Relationship Deployment And Ptsd,i Am Ready To Move On When He Came Back

[christy_than]

I will try to make it short and clear,and sorry for my bad english.

I've been together with my bf for 2years. He is in british army(36yo) in germany and I am 27yo student in germany.

we are in long distance relationship(we live 700kms apart ) but we managed to see each other at least twice a month and talk/text like 24/7. We were happy. Everything was perfect.

23march he came back from his 1st 6months afghan trip. We had a very good communication during his trip. Our relationship was good,no problem.

We met the next day he came back from afghan,everything was okay.The next weekend we met again. But then I realised he is different(now I figured he showed some PTSD signs,emotional,short temper,smoke loads,cant sleep etc etc)

9april he went back to UK for easter, and he shut out, he didnt want to reply my messages, he used to text me good morning,he used to tell me what he is going to do etc..but then it was like only one click that everything changed. he pushed me away..He doesnt want to keep intouch with me. It was happening for 1 month. I messaged him like once in 3-4days to ask only how are you,but no answer It was a painfull moment of my relationship with him ever,I was spending my nights cry,I couldnt sleep without pills,I barely force my self to eat without throw up.. I lost 5kilos in a month. I was insecured,I was asking myself why? Whats wrong? If he has other women or what?But he didnt want to answer me, and I lost my hope that I would have him back.

Until one day he answered my phone and told me he's been hving health issues and he has no other woman.

10 May
I decided to see him without tell him that I come,my plan to give him the choice to see me if he didnt want then its a clear answer for me to move on. We met, he told me that he needs time to sort himself. He told me to look other men,he wanted me to move on. I couldnt believe my ears...I asked him if that is what he wants? He didnt answer me,I asked him again but no answer...I told him that I love him..then he told me that he doesnt know what he feels anymore
It was hurt to hear that...

I was hurt... but why he still have sex with me? Is he using me?

11 May,I went home heart broken, hopeless.

But still I messaged him like everyday..only to say have a nice day or tell him my day. He never replied my sms. I heard nothing bout him until yesterday(18may) he messaged me like nothing happened. Started being naughty, and it bothers me a lot.

Does he use me ?

I dont know what shall I do, I love him, but at some point I am too tired to fight for him..is it fair to stop fighting?

I also want to see at least his effort...

If he would a little bit show me that he needs me, I might keep fighting...

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi @christy_than , I'm very sorry you're struggling with this.

Your boyfriend's behaviour does seem to point towards PTSD - the way he's pushing you away, and the signs you've already spotted. It sounds to me like he does care about you. If his intentions were to use you, he wouldn't tell you to look for other men; he would give you just enough positive attention for you to hold on to him and ignore you the rest of the time. To me it seems like he is in a lot of pain and that he doesn't want you to be involved in that. As someone who has PTSD I can tell you that close relationships with other people are really, really hard. It feels like the pain is too much to handle on your own, so you repress it. And anyone trying to get close to you will see your pain, confront you and try to help you, which stands in your way of pretending you're okay.

However, this doesn't mean you should put up with this. A long-distance relationship is hard enough as it is, especially when your partner has PTSD, won't talk about it and is pushing you away so hard. I guess all you can do right now is take care of yourself, surround yourself with friends and seek pleasant distractions. Right now he is coping by shutting himself off from the people he loves. You can tell him that you love him and that you're here for him, but it will have to be his decision to come back and fix this.

I really hope you and he will get through this.

P.S. I speak some German, so if you'd like to talk some more, feel free to send me a message in English or your own language.