Cyclical

[Overcoming]

It's been nine years since the sexual abuse. There was a lot that went into it. Psychological, Stockholm Syndrome junk, and lasting physical effects. (At this point, I'm beginning EMDR in therapy.) For years I thought I'd dealt with what happened, but in reality, I held a lot of self blame and shame. The prison release is a month and a half away. That is part of why my fear/anxiety skyrocketed in the last year or so. Because I wasn't always processing through the events and dealing directly with the emotions, rather than numbing them, my spouse was unable to see the depth of ruin. Now that I'm seeking help and actively dealing with the emotions and memories, he is bothered that after 5 years I have become "broken down," and he is concerned. I'm posting here, but I'm also communicating with him about this. My problem is, the more that my "issues," seem to negatively impact him/our relationship, the less I feel safe/comfortable to express my honest feelings and inner thoughts. I'm so afraid to drive him away that I wish I could simply will myself to be whole again for his sake. Whenever I consider the strain that I've caused in the relationship, by choosing to deal with the PTSD, or he brings up that I'm "broken," I want to hurt myself for being this way.

... And I also begin to withdraw and not want to be open about what is going on.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Withdrawing is part of this; and man in your life - this recovery is for you and he will benefit from it - or he will shut down. You must keep going for you, and only for you. JJ

Would you mind to let me know how emdr goes for you? JJ

 

[Abigail7]

I just want to hug you because you're not broken! I feel that someone using the word "broken" to describe you is a bit harsh and a bit cruel. Your trauma didn't break you. Yes, you are struggling but we all go through this healing process in our own way. We can't control how trauma affects us, but we can do everything in our power to heal. You are a very strong person who happens to be struggling right now and deserves support as opposed to being put down and being told you are broken. You can heal but it will take time. Lots of hugs for you!

 

[Twilight]

I lost my marriage bc my husband got tired of me "never finished healing". Not all husbands are like this, but I believe my ex has undiagnosed ptsd (he was raised in a very dysfunctional home) and MY recovery kept triggering him and he could not handle it. He TOLD me he would rather stay in denial about his past, so he just could not deal with me talking about my issues and my recovery. I just say this bc maybe things would have gone differently for me if i would have realised that i should NEVER have shared my recovery issues with him, and tried to keep that out of our relationship. This is hindsight, and it probably would have been impossible to do ANYWAY, but I am just sharing my story.