Definition Of Strength Needed - Possible Triggers

[safenow]

I know this is going to seem like a stupid question, but I really need to know the answer. I believe my definition is different than others. Also some things here might trigger.

When some people read my history, even a small portion of it, they say stuff like "You are so strong."

I don't understand why people keep saying that stuff about me and strength. Is it just because I survived? I didn't survive because of anything I did. If people knew how many times I've tried to end my life because of all the crap I went through, they wouldn't call me strong. They would know just what a wimp I really am.

As a small child, I never disobeyed like a normal child does. I was too afraid. As a pre-teen, rather than be sexually kinky, and continue to be sold, I tried to die. As a young woman, rather than be without my children, I tried to die. As a woman, rather than be tortured again, I tried to die. As a full grown adult, rather than die, I kept running away and hiding. When I had a chance to kill a pedophile and murderer, I chose to not pull the trigger. Just this year (and it is only March now) I turned into a quivering, paranoid mass of jello because of some stupid breather on the telephone. Now, does that sound strong? I think not.

So you can please explain to me and help me understand what it is that you consider strength? I looked it up in the dictionary, and it says to be strong in body or mind. I am neither.

You are probably thinking I should ask my therapist about this rather than bother you, but I trust your logic. My new therapist is not the kind of person I can ask things such as this.

To me, I am a coward. I always have been. The first time I opened my mouth when I knew I shouldn't was when my sister was murdered. I screamed. Not exactly an act of heroism. The only time I feel I was strong was when I stood up to a gunman who had kidnapped another woman's baby. But, I did pee on myself when he put the gun in my face. I guess I have been brave a few times in my life, but compared to the number of times I was a coward, there is no strength that I can see.

I suffer from PTSD from multiple traumas as well as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) which is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I have to use the dictionary a lot, because the definitions I use are sometimes different than that which is correct. But even my dictionary doesn't help me to answer this question. Only you all can.

Thank you for caring enough to give your answers.

Safenow

 

[Philippa]

I've often had trouble discerning the meaning behind what people say in terms of the word strength as well safenow. After I'd been sexually assaulted, my brother told me to "be strong", but I didn't know what his version of being strong was, and I had no idea how to be strong when all I felt like doing was collapsing in a mess of tears everywhere I went.

The only thing I felt instinctively, as a woman, is that being gentle and soft is strength and true power.

There were instances in my life where I know I was brave, and I can give myself credit for that. I stared down a man hiding behind a bush, who eventually came out and had a stand off with me when he knew I saw him. He eventually ran off and got in his car and drove away when he realized I was not flinching or showing him the fear he wanted to see. I knew how to psychologically defeat him, but I never knew how to be strong, or how other people perceive that to be? I still don't really.

Is it keeping a pasted smile on your face whilst you are in hell, so no one will guess? That seems to be what many people think 'winning' is all about in life, but I could never muster a smile when I was clinically depressed, despite knowing how lucky I was, and it always felt unnatural to try to. It just never came naturally for me. I was always a little pensive. A little gloomy. A little melancholy.

I'd be interested to hear what others have to say about this, and thankyou for bringing it up. I never thought to here.

 

[safenow]

Thank you so much for your reply, Philippa. I"m sorry you know what and why I'm asking, but it is sure good to know I'm not the only one who does not understand.

 

[Valentino]

This sounds like a simple question on the surface but there can be a lot of complex and subtle stuff going on....

When people talk about 'strength' in relation to hearing a hard to imagine trauma story, it's probably partially a euphemism, their feeble attempt at trying to say something positive and try to help you feel better.

What might be more accurate, is that they are impressed that you are a 'survivor'. They are shocked and amazed that you have endured so much tragedy, suffering, and pain, yet on the surface you still seem physically and mentally stable.

You are strong is often giving improper credit to the wrong thing... often times it's not the mind or physical body that is strong, it's the human nervous system that is amazingly resilient and capable of enduring immense amounts of pain... pain that is totally intolerable and unimaginable to the mind or body.. Many of the issues and symptoms of PTSD is from the mind and body unable to cope, process, and make sense of what the nervous system was able to endure....

ie. when guys talk about how strong women are to be able to endure pregnancy and give birth.

But..... in some ways... trauma and abuse survivors are strong and resilient... by definition by our histories, we are still breathing and standing... granted maybe very wounded and shattered inside... but we have survived so much more than the average person. In that sense, we should give ourselves credit for being a survivor... it can be like a badge of honor, unfortunately society doesn't honor or respect trauma survivors.. more so they pity and fear survivors, very similar to how they view trauma or even basic life struggles...

But... not to spin it too positively.... it can be also quite negative to be a survivor... Why me? what's the purpose? how can I find meaning? sometimes it feels like a life curse.. How come others get to carry such a lighter load, and get so much attention and sympathy for such trivial suffering?

...... society tends to try to promote an image of strength that is based on focusing on your will power and ignoring your weaknesses..... since my will power has failed or is weakened.... I have now focused on owning, recognizing, and acknowledging all my limitations, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities.... and have found strength in being vulnerable... It is a scary place to try to stay, but my nervous system and spirit can handle a lot more than my mind, will, or physical body can.

thanks for bringing up an important topic.... i'm still trying to understand and make sense of it myself.. hope I didn't confuse or go on too many tangents.

