Detaching From My Family

[amy4k]

I have been really bad these last couple of weeks. My flashbacks and dissociation have been raging and I have just been avoiding my family as much as possible. My husband and I have been married 16 years and we have a good marriage. We also have four kids ranging in age from 7-14.

My husband knew I had "issues" before we married, heck we meet in AA. And when I was diagnosed with PTSD 10 years ago I told him. But, I don't talk to him about my past or even how I am feeling day-to-day much. His general approach to all things medical and mental is to get outside and exercise more. Just keep going. You know what I mean. Yet, I know he loves me and is very worried about me, especially right now.

My kids are now old enough to pick up on my strangeness at times. And, the two oldest ones have both expressed deep concern/fear about where I am now. We do have an appointment with my T on Wednesday for the four of us (Myself, husband and two oldest).

Keeping my family safe and loved has been my priority for the last 16 years. And, I really, really never wanted my PTSD to "touch" them . Right now I am sliding down this slope and am just doing really bad and I just want to get away from them. All weekend I keep having a recurring vision of being a volcano that explodes and takes out everything around me. I feel like I have to get away from them. Yet, I am the primary caregiver and homeschool the two youngest. My husband works almost an hour away and there is no way he can care for all four of them and work.

So, I live in the same house and am basically providing minimal care and when I can love to everyone but it is so draining. There are times I just want/need to fall apart for a little while but someone else needs something from me and it is leading to all this pressure building up inside of me. I've gotten to the point I don't want to be around anyone, I don't want to have to do anything for anyone. I just want to go away. I love them but it seems like more than I can handle.

I guess I am rambling or venting.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

No, you aren't rambling or venting. I had to dump my dysfunctional family after 42 years of abuse physical and mental, narcissism, and how I was thrown to the wolves when I divorced an abusive ex. When enough is enough and to be honest, I am better off for it so I can concentrate on myself.

 

[amy4k]

I don't know what to say...I'm sorry that you have had such a horrible experience with your own family.

I don't hate my family or suffer any abuse from them. My traumas occurred between the ages of 3-18. I love my family and only want to protect them while also be able to do what I need to do for myself. It is my issues of trust that keep me from talking with my husband and my feelings that my children do not need to know about the abuse I suffered at their current ages. I'm just finding myself becoming more and more detached from them. At the same time I see the hurt in them from this because we have always been very close. I've had to separate myself from them here and there of the years (an hour or two, or even just a day) to regain my composure. But this is week three of this episode. I am just drained.