Crossing The Line: S/i To Real Plans, When To Tell

[Naoru]

I feel alone in this.

@joeylittle I will consider handing my method(s) over to my therapist next week or at least to my friend, but you're right - I take comfort in knowing the things are there. I suppose it is not a good thing that I am more secure in handing it over knowing my backup cannot be taken away, so to speak. Pretty tired of living like this.

There isn't anything I can do to remove what triggered everything, as it's guaranteed to happen again. We'll see what happens, I guess. Two steps forward, one giant step back ...

I did disclose most of everything above to my therapist today ... not my exact plan, but that there is one. You guys were right; she offered alternative perspectives, she 'argued' with me, wouldn't let me minimize, she pulled the reigns on our other work, and she had me contract for safety until next week. She wants to discuss what happened then, if I'm able. Long story short, she was supportive and validating without really saying much at all.

As much as it pains me to say it, thank you all for pushing me to do the right thing today. ;)

 

[Suzetig]

I'm glad you were able to talk to her and that she responded in a way that was helpful. I'm not sure we always know what's the right thing to do - our circumstances are all so different - but I know my T would want to know something like that so I figured yours might too.

And I know you feel alone, but you're not.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

You are cheating your self by not having an open trusting relationship as best you can, sometimes you have to go with blind trust, so you can build trust,

the point is you should tell your therapist even when you have just ideation, the moment you develop plans is when you need to call your therapist, and then go to the ER.

 

[Naoru]

@recoveringfromptsd I don't think it's necessary to jump straight to the ER when plans are developed. Just speaking for myself here, but I prefer to choose alternative methods of keeping myself safe. However, I realize this may not be wise for other people or in all situations, including those for myself. IDK maybe I still have some issues to work through on how serious I'm [not] taking what happened.

I do trust my t with most things, sometimes blindly, but she has her reporting requirements so I am careful to choose when and what I share with her in this area. Otherwise, I tend to share most of everything else.

I say all of this as I simultaneously write a "confession" of sorts to give her next week. LOL :rolleyes:

 

[Cannottakethis]

@Naoru
I agree that it does not always need to be a trip to the ER and I've been committed for mentioning that I felt suicidal a week prior to a new (New to me) therapist who was overzealous in her reporting duties.
I do have an agreement with my husband that if I have an action plan I will tell him first and we will decide what to do together, whether it's calling my therapist, psychiatrist or admitting myself. I get very anxious when providers ask about suicidal thoughts and never tell them that they are active, which is generally true. I've been hospitalized 12 times, primarily for SI. I will not let my self sit with those feelings for long because I don't trust myself, especially with my bipolar brain, to not do something regrettable.

Just knowing I have the safety net is comforting.

 

[The Albatross]

"I have some pretty precise suicide plans if I got to this point again. Anyway, I do not see a need to inform my therapist as I figured out what triggered it all and successfully kept myself safe so therefore, it really wasn't a big deal."

Getting through the episode this time isn't really the issue is it?

 

[Naoru]

@The Albatross Good point. I know there will be a next time and part of the plan is not to tell a soul or leave a hint. Surprise, surprise.

@Shells My therapist doesn't jump to reporting and allows me to speak in hypotheticals with many different situations so this makes opening up to her a little easier. I was hospitalized once, but it was right after my last major trauma - the final straw ... and I'd prefer never to relive the experience.

I have a safety net in place as well and utilize parts or all of it when the SI tide rolls in ... But no, I do not always tell her. It feels silly at times and I already know how she will respond. IDK, most of the time it's really not a big deal, but the day I posted about above was different and I feel I did everything I was "supposed to do." I trust myself to make the right call, either way.

 

[The Albatross]

Since that's the case, you're therapist needs to know about this Naoru. Every time you repeat the SI you are reinforcing the behavior and yeah, he/she needs to know about it.

 

[Naoru]

@The Albatross Deleted my response. I realize I'm taking out my frustration from today on here and I am being stubborn ... and that is completely unfair. I'm sorry. I do have questions, but I am incapable of narrowing it down right now to what I am really thinking. I appreciate your response and will try to really soak in all that has been said.

 

[The Albatross]

It is an unreasonable expectation to expect anybody, therapist or no to "read between the lines". People are not mind readers and risk is increased when in lieu of communication this excuse is employed. Yeah, be honest with your shrink every time - if you feel that you can't why not?

Why do you feel that candid communication with your therapist "it's not going to change reality"?

Maybe I'd take a harder look at my therapeutic goals and whether or not I could get there with my own best thinking because lets face if, if I was able to I wouldn't have been in therapy to begin with.

Bring it back to what you shared in post #4: "I have definitely crossed the line into here's exactly what I want to do and some alternate plans, but knowing I made it through might make it easier when the time comes again. IDK I don't see it as that serious, but I was told my gauge is severely off.
...She is normally very supportive ... but it hasn't reached this level with her before. ...We have also brushed over what safety plans I have in place. We joke quite a bit so I cannot say we have actually discussed this in a serious manner before... so I'm not exactly sure what to expect. Why does she need to know I have an easily actionable plan if I'm triggered again? It's not like she could stop me?"

With that I withdraw, others have said similar about honest communication in therapy but you seem resistant to that. If you have an actionable plan you need to discuss it seriously in session. You are blocking your own therapeutic process because of the manner with which you brush off the topic with your shrink.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm a big girl and can take it... sorry you deleted that response. Please try to bring it back around to the reason you posted. Minimizing, not communicating candidly in therapy about it, having an actionable plan and knowing you will repeat are really serious. No shrink can do an accurate risk assessment about suicide if you aren't willing to be open about it. Don't want to further upset, so I'm off the thread, but I hope the best for you and that you will seriously reconsider your stance on this.

 

[Naoru]

You're absolutely right. I'm not trying to be resistant to communicating in therapy or on this thread; I don't think I'm able to pinpoint what exactly I'm having trouble with here or the question I need to ask. You're not upsetting me at all @The Albatross

I have, since my original post, had a serious discussion with her about SI and my plans. You guys gave me a fair reading of the seriousness of my situation and I did not take that lightly; I trust your judgements and discussed it with her the following session. I should not expect her to read between the lines and it has been unfair that I've relied on her to do this at all - she has just been incredibly successful at it thus far with a wide variety of things.

My situation is delicate where I am, no more so than anyone else's I assume, but because of that sometimes I do have to keep a few things to myself. I do not think running to T or the ER is necessary every single time I have SI, but that's also why I came here and asked when even I could see a shade of seriousness in how I was thinking/feeling.

The whole changing reality thing - I was just referring to how no matter what thinking pattern she tries to get me on or whatever hold they would put me on at the hospital, I would still leave and go back to the same situation ... one I have very little control over.

I think I'm having a hard time, at the moment, understanding exactly what it is she could do when I tell her again that I have actionable plans and know at some point I will likely get into another headspace or position to utilize this plan. At this point, she knows, we talked about it, I couldn't discuss with her what triggered the episode because of reporting requirements, we backed off of our other work for a bit, and that was that. I mean, is she dropping the ball here by trusting my judgement? She's the one who told me my gauge was off?