Dirt

[seashells]

Hello. I'm an active member on this site, but I just can't see myself posting this off-anon.

I was sexually assaulted nearly 2.3 years ago. Occasionally, I'll have flashbacks that I can't seem to escape. After the flashback and I have somehow got my bearings, I feel dirty. So freaking dirty. I stay in the shower for an hour cleaning and scrubbing and cleaning until my skin is red from the hot water and from scrubbing. I just don't know what to do. After a flashback, if I'm not able to shower (and sometimes even if I am able to & after the shower) I feel dirty for hours on end. I can't do anything about it, but I just feel dirty. I feel like I have to wash everything as well, bedding including. I knew I should have bought new bedding after using the same stuff since the assault..but I can't afford to spend $100 on bedding all over again. I feel stupid and to blame for that night to begin with. I still can't not blame myself for it. I should have known better...I should have used physical force..but I could not move.

I got carried away....sorry.

 

[Ose]

Seashells, you feel guilty and dirty-but the guilt and the dirt is his, and his alone. Remind yourself multiple times a day that this is a common feeling for those who have been sexually abused, but it is not truth. Try to turn it into anger. Rightous anger. You didn't deserve it. No one deserves it! He had no right! He was cruel!

Get different blankets. A second hand store? A loan from a friend? Destroy the ones you have. Make it into a cleansing ritual.

 

[seashells]

I'll check around for sales and whatnot, but decent bedding is still expensive.
I know it wasn't my fault, but I can't make myself believe it.
Anger turns into regret when I try to think and turn it around. It's just so hard, so hard to change my mindset.

 

[Ucoh]

Ask for new bedding or a gift card for it for the holidays, if you are expecting that, and make it a gift to yourself. You are not to blame, and getting new bedding or other changes, can be healing.

Is there any way to move to a new house or room?