New to posting to this forum, but I've turned to reading others threads when I need guidance and understanding. Forgive me if I come off as arrogant or not educated enough on the subject... This is something I do wish to change for the sake of my partners health, and to be a better supporter. It's a tricky learning curve.
Me and my partner have been together for 1,5 years now, and boy have we been through a lot. There's been plenty of positive change and improvement in the relationship, after ugly moments surfaced raising some red flags, that we learned from and that we agreed that we never want to allow to happen again. Verbal and mental abuse. Sometimes I feel I make it extra difficult for him because English is not my mother tongue and sometimes I struggle choosing the right words, not being quick enough to comprehend how some phrasing can impact and distort the message. Ideally I need time to edit what I need to say, which in the heat of the moment, obviously is not possible. I am aware that this can make me sound like I change my mind, when I really just find a better way of expressing my thoughts. There is a lot of "I didn't mean it like that" vs "Why did you say it then?" and "The damage is done, you already said it" Our communication is an issue, we are aware of that, sometimes he is understanding of that, sometimes he is unforgiving. "You are an adult, you should know by now how to speak to other people without being disrespectful".
I forget sometimes that we don't have a normal relationship, because we sometimes speak of it as one - the goals and things we want to achieve, no unnecessary conflict or drama, no toxic people in our lives, a healthier more active lifestyle, career progression, travel together, eliminate financial burdens etc. He is incredibly humble, understanding, intelligent and loyal but he has a really left wing rough background in comparison to me, I've been pretty protected in my up-bringing. He can be hectic, restless and unsympathetic. Everyone else he can let it slide with, but from me, as his partner, he always expects more from me. I have never been involved with anyone with anxiety issues before, needless to say, in the beginning I didn't take it seriously because I didn't understand how it affects someone. I still forget how different he perceives things and that I can be more helpful by being more mindful.
I have come to learn that when we argue, and he gets hot-headed and will not hear any other perspective than his own, he needs a 48 hour cooling off period, and then usually is approachable and we can solve the issue in a composed, mature manner. Before I understood that this is a necessary step for him, it was draining me so much because everything that was said during, I took like gospel, like he meant every word and it was so hurtful. If you love someone you do not say certain things to them, even when I am angry and hurt I never turn to threats of ending the relationship as if it didn't mean anything to us. Sometimes I try to stop him when he starts ranting like that, saying "Don't say that, you might regret it" and he always throws back that he knows exactly what he is saying and that he means every word. A few weeks later when brought up, I will hear "You know I didn't mean it, I say hectic things when I get in that mindset". It's a mind-f*ck.
We had a big fight the day after valentine's. It might seem like the most ridiculous thing in the world, but to him it's a deal-breaker and he is now determined to end the relationship. It didnt happen in a heated situation, it was not intentional, in my head it wasn't even said as something malicious. We were casually cuddling and playing Words With Friends and sometimes when one of us gets owned by a big word, we might exclaim things like "You little bitch/douche/shithead etc" so when I accidentally blurted out " You fat f*cking c*nt" I meant it as an endearing taunt. At first he tried to laugh it off, saying that it was very unladylike and he did never expect such words coming from me. I very quickly said that i didnt even know where that came from. In a matter of minutes he analyses this apart and believes that this implies how I perceive him. The fact that he has weigh issues since the surgeries after leaving the military, is why this hit home so hard. In an instant I regretted everything, apologised, started crying for saying something so rude, even as a joke. It was too late though.
He walked out, came back several hours later and seemed very calm, unemotional and heavily rational, explaining to me that he does not want to be with a person that has this sort of character - someone who calls their partner such vulgar things, someone who should be supportive and respectful, and puts them down instead, not having the foresight to know how words like these can crush people and imagine if I had said that to a friend or to a kid "without thinking", what sort of impact that would've had on them. He is shocked over how he all of a sudden "doesn't know this person" that I am, how embarrassed he is for making such a poor choice believing I was the partner he wanted but realizes that if I can't even have control over something like this, then I am not the right person to be in a relationship with him. That I am no good for him and when I ask him to forgive me, assure him that I will never be this reckless again, improve, and earn all the trust that he lost in me as a person, he simply says "Why should I give you another chance to build anything up just to destroy it like this?".
It has been very emotional days of remorse, apologies and me loosing my guts for being such an awful person and partner. I feel awful, I genuinely did never mean to hurt him, I understand that I have beyond comprehension, and it has resulted in some heavy soul-searching. But those 2 seconds of poorly chosen words does not define me, I am not that person. He claims he doesn't know that anymore. The trust has been breached. We live together and my actions have now caused such a bizarre situation - we have a new tenant moving in this week and it's important for him that we act civil and courteous towards eachother, have no loud arguments, sleep in separate bedrooms, just go on with our lives till the lease ends in August. He is trying to be pragmatic about how to continue, but he does not want to be in a relationship with me. My sister and her husband are meant to come in a months time to stay and visit us from across the globe, and he now says that he does not wish for them to come, that he will not "play house" and entertain them... In one way this is the last of my worries, all I care for right now is to repair what has been broken, our relationship, him accept that I will not just give up on us, or allow him to give up on us for something like this. I know that I have no authority over him to say something like that, but I am desperately trying to convince him that this was a mistake and not the end.
Geez, this has turned into a long rant... I just needed to share, and I don't want to share this personal hell with my friends, but I feel that I need to talk to someone and get someone elses perspective. Yes I messed up, but is it beyond repair? Maybe I am too blind to see how I have destroyed everything by being reckless like this. In one way, I'm looking for hope, I'm looking for support, or for some understanding of how it affects him more than I can relate. If he really has made up his mind... I would not want to force him to love me, out of selfishness, because I need him, I love him and I care for him so much. It's so confusing I don't know what to do...
