middle of a flashback it's not as simple as just "snapping out of it". It's also difficult because my suffering is directly related to their FATHER's violence towards me. They know when something is wrong because they can see the mood I'm in, but I can't very well say that I'm so sad because their dad is an abuser?! They think I'm mad at them, or they think that I think they don't love me, or they think that I just can't stop fighting with their dad when the truth is that I'm just having a flashback, I'm sad about the way their dad manipulates them to keep them from me, or that their dad is continuously abusing me...but how am I supposed to say that?! I feel like I can't say that!

Looking for resources on talking to the kids about my CPTSD in a way that is healthy and helpful instead of burdensome and/or inappropriately in-depth...

 

[scout86]

Are you in therapy? Are your kids? I'll bet they'd find it helpful to have a neutral adult the could talk to about all the stuff that goes on.

I've had a couple family members who probably have/had NPD. (Mother dead, brother alive, but no longer in contact.) When my mother died, I hired a lawyer to handle my part of the estate so I didn't have to deal with my brother. When it comes right down to it, there IS no way to deal with a true narcissist. At one point, my brother called my lawyer and raged at him until S told him to shut up and let him talk or he was hanging up. :D Lawyer later contacted me and said he'd been wondering why I hired him....now he knew.

So, the best advice I can come up with is to establish a firewall. You may have to "co-parent" but that doesn't mean you have to talk to him. Figure out where the problems lie and then set up a procedure that will not allow them. For example, I had to pick up a few things at our mother's house. Brother wanted something signed. The deal was I got to pick up the stuff without seeing him, he got his paperwork. In your case? Tell him contact has to be in writing, not in person. If a phone call is needed for some reason, someone else calls and relays his message, you don't have to talk to him directly. You don't have to make excuses. "It's what you want" is enough of a reason, even if others don't like it.

That general idea anyway. He won't like it, of course. But that's just too bad. If he wanted you to be easy to deal with, he should have been nicer to begin with. :)

 

[jladams]

Are you in therapy? Are your kids? I'll bet they'd find it helpful to have a neutral adult the could ta...

I'm in therapy, one of my kids is, but my ex refuses to let the others go to therapy. He talks to them about it as if it is a punishment - "get your act together or I'm going to make you go to therapy". When I bring it up that it may be helpful for the other kids he simply refuses to consent, which is sufficient in our 50/50 legal custody arrangement to put a stop to it.... sigh...

 

[scout86]

Does your lawyer understand the situation? What do they have to say? I can't stress enough how much it helped to have an advocate. How are your kids doing in school? Sometimes you can get some support from there.

I think talking to your kids (how old are they?) honestly, without blaming, during good times might help. But I also think you're modeling boundaries and expectations, so you're right to think this is important. We have a number of members who used to be married to narcissists. I hope they will have more advice for you. I know they've had similar experiences.

 

[shimmerz]

50 50 parenting is impossible with a narcissist. If the narc is not interested in the children he will never be around but once he has an interest he.she believes they 'own' the children and you are nothing more than a slave in raising 'their' children.

I am not certain how 50 50 parenting works these days legally, but i would suggest not allowing him to 'talk' to you in front of the kids. It will only reinforce in the children's mind that you are subjugated in the relationship. I would look up narcissism on youtube (spartanlifecoach) and as well Parental Alienation Syndrome. It may be helpful for you to know what you are up against. Being blindsided with PTSD won't give you any advantages so the more informed you are the better.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I feel for you. Dealing with a narcissist is one of the most difficult of all mental health issues. They just don't see that they have an issue. They use control, manipulation, belittle, berate, and do whatever they can to make everyone else look bad, while they (THINK) that they are building themselves up. When in reality that have little or no self esteem.

There are many books out there that you would benefit from reading. All of this has NOTHING to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with him. I know it's hard to separate that when his behavior triggers you, but if you could try and keep in mind that they are HIS issues and not yours, it may help.

As far as your kids are concerned..... I think a trip back to court or your attorney should be done right away. I honestly don't think that he can keep your childeren out of therapy legally..... If you can get it mandated through the court then he doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell......

Always remember..... His issues are not yours. Don't react to anything he does or says. That's what he wants. He NEEDS to think that he is getting to you... Don't let him... Good luck.

 

[jladams]

Thanks for everyone's insight. It's amazing (and sad, I think) that your descriptions of life with a narcissist are just exactly spot on! I've been dealing him for 15 years, 6 post divorce, and it's exactly what you're describing. Long phone calls where he's the only one who talks, berating me for all my failures, telling me that it's my fault that he has to treat me this way, talking about "his" kids and "his" time and the fact that "his" kids do what HE wants on "his" time....

You know, the thing that just really makes me frustrated, ANGRY and sad is that if he was physically abusing me I would be able to keep him away from me and the kids, but because he's just abusing me with words there's nothing I can do to keep him away! There's no one out there saying that he can't talk to me that way, that he can't be around the kids because he talks to them that way - because he is constantly and subtly, insidiously, convincing them that he's the model parent and I'm a terrible mom.

Question - for anyone who's successfully gone through this with a narcissistic ex, HOW were you successful in getting the court system to provide a judgment that protects you and your kids? I've read a whole lot about good moms who lose custody when they take a narcissistic ex to court and those examples are making me feel pretty nervous...

 

[scout86]

I haven't been in that situation. I hope others will weigh in. The first thing you need is an excellent lawyer who understands what she or he is dealing with and is up for it.

The lawyer I hired is a friend of my T. He actually enjoys messing with people like my brother. (I'm glad someone does!)

As a strategy, remember that a narcissist doesn't believe the rules apply to them. Unless they have an in with the court, the court thinks the rules apply to everyone. In fact, with some judges, a narcissist's arrogance can work against them.

The YouTube videos people mentioned are excellent.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Personally, I think you need to start implementing boundaries with him. When he calls and starts berating you, just tell him (calmly) that you will no longer listen to his banter, and if he can not be polite and cordial, then you will hang up the phone. THEN Hang up,the phone, and do it EVERYTIME he starts.

EVERYTIME he starts with his crap, in whatever situation.... Do not tolerate it. If he comes to your home and starts, tell him to leave, if he does not, then pick up the phone and call 911. Boundaries are one of the ways to put an end to this for you. It will mean that he will up the anti, but you too can just put down stronger boundaries.

I have a friend that is married to one. I absolutely HATE this man to the point that I will not go to her home. But she threatens him with police action and HAS CALLED them. Her husband now avoids pushing her that far, because he knows that he can not argue his defense with the police, as they wont tolerate his crap....

Find a good attorney, and talk to him/her and see if you can do something to protect yourself and children.

Narcissism is noting but bullies on the lose looking for easy prey. They are cowards, that need to have power over someone else to make themselves bigger and better. So stand up and be bigger and better than he is. Do it politely and calmly and do not react to anything he says or does. Just protect yourself LEGALLY, with police and court system....

 

[shimmerz]

No, I was not successful and this has been going on for 30 years for me. It literally drives me crazy. There is talk about parental alienation syndrome and I would start there to see just 'how bad' the alienation is.

http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/types-alienators.html

Find a lawyer who knows about parental alienation and ask them what the laws are in your area.... if they even care about it.

Ask your lawyer if it would be worthwhile to have your children assessed (this is a risk because it could backfire).

Dr. Childress is a man who has focused his attention on PAS. He has great youtube videos. This page as well speaks about taking 'the high road' (which for me backfired big time). I expect he will say that as well. I haven't read it though.

Arm yourself well my friend. Welcome to the world of warriors. Whether you win or lose, in the end you knew you fought tooth and nail for your children. That will matter.