Difficulty being honest with my therapist

[BigBirdsSister]

Hi I am new here so I am sorry for posting so early but I would appreciate some input. Basically I am an honest person overall but when it comes to telling my therapist how bad it is, I will go as far to tell her how badly I am struggling but then I will panic and add in something, or exaggerate about something that would stop me doing myself harm, in order to prevent her from worrying too much as worrying her would make me feel guilty. I am also scared if i am too unwell in her eyes, she will terminate. She knows I have been telling her fibs to negate worry and was kind about it when I admitted it. I told her " I will, and am likely to try and trick you into thinking I am safe, thats what those liies are about. I hate doing it but I panic and come up with bull to make you think I am fine" So essentially I have allowed torn down some walls in letting her in.
However, I am so so scared she will think I will lie about other things now too....like maybe, making things up for sympathy. I wouldn't lie about other things. I hate lies normally, even to the point I will feel guilty if I inaccurately accounted for how many grapes I had, for example. I asked her outright, did she think I was just looking for attention, and she told me she didnt, very kindly. I still worry though. Sorry for the rambling.

 

[NightSky]

Hi @SpiritDancing. Welcome to the forum!
How long have you been with your T?
I think a lot of what you're experiencing is very normal. I was afraid at first of my T terminating with me if I wasn't well enough, and I kept bringing it up in session until she finally reassured me that she wouldn't. She told me a lot of her clients have that unfounded fear. One of the ways she helped me past that was giving me book after book on trauma, starting with The Body Keeps the Score, and as I was reading them I started to realize a) what I was experiencing was very within the realm of normal for people with trauma, and b) if she recommended the book and had read it first, I knew she would be comfortable with any of the symptoms I was experiencing. No matter how messed up I felt they were. To her, they were very common.
You don't need to protect your T or try to cause her not to worry. They are trained to handle how much you're struggling, in a professional way. That's one of the things that sets them apart from friends Friends worry. Therapists whip out their tools and get to work. And if you don't let her see what she's working with, it will waste your time and money.
I have no doubt your T knows the difference between "lying" to seem fine, and making things up. Lying to seem fine is a coping mechanism. Making things up isn't.
It's hard, but you'll get there.. a lot faster if you bring this all up in session.

 

[anthony]

Hi,

What you explain is perfectly normal behaviour in therapy. Trust has to form, and that takes time. The problem though, is that we seek therapy to help ourselves, yet are our won worst enemies in the process, and therapy costs money.

So my advice is simple. Between sessions write down all the things you aren't saying. Don't write a novel, just bullet points containing the primary things that you have not said to your therapist. Put it in an envelope and hand it to them on your next session, telling them its a bullet point list of all the things you're not saying, for discussion.

This lets them quickly know what isn't being said, allows them to piece together more accurate responses and help for you, they may even read it after the session for the next session. Bullet points is important, because a therapists time is limited, and what they really need is the crux of each problem. The rest is for discussion, they just need your help to get each discussion happening.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Thanks Guys
Night Sky I have been seeing her for about 10 weeks. Your T sounds pretty cool. I really do trust mine.. It helps to hear what you have said, thank you. It's more the possibility of her informing outside persons that scares me. Basically I am scared of what will happen if she knows how much of a risk I can be to myself....so I end up telling her things to make it seem I am ok.
I had nightmares last night that she thought I was a liar about everything :( I have dug myself into a hole now of insecurity. I guess maybe I could just have a conversation about it with her. She calls them lies, but I'm the one who dubbed them lies O_O so maybe I am freaking out for nothing. It makes me sad though, because I am normally very honest in other areas of my life. Well except when random guys in the street ask my name...then I do lie :)lol. I'm a scardy cat.