Depression stage

[BlueWeepingRose]

I've been feeling numb lately and now all I do is cry. I've been avoiding Facebook a lot more cause a lot of people I thought were my friend, are not. I'm finding out who my true friend is and who's not. Not to long ago I cried really hard. Not cause one of my friends who I realized was my true friend, but cause of the pain I feel. The feel I feel from being sexually assaulted when I thought I could trust my boyfriend. Than I remind myself this boyfriend who claimed to have loved me abused me too where I was stuck in a relationship with him for years and I so desperately wanted to get out, but I felt like I couldn't cause I was deathly afraid of him because he had guns and made threats.

Not many people truly understand the pain I feel and I don't expect them too if they haven't been through it. I can't make threads until my mind is fully clear cause anytime I'm crying it comes out wrong or I seem to come across as aggressive and angry. Deep down I feel angry, yet I know this anger is coming from what I went through. I'm learning a lot about PTSD from reading about it, reading people's threads and just listening. I'm so quiet that I listen to people and listen to their words carefully because I want to be understanding. There's so many people out there who's been through something similar or even worse where I try not to think about it because it just makes my depression worse. I avoid the news because of how depressed I am. The news is something I must avoid.

Believe avoiding Facebook and not going on so much will be a good idea for me right now. Not to avoid anyone, I just need to do something for myself. My eyes are in pain from hurting, yet I'm glad I can cry cause I felt pain for so long. The numbing stage was horrible and I thought I could feel nothing. I'm glad I cried, yet the pain is horrible.... so the more I think about it. What is worse crying or numbing? I'd have to say numbing cause when I felt numb, I was unable to feel anything at all. At least now I know I'm still human and that I can cry. I hope someone can somewhat understand what I'm talking about. I just needed to get this out cause so much has been on my mind lately. Need some hugs today. I'm having one of those days. :( I hope someone out there can understand cause it's hard to find people who do.

 

[Still Standing]

You bet we understand how you are feeling. Many of us relate well. I am sorry you are hurting right now. Depression is the rotten apple in life. There is nothing that is redeeming about it. But, as you have discovered it is important to separate yourself from those things that trigger you and if Facebook is one of those things, do stay off it. You have joined here and have posted some and have read other's posts. There is understanding here and encouragement, too. I have a suggestion if you have not done so. What about starting a diary, here? Or start journaling a hard copy of your thoughts, frustrations, hurts...whatever helps give you free expression to relieve the inner stresses? This post you wrote was organically honest and I can tell you are speaking from your heart. If you start a diary here, you will have others who follow you and will be there to comment and encourage you. It is an option to think about. If it is too intimidating, don't do it but keep posting otherwise. You are not alone in this journey. I am just sorry that you are foundering right now and caught in the swirling madness of depression. Crying is good. Too many of us have corks in our tear ducts and find crying hard to do. So, you are at least able to let some of your stress release itself. I know it still hurts like heck. Have you told your therapist how depressed you really are? Sometimes we will minimize how deep we are in the thing. Maybe you can get an extra session or extra time with your T to help deal with this?