Me and my partner have been together for 1,5 years now, and boy have we been through a lot. There's been plenty of positive change and improvement in the relationship, after ugly moments surfaced raising some red flags, that we learned from and that we agreed that we never want to allow to happen again. Verbal and mental abuse. Sometimes I feel I make it extra difficult for him because English is not my mother tongue and sometimes I struggle choosing the right words, not being quick enough to comprehend how some phrasing can impact and distort the message. Ideally I need time to edit what I need to say, which in the heat of the moment, obviously is not possible. I am aware that this can make me sound like I change my mind, when I really just find a better way of expressing my thoughts. There is a lot of "I didn't mean it like that" vs "Why did you say it then?" and "The damage is done, you already said it" Our communication is an issue, we are aware of that, sometimes he is understanding of that, sometimes he is unforgiving. "You are an adult, you should know by now how to speak to other people without being disrespectful".
I forget sometimes that we don't have a normal relationship, because we sometimes speak of it as one - the goals and things we want to achieve, no unnecessary conflict or drama, no toxic people in our lives, a healthier more active lifestyle, career progression, travel together, eliminate financial burdens etc. He is incredibly humble, understanding, intelligent and loyal but he has a really left wing rough background in comparison to me, I've been pretty protected in my up-bringing. He can be hectic, restless and unsympathetic. Everyone else he can let it slide with, but from me, as his partner, he always expects more from me. I have never been involved with anyone with anxiety issues before, needless to say, in the beginning I didn't take it seriously because I didn't understand how it affects someone. I still forget how different he perceives things and that I can be more helpful by being more mindful.
I have come to learn that when we argue, and he gets hot-headed and will not hear any other perspective than his own, he needs a 48 hour cooling off period, and then usually is approachable and we can solve the issue in a composed, mature manner. Before I understood that this is a necessary step for him, it was draining me so much because everything that was said during, I took like gospel, like he meant every word and it was so hurtful. If you love someone you do not say certain things to them, even when I am angry and hurt I never turn to threats of ending the relationship as if it didn't mean anything to us. Sometimes I try to stop him when he starts ranting like that, saying "Don't say that, you might regret it" and he always throws back that he knows exactly what he is saying and that he means every word. A few weeks later when brought up, I will hear "You know I didn't mean it, I say hectic things when I get in that mindset". It's a mind-f*ck.
We had a big fight the day after valentine's. It might seem like the most ridiculous thing in the world, but to him it's a deal-breaker and he is now determined to end the relationship. It didnt happen in a heated situation, it was not intentional, in my head it wasn't even said as something malicious. We were casually cuddling and playing Words With Friends and sometimes when one of us gets owned by a big word, we might exclaim things like "You little bitch/douche/shithead etc" so when I accidentally blurted out " You fat f*cking c*nt" I meant it as an endearing taunt. At first he tried to laugh it off, saying that it was very unladylike and he did never expect such words coming from me. I very quickly said that i didnt even know where that came from. In a matter of minutes he analyses this apart and believes that this implies how I perceive him. The fact that he has weigh issues since the surgeries after leaving the military, is why this hit home so hard. In an instant I regretted everything, apologised, started crying for saying something so rude, even as a joke. It was too late though.
He walked out, came back several hours later and seemed very calm, unemotional and heavily rational, explaining to me that he does not want to be with a person that has this sort of character - someone who calls their partner such vulgar things, someone who should be supportive and respectful, and puts them down instead, not having the foresight to know how words like these can crush people and imagine if I had said that to a friend or to a kid "without thinking", what sort of impact that would've had on them. He is shocked over how he all of a sudden "doesn't know this person" that I am, how embarrassed he is for making such a poor choice believing I was the partner he wanted but realizes that if I can't even have control over something like this, then I am not the right person to be in a relationship with him. That I am no good for him and when I ask him to forgive me, assure him that I will never be this reckless again, improve, and earn all the trust that he lost in me as a person, he simply says "Why should I give you another chance to build anything up just to destroy it like this?".
It has been very emotional days of remorse, apologies and me loosing my guts for being such an awful person and partner. I feel awful, I genuinely did never mean to hurt him, I understand that I have beyond comprehension, and it has resulted in some heavy soul-searching. But those 2 seconds of poorly chosen words does not define me, I am not that person. He claims he doesn't know that anymore. The trust has been breached. We live together and my actions have now caused such a bizarre situation - we have a new tenant moving in this week and it's important for him that we act civil and courteous towards eachother, have no loud arguments, sleep in separate bedrooms, just go on with our lives till the lease ends in August. He is trying to be pragmatic about how to continue, but he does not want to be in a relationship with me. My sister and her husband are meant to come in a months time to stay and visit us from across the globe, and he now says that he does not wish for them to come, that he will not "play house" and entertain them... In one way this is the last of my worries, all I care for right now is to repair what has been broken, our relationship, him accept that I will not just give up on us, or allow him to give up on us for something like this. I know that I have no authority over him to say something like that, but I am desperately trying to convince him that this was a mistake and not the end.
Geez, this has turned into a long rant... I just needed to share, and I don't want to share this personal hell with my friends, but I feel that I need to talk to someone and get someone elses perspective. Yes I messed up, but is it beyond repair? Maybe I am too blind to see how I have destroyed everything by being reckless like this. In one way, I'm looking for hope, I'm looking for support, or for some understanding of how it affects him more than I can relate. If he really has made up his mind... I would not want to force him to love me, out of selfishness, because I need him, I love him and I care for him so much. It's so confusing I don't know what to do...
