Dissociate

[Bookoffee]

While I was getting ready for work yesterday morning, I started to dissociate. My wife noticed right away because my pupil were different sizes. I took my medication and went back to bed. I couldn’t go into work.

I am tired of trying to be perfect and trying to fit into the normal statute. I am tired of trying to laugh at the right time, I am tired of trying to think of the right thing to say, I am tired of trying to be something I am not. I feel as though I need to change and that I am not good enough the way I am. I feel as though I am way too needy and clingy.

My head is too loud and my body aches. It hurts to think, see or hear. I am tired of feeling as though I need to better than what I am doing. I am completely overwhelmed.

I am tired of being told to just be me when I have no clue who I am or what to think. I feel like a robot I am at my breaking point.

 

[bell]

Hmm... To my knowledge the pupil thing isn't PTSD related, unless perhaps it is due to your medication? Maybe you should get checked out?

And are you in therapy? (If you're not, make an appt today.)

As for how you act, f*ck what other people think and do what you like (as long as it involves no harm to anyone). Start small: find a song you don't hate, notice how the sun feels on your skin, etc.

The minute you stop worrying about everyone else and start focusing on self care, you begin to be free.

 

[Justmehere]

Pupils being different sizes usually is a sign of brain swelling or concussion. I've never heard it being a sign of dissociation. Maybe you should get checked out by a neurologist to see if some of your symptoms are due to a medical reason.

 

[Bookoffee]

I did see a neurologist a while back and they said it might be small seizures but they were not sure. The only time my eyes change like that is when I am overwhelmed or about to dissociate. They put me on lamictal. There hasn't been a change in any of meds in a lone time.

I see my therapist on Tuesday. I haven't seen her is over three weeks because she had a hip replacement. I am hoping Tuesday will help me get over this.

I want to stop worrying about what others think but I don't really know how to. I start to panic when I think I upset someone or over step my boundaries. I obsess over it. I don't know why, it just scares me to death when someone is upset with me, when I overstep boundaries or share my opinion.

 

[greenleaf]

@Bookoffee -- I'm glad you're seeing your T soon. Things like panicking when you think you upset someone can definitely be related to old traumatic events, so figuring it out (slowly and safely) can really help that actually go away over time, at least in my experience. It's a terrible experience but can improve with work.


Have you noticed anything other than your one pupil changing when this happens?

I have been figuring out things about my body that I seem to have ignored for decades. I am wondering if sometimes trauma "stored" in our bodies (probably actually our brains) may be more on one side of the brain than the other. I've noticed that my problems with completely tight and numb shoulder and neck muscles are much worse on my left side. Also the vision in my left eye seems to vary somewhat depending upon how (emotionally?) dissociated I am; I haven't ever totally stopped functioning, so changes are sort of subtle for me. (I am hoping that doesn't get worse with this therapy work.)

It is very hard to describe the differences verbally. Sort of a change in emphasis in how my eyes are working together?

My left eye also flinches and my eyes have been doing this flickering thing back and forth on occasions so I close them, sort of like if I'm drowsy normally.

Other differences between body sides... Tight muscles on my left side have been improving a lot with massage and mentally paying attention to them. They were starting to have troubles after storing this stuff for decades... For me, old pretty complete memory contexts have come out as I've worked on various areas; lots of old fears and outdated scared perceptions of the world have sort of popped out of the frozen muscles (it would have to be brain, but feels like the muscles.) It's a lot more general and vague than what I understand a "flashback" to be like.

 

[franciemarnie]

The pupils grow large in fight or flight in order to see the threat coming. When you are relaxed, the pupils are small. When it is dark, you may be relaxed and the pupils large - again because you - the survival brain parts - are trying to see.

Being you right now is feeling lousy and saying it. To be authentically you, you need to be exactly how you feel. Not trying to be some idea of normal. I find if I don't fight my feelings, if I don't smile when I don't feel like it, etc., I come out of a low place easier.

I am so sorry you are feeling rotten. I know the feeling and fatigue.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am tired of trying to be perfect and trying to fit into the normal statute.

That is how I feel a lot of the time. All last school year I felt that way when it came time to go to school each day. This year I was excited to go back to teaching. I love teaching my classes this year and it's going well. But I hate that I have to go there on days when I feel lousy. I hate trying to pretend for those around me that I am a "normal" person. My co-workers know about my PTSD, but I am not comfortable letting them see what it actually does to me.

 

[bell]

But, @franciemarnie, would it cause your pupils to be different sizes? (Seriously asking, not trying to argue) :)

 

[franciemarnie]

You mean, one pupil is big and one pupil is small? Gosh, that I've never researched. For sure see a doc.

It's good to get checked out anyway. I had so many bizarre physical symptoms beginning in spring. I was freaking the hell out, absolutely sure I was dying. I went to the doc and took zillions of tests. I am physically fine.

Sometimes it's PTSD in the body. Sometimes it's something more. For me, I am continuing to come out of the Big Freeze and the Big Numbness with bodywork and man, it's tough. Sometimes a lot of physical pain.

But I digress!

Please get checked out. Maybe it's PTSD. Maybe it's something else.

 

[greenleaf]

@Bookoffee -- which eye has the dilating pupil, left or right?

The brain changes with ptsd and dissociation aren't quite symmetrical, according to several studies I've been trying to read with moderate success.

I wonder if the lack of symmetry has an effect on where we store things, and which side shows a response when we are triggered if we've dissociated/stored trauma in a certain way?

Various studies showing lack of brain symmetry in ptsd and/or dissociation, in one way or another. This probably all also varies with the person and whether you have the dissociative subtype or not...

I have no idea if these regions would also be involved in pupil dilation or muscle tightness...

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23790686
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20980718
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20569651

This one requires watching some Star Trek first to deal with its pretty out-there terminology... I did pick out the word "left" though! :geek:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15820708

 

[Chava]

So sorry you're overwhelmed. I think I get the pupil thing too but I don't know. I know my pupils are too large most of the time...was stopped by a counselor in the high school hallway when I was a kid and asked if I was on anything. I wasn't. I had always just been that way. On cloudy days I need sunglasses if I'm way stressed or over-activated.

I relate to both feeling not good enough (for me it's that I'm really not worthy and it's not okay to just "be") and also overwhelm, though I experience them quite separately so not sure if my ideas will be helpful. But when mixed up in trying to be worthy, even to myself, it helps to just stop the questions or search for meaning and focus on one or two things I simply enjoy doing that can absorb my attention (artwork, walking my dog). Super-triggered stress and overwhelm is felt as being caught in like all time at once and also depersonalized. Then I need to feel safe. Anything to pull my back into myself is helpful. I'm very resistant to feeling support from others when highly stressed (go into a total self-protective mode), but contact with one of my pets seems to be very helpful. I know it's hard, especially when we are also triggered by feelings of need (I hate feeling needy), but please keep reaching out for support and do whatever helps you stay safe and comfortable through the overwhelm. And let your body rest. I'm hoping to recovery from lots of aches this weekend too. :hug: