Day 2

[Wolvescry]

Its the second day being completely alone. I pick up my bf in the morning and cannot wait. Today I spent hours hiking with an old friend which was fun. I could put everything behind for a bit and just put a mask on. Its hard because I cannot explain things to people like I want to so I am forced to make up small lies to cover up private matters.

Today my friend asked questions like "Why do you change your number a lot?" I have so many triggers I face in the world and it seems easier to hide. My dogs had a great time today, and I am happy to keep enough strength to take good care of them.

I still cant help but fight the helpless fearful feelings I have. Its hard to put a mask on for so long.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I see you posted this yesterday. How are you feeling now?

I can very much relate to the questions and wearing a "mask" all the time. In fact, I'd gotten so used to the mask that I honestly didn't know the real me anymore.

Do you trust your old friend? And/or some other good friends? Perhaps you can try writing them a letter, in which you explain that some very bad things happened to you in the past that are still really bothering you. You wouldn't have to explain the details, but it could help them understand.

 

[Wolvescry]

To be honest, I just want to put things behind me for now, but I have been dealing with so much latley, my coach is no longer coaching my class and I had just gained so much trust towards him, my mother keeps sending mean text about the trauma, my bf came back from his trip, but the next day we got into a huge fight and he accidentally triggered me badly and now he feels horrible, and my brain is using it to confirm that I cause people to hurt me.

I am working on reminding myself that a lot of this just symptoms. On a good note, when I naturally reacted as if my bf was going to hit me, I naturally used a blocking technique that I learned in class, but it made my bf feel bad that his anger caused me to fear him.

The one things I feel like I need is to take time to recover. When ever I get triggered this badly it takes a while to recover.