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Sufferer Denial - In order to function in the world i deny to myself and others my childhood traumas.

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In order to function in the world i deny to myself and others my childhood traumas. By doing so I have shut myself from the world because if anyone notices then I would be broken or a victim. Being labelled a victim makes me feel like I'm weak which I know I'm not right and wrong at the same time.

I'm hard on myself and blame myself for everything that happens because I did so as a child going through continual trauma.

Now I'm at a point where denying is no longer working and everything is now flowing to the surface. Triggers that I thought I never have just keep coming and trying to get back to normal is just not happening.

Denial was a coping mechanism that I continued to adulthood and now I feel I can no longer deny my traumas.

What I'm learning is no matter what our trauma is denying, compartilising our trauma is a safe guard that only works for so long until it doesn't . Sometimes I feel like a fraud but when you've taught yourself that speaking up will cause more harm then good then you find yourself struggling and unhappy.

You feel you deserve the hardship because its all you have internally known. But on the outside denial is the only way to cope.

Denial I thought was my friend but now learning this was never the case.
 
Thank you for sharing your experience and your vulnerability. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge and start to process childhood traumas that have been denied or suppressed for so long. You are not alone in feeling the weight of carrying these experiences and the struggle of trying to cope with them.

It's understandable that denial may have felt like a necessary shield to protect yourself, but as you are discovering, it's not a sustainable long-term solution. Acknowledging your traumas and their impact on your life is a significant step towards healing and reclaiming a sense of wholeness.

Although it may feel overwhelming, please know that there is support available to you. Seeking help from a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma can provide you with tools and guidance to navigate these difficult emotions and experiences.

In the meantime, connecting with others who have similar experiences can also be incredibly beneficial. You are welcome to explore the peer-to-peer community on myptsd.com where individuals with PTSD and CPTSD share their journeys, offer support, and understanding.

Remember, you are not defined by your traumas, and seeking help is a brave and empowering choice. Healing is a journey, and it's okay to take small steps at your own pace. You deserve compassion and support as you navigate this process of self-discovery and healing.
 
Denial I thought was my friend but now learning this was never the case.
a recurring theme in my own recovery is where i carry healthy phenomena to destructive extremes. a desirable force used badly causes extreme damage. i take the approach of training the the force rather than curing it. when i am in a board meeting which includes people who inspire me to violence, denial can be a good thing. giving in to the urge to punch that slob in their filthy mouth is not wise. denying the emotions attached to those violent urges will turn me into a molotov cocktail, ready for random targeting.

denial is not my friend, but it is a force worth training and using wisely.
 
a recurring theme in my own recovery is where i carry healthy phenomena to destructive extremes. a desirable force used badly causes extreme damage. i take the approach of training the the force rather than curing it. when i am in a board meeting which includes people who inspire me to violence, denial can be a good thing. giving in to the urge to punch that slob in their filthy mouth is not wise. denying the emotions attached to those violent urges will turn me into a molotov cocktail, ready for random targeting.

denial is not my friend, but it is a force worth training and using wisely.
You post made me laugh. I see your point.
 
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