Defining triggers

[jc3]

One thing I have learned is that (given my upbringing and the trauma that ensued) there are quite a few triggers I encounter on a day to day basis. But, aside from critic initiated flashbacks, the most excruciating trigger I experience is as soon as the sun sets. The physical symptoms I endure, and have for many years while living alone, are of profound severity. To feel completely isolated and abandoned really gives me definitive sensations in my chest and is equivalent to ongoing anxiety. I yearn for a connection as if I'm on a deserted island with no hope of being rescued. Granted, I have good people in my life who have reparented me, along with skills I apply during these times like reparenting the inner child and grieving. But, my brain and body immediately go back to the original trauma of excruciating abandonment and isolation as a kid that went on for many years. It is during these times that I obsess about food the most, among other things as means of an escape. Does anyone else have very strong abandonment depression at night? Whenever a friend signifies that he is stopping over to visit I eagerly wait at my front door overlooking the road for his car to approach, just like I did while waiting for my mother to pick me up at my grandparents. Once a friend confirms an interest in my time it's as if I contacted the dope dealer years back in active addiction. The pain is that deep.

 

[aut555]

That is very interesting. That it is tied into a night situation. Have you talked to a therapist about this? Can you do something enjoyable at night to slowly change this thought pattern? It would be in the form of a class, a soothing ritual, a sensory distraction or all of the above. A class either mentally or physically stimulating or both, a ritual of a professional masseuse scheduled at that time , or finally, listening to a beautiful mp3 or cd, lighting a candle, taking a warm bath. You have to retrain your brain that heads back to the same racetrack every night. A psychiatrist told me that we ride our mules, we get on and ride the same track, you have to break free from that, which requires some actual effort. You need to fill that dark space up in your brain with new wiring, new thought process, new wiring stimulus. Sending compassion, just try one little thing for twenty minutes every night.

 

[jc3]

I have been applying much of what you suggested. When the feelings in my body begin to change then I practice what I've learned from "Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving" which is 1. Acknowledgment of the flashback and assurance that I'm not in the danger of the past. 2. Grieving a life of excruciating pain and over a decades worth of self sabotage. 3. Reparenting the child within that needs to be loved in a way that he lacked from parental figures. And 4. Internal critic shrinking-which means that for every negative thought I replace it with a positive affirmation. I've found that getting vulgar with the critic usually works best. Thank you for your suggestions. I hope you are well and at peace this afternoon.

 

[jc3]

I have been applying much of what you suggested. When the feelings in my body begin to change then I practi...

That is very interesting. That it is tied into a night situation. Have you talked to a therapist about t...

As a result of applying these steps I have been able to feel very strong physical changes for the better. It's like I go from feeling intense fear and panic to euphoria and gratitude in a matter of 30 minutes or less.

 

[aut555]

Great, change can come , but it is important to stay on your new track until it becomes your new normal. Had to do this with a complete mindset of horrible, horrible thoughts. Took about two years to get off my mule.

 

[jc3]

Great, change can come , but it is important to stay on your new track until it becomes your new normal....

I'm glad you have found more peace. May I ask what was the source of your horrible thoughts, or what they entailed? I understand that may be too personal to share here, so I hope you have support in your private life that you can unload these burdens to.

 

[aut555]

Thanks for asking. Anger at being gaslighted, anger towards spouse, anger because l felt duped. Then l finally decided, screw these feelings, l have wallowed long enough and l only empower the abuser by not moving forward. That is the very last thing l wish to do.

 

[jc3]

I'm glad that you have begun to change things for the better within your mind. What may I ask is gaslighting?

 

[Nessa7]

Gaslighting is a form of abuse in which the abuser manipulates someone into questioning their sanity, memories, or perceptions.