 

[KatB]

I have the same issue. I can totally relate to you.

I really like what Valentino said about pitying the survivor instead of honoring them for going through such hell. I have a similar situation where I went to the ER and the doctor who checked me said" oh poor thing... you look so healthy"... I wanted to punch his face.

I don't have proper definition for what strength or being strong is. I do know that I survived hell, made decisions that I never thought of before, and now I'm facing the valley of suffering due to inquires

 

[KatB]

* injuries sustained by my abuser.

 

[goingonhope]

Hi safenow, I used a thesaurus in response to the word strength and strong, and words like ...keen, fervent, intensity, and even highly flavored come up as meanings for strong and strength as well.

Just this week my psychiatrist told me that I seemed pretty durable to him. That was an interesting comment. Perhaps, you likely are too. The part of the definition of durability which states, ..."especially without sustaining wear or tear," ..well none of us escapes this. The part about lasting for a long time, well ya sure, and especially while having coming through intensity in tons.

Take care safenow.

 

[safenow]

The part about lasting for a long time, well ya sure, and especially while having coming through intensity in tons.

Thank you, goingonhope. That is a definition I can live with. It makes perfect sense to me. That word "durable" makes sense as well.

I hope you have a good night.

 

[Changing4Best]

To me, strength comes from within. It is a mindset, yes, but it also is the power the body unconciously pulls out of itself when in grave danger. When you screamed, you probably didn't THINK to scream first, it was an automatic reaction, one that was naturally called for in that situation. You called upon the power it took from within to emit a loud sound. You did not stop yourself from screaming. THAT would have been fear or weakness.

Another definition I have is to persevere in the face of grave danger. That you have done. This is more than just mere survival. You are safe now. YOU had to have done SOMETHING to have gotten yourself to that place. It didn't just happen on its own, I presume?

When I think of my own strengths, one of the greatest ones I finally had to pull up out of myself was to overcome my pride and be willing to ASK FOR HELP. Had I not done that, I would still be within the clutches of an abusive boyfriend. I would still own a motel that had been taken over by THUGS where my life was threatened daily. I would have been burdened with an abusive husband, until the day he died, who suffered from dementia and didn't understand that I, his primary care-giver, was trying to help him, not harm him. I would still be expecting and begging my neglectuful family to come visit, help me and love me.

I'm not doing any of these things any longer. I have finally had the strength to stand up for myself and not put up with it any longer! I finally have the strength to say, NO!!! I never did before. I always just bowed my head and meekly accepted whatever came my way. That is until the day I met Jesus and accepted HIM as my personal Savior. I asked HIM for help with all these things and in every one of these circumstances, HE pulled me free. My strength is HIS STRENGTH and without it in my heart, I was and would be still weak.

I hope this helps.

 

[safenow]

HI Sheila,

Thank you for your words. I hear what you say about the Lord helping you. I too have to turn to Him daily for any type of courage and strength. He is the only reason I am still alive. In fact, He is the only reason I was even born, and am still here on this planet.

Because of all I have gone through, many times I wanted to die and just go back to Him. One time, I had refused to do something and they were going to sell me again. I went to that overpass, and just as I jumped I said, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray. . . " The next thing I knew I was in the hospital. At the time I was very angry I was alive. I couldn't even hang myself right. The rope broke. The reality was, it was just not my time yet. I needed to learn what "real love" was. I needed to learn what "real peace" was. I needed to learn that Miss Ingram was not the only kind person (human) on this planet. And I needed to be alive in order to give birth to three children, who wouldn't have been born if I had succeeded that day.

Anyway, thank you one and all for sharing your thoughts with me. They have been most helpful.

Sheila, I am so glad you got away and took care of yourself. As for that scream, I had been taught the hard way to never make a sound. But when I saw what happened to her, I had to do something. No matter what the danger. But anyway, you know.

 

[Changing4Best]

I tried to kill myself once too, taking 4 months of my meds in one minute. I woke up in a hospital bed too, of course, angry as well! LOL... I never tried it again, because waking up to everyone being mad at me for trying it, PLUS ALL THE PROBLEMS I STARTED WITH was too much for me, not to mention being locked up in a mental ward for a long time afterward. I figured if what I did didn't work, nothing else would either. Soon after that I met Jesus and learned that God decides when we die, not us. That also clinched it for me not to try again! Somehow I just knew there was no argueing with Him. I was going to be here on this sorry excuse for a planet until He decided otherwise. So, I'm trying to make the best of it, and being here on these Forums is a huge part of that.

 

[KatB]

I agree with Sheila 100%. Every morning I pray for his grace, strength, and help to make it through each day. Along the day, I just keep hanging on to his Word.

Some people have no idea what it is we have lived through or faced. We know how bad things can get and we know how frail our conditions can get also. Guilt is real, but so is our strength on depending on a God who knows us.