Dating After 4 Years

[Lea]

I was sexually abused by a mentor figure for about a year and was diagnosed with PTSD when I finally came forward. I have had nightmares, panic attacks, increased startle, emotional numbness alternating with crying fits, and intense fear of anyone who resembled my abuser-- although these symptoms have decreased considerably over the past several years (it has been close to 5 years since the abuse started), I still feel like a completely different person than I was before the abuse.

I completely avoided dating for years. A month ago, however, I began going out with an acquaintance who has apparently had a crush on me for a long time (I had no idea). He is kind, gentle, caring, and has told me he thinks he is falling in love with me. He's a great guy, but I don't feel as strongly for him as he does for me. I think this may be because I still have all sorts of self-protective walls in place. I do like him a lot, but I am afraid that one or both of us will be hurt.

Should I tell him about my PTSD and past abuse? I don't want to scare him, but I think he can tell that something is not quite "normal" with me. Although I have hinted that I've had some negative experiences in the past, I don't think he has any idea of the severity of these issues. I worry that I will never be able to have a relationship unaffacted by my past experiences. When is the right time to reveal something like this? And how do I tell him? Or do I just decide that, since I am so worried about this, I am still not ready for a relationship?

 

[cragger65]

I think you have to decide how much you can trust someone with what information, and how much there is to gain by it. If it's merely to ease his mind by telling him the why's of it, it's probably not enough of a reason. If there's something that you could gain from telling him, if it's worth it to you to move forward with the relationship, then still, do it in your own time.

The last bit isn't meant to sound selfish, just careful. How do you think he would react to this news?

 

[fin]

We can only really be completely responsible for our own actions as we begin to move through life again after trauma. Getting to know someone is learning in some ways how to trust ourselves and them also in our lives.

We can I believe ask and hope that the information we give of ourselves is accepted by others. The response we get may not always be how we would like it to be, and this we have to live with in and for ourselves. Can you imagine him in your life perhaps?

When I first became attracted to someone again after I had been a very long time alone also, they triggered me some. I think this was because I had deeper feelings for them than I was ready or prepared to admit at the time, and the thought of giving into my feelings and trusting them was painful and a difficult thing to do. I have found that with time and patience now I am able to see them better and maybe they are also able to see me now too

For me the idea of being alone forever is a bleak one, and so I have decided now to try to be less afraid, less fearful, and less scared. For me there is no choice in some respects because I have already made some decisions. Stepping forward and making changes in how we respond is a part of growing into how we are ourselves becoming.

We may still be scared even after telling someone how we feel, again we can have no control over others, but for me to trust the person I believe the guy I love is, was a choice I had to make because I do not wish to be apart from him. Again though only we ourselves can determine what we have to gain from anything as Dave has said here. And it is for me I believe the value we place on our hopes that can help us find the courage we sometimes need to help us through.

There is an inevitability to change, and nothing try as we might sometimes wish, will stop somethings from happening. We can maybe only hope we know someone and hope that we can face changes together perhaps.

I believe that in learning how to trust someone can we maybe ever think we might know how they may respond to us.

I believe the decision has to be yours at the end of the day, or at any point during it as well lea. Because how you choose and procede will determine how you move forward or not.

I would like to say though please Be encouraged and hopefull in everything you do, and try always to remain true to who you are, again though please understand you will change also