Would cutting off my family be realistic?

[Luna_Moth]

To make a long story short, I grew up with religious narcissists for parents. My mother has manipulated me my entire life and it’s been only recently that I found out I’ve had PTSD since I was 3 or 4 and developed C-PTSD at 5. When I was 28, I got retraumatized by someone simply from being triggered by them. It brought back all of the body memories and emotional flashbacks that I’ve buried all these years, yet I had no visual memories. A few years before that, my mother accused me of having false memories after I pointed out her manipulations. I’ve also come to find out that I was put through Somatic therapy as a child, but they denied I had any trauma.

I’m partially disabled due to my autism, and rely on them financially for a few things. Only now I’m starting to think I should really cut them off for good if I want to get better. I’m thinking of getting another job to pay my way for my health issues and my college, even though it might be hard.

I have a friend who has cut off her parents for being pedophiles and she is staying with me as she has nowhere else to go. We’re thinking of becoming roommates and of moving to a two bedroom apartment once she saves enough money.

I want to get a second job to pay for health issues and to take 1 college class a semester to see how I do.

My main concern is that I’m preparing for EMDR and I’m not sure if working 50 to 60 hours a week while attending school is doable, because I’ve read that you need a lot of time to recuperate after a session. At the same time, I don’t know if I can truly heal if I’m in touch with those that I suspect might have abused me at the preverbal stage. I question if I was sexually abused by someone and I hope they’re not my parents, but regardless the toxicity between our relationship is not helping my mental health at all.

I really feel lost at what to do and would like some input from other survivors who decided to go no contact with their family.

 

[Luna_Moth]

So I might have to get in touch with my grandmother after all because I have to play nice with my abusers. However, I don’t have any qualms about cutting some family members off in the future now that I’ve had a small taste of it.

 

[Sideways]

I don’t have any qualms about cutting some family members off in the future now that I’ve had a small taste of it.

Doesn’t sound like ‘cutting off’ so much as giving them the silent treatment when it suits you.

If that helps you survive, or prevent further abuse? Great.

Doesn’t sound like a path to healing, though.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Doesn’t sound like ‘cutting off’ so much as giving them the silent treatment when it suits you.

If that helps you survive, or prevent further abuse? Great.

Doesn’t sound like a path to healing, though.

The idea was to cut her off, but I realized that if I keep at it then I’d be shooting myself in the foot at this point in my life.

 

[Sideways]

Are there some workable boundaries you can implement that you can sustain over time with your current situation?

 

[Luna_Moth]

Are there some workable boundaries you can implement that you can sustain over time with your current situation?

I would verbally place boundaries, but I’m also afraid of being gaslit and that if I fight back I’d be forced into silence.

 

[Freemartin]

Many people have shared their good points and experiences. I feel I want to share one experience where cutting off the FOO was absolutely the right thing to do.

So, I’d been kinda acting good relations with my parents. My father especially was abusive and very controlling. We were in decent terms for like 20yrs after I’d moved out and gotten my own adult life.

Then, my mom got Altzheimer’s and my pops kinda lost his shit. He wanted me to, among other things, ditch my wife and my whole life on the other side of the country and come live with them. It got extremely distressing, and every time my father called, I would get this full-blown panicky, flashbacky reaction.

I hung in there for 2-3 yrs. Didn’t want to cut them off. But it became increasingly clear that getting constantly triggered into those states and having a stressor like that had a really bad effect on my mental health. It wasn’t about what was polite or culturally accepted or financially reasonable or or or… it had become about my healt and survival.

So, I blocked my father. (My mom was unable to use the phone or e-mail by then, so I basically cut her off too.) i haven’t had a single regret. Not one.

After being no-contact for ~ 3 yrs I recently had to contact my father for pressing peactical issues. The whole shitshow began immediately, in full force. And it destabilzed be just as it had done previously. It was actually good, because it totally showed me that I had made the right choice cutting him off.

So, the point I’m making? Not sure. Just wanted to share my story where being in contact with my FOO was so extremely stressful that it made healing damn near impossible. And kept me in very unsustainable nervous states for long periods of time.

So, when making plans about your resources re studying, working, therapy etc. You may also take into account the amount of resources this situation with your family demands. And would the least draining option be the one where you cut them off? Or the one where you had solid boundaries (setting and maintaining them is one thing in itself.)

Maybe you could find a good trauma therapist and see what they think about all of this?

 

[Luna_Moth]

It got extremely distressing, and every time my father called, I would get this full-blown panicky, flashbacky reaction.

That’s pretty much what happened to me when I was triggered to the point of retraumatization. Every time my mom was in the background with my dad on the phone, she would put in her two cents. That caused me to regress into a terrified little girl. I’ve had PTSD since I was 5. At the age of 28 I was already triggered and her being there was too much.

I’m stable now, but I don’t know how I’m going to deal with some deep level healing with them in the picture. I’ve even had a therapist tell me that she wanted me to go no contact while doing EMDR. She thought it would be best for my own safety and I’m starting to wonder if she was right.

I hung in there for 2-3 yrs. Didn’t want to cut them off. But it became increasingly clear that getting constantly triggered into those states and having a stressor like that had a really bad effect on my mental health. It wasn’t about what was polite or culturally accepted or financially reasonable or or or… it had become about my healt and survival.

I want to do it for survival. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to handle true therapeutic healing with them in the picture.

So, when making plans about your resources re studying, working, therapy etc. You may also take into account the amount of resources this situation with your family demands. And would the least draining option be the one where you cut them off? Or the one where you had solid boundaries (setting and maintaining them is one thing in itself.)

I’m not allowed to have boundaries in my family and they know this. They take advantage because they know I can’t do anything about it without going homeless.

I even begrudgingly got on the phone with my grandmother because my family has been pressuring me and I just don’t have the energy or capacity for conflict.

Maybe you could find a good trauma therapist and see what they think about all of this?

I’m going to be seeing her this week. Hopefully she’ll have some answers for me because I feel completely stuck.

 

[user56652]

That’s pretty much what happened to me when I was triggered to the point of retraumatization. Every time my mom was in the background with my dad on the phone, she would put in her two cents. That caused me to regress into a terrified little girl. I’ve had PTSD since I was 5. At the age of 28 I was already triggered and her being there was too much.

I’m stable now, but I don’t know how I’m going to deal with some deep level healing with them in the picture. I’ve even had a therapist tell me that she wanted me to go no contact while doing EMDR. She thought it would be best for my own safety and I’m starting to wonder if she was right.


I want to do it for survival. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to handle true therapeutic healing with them in the picture.

I’m not allowed to have boundaries in my family and they know this. They take advantage because they know I can’t do anything about it without going homeless.

I even begrudgingly got on the phone with my grandmother because my family has been pressuring me and I just don’t have the energy or capacity for conflict.

I’m going to be seeing her this week. Hopefully she’ll have some answers for me because I feel completely stuck.

I'm glad you're going to talk to someone this week. Hopefully you'll get unstuck.