Dissociated....came Round...bad

[sandworm]

Hi, I've been diagnosed CPTSD about ten years, though it was probably present previous. Just recently diagnosed with DID(nos) which explains some of the symptoms that just felt like I was crazy. Add into this a history of alcoholism and self harm and an ongoing battle with anorexia and that's me.

Big problem tonight; I often lose time, don't remember whats happened etc. I also have flashbacks of the events that caused the ptsd (three separate situations that each occurred numerous times with various people). The dissociation is scary, I never know what might have happened. Tonight now I maybe wish I didn't know what happened. I'd dissociated and I came round and something bad had happened (was still happening but I dissociated again) I don't know how I got into this situation. I'm scared. I've avoided anything like this for years. I feel truly dirty and disgusting. Work in therapy had been trying to change these beliefs, now this has happened. Feel like I shouldn't tell anyone whats happened, got that scared child part wanting to retreat into darkness and shutdown, got the oppressive part telling me I can't say anything, telling me all the usual judgmental crap.

I don't know what to do. Have taken my medication to get through the night. What if this happens again? What if its happened before? I'm just a dirty bitch. Sorry. Cheery first post

 

[Pietro]

I wish I had something useful to say, wish I understood more. If you have a therapist, it might be a good idea to give him/her a call, if this is situation is bad enough.

As far as not telling anyone, if you can, it might be good to at least tell your therapist. One thing I've felt, recently, is that secrets are dangerous -- they keep you alone and in that dark place. Your therapist is not there to judge you, but to help you by understanding what you're going through.

I hope you get to a comfortable place, tonight.

 

[Grace Hope]

Sandworm

Sorry this is happening to you. I have no idea about what you are needing as it is way over my head.

All I can ask you to think about is that in PTSD symptoms can be very different from another persons. No one feels and sees the same as you but people have fears that are the same as others. I think you need to make contact with a thrapist who knows about how to treat the PTSD symptoms.

Try not to worry too much as it will eat away at you. Maybe try and write down your fears so that you can understand them more. The therapist and close friends are the way to go.

Everyone has bad days, they don`t last forever.

 

[Brad1980]

From my personal experience my first reaction to any situation is wrong. I have learned and practice doing the opposite of what my instincts tell me. First thought wrong. If my first thought is to keep silent I tell someone. My Flash backs and disassociations left me confused but never put me in harms way. Talk to your therapist. One of things I had to learn was to treat myself gently, I am my own harshest judge. I used to destroy myself every time I did something wrong. I hope things get better for you. I hope you find some peace.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hi Sandworm. Brad is so right. Tell someone about your experience they can help you.

I was wondering do you get a warning before you blank out? Do you notice you are not breathing normal, you become fearful, feel like you are falling down a roller coaster or the walls are closing in? This warning is called an Aura. If you can possibly notice the episode starting you may be able to with practice ground yourself.

At the first clue one of these episodes are happening. Try naming things in the room you are in. Notice and name colors, objects or whatever you see out loud until you feel you are coming out of the episode. You are now grounding. Next take a few deep breaths. I found it helpful the first few times of practice to have someone I could just reach for. They new this as my sign to them I was dissociating. They would ask me to look around the room activating me. Also some people use a necklace to touch or a coin in their pocket anything that works to make you ground.

After doing this three times. I am no longer afraid. I know what it is and why it is happening. I hope to be able to do this myself next time. I am going to practice. Warding the episode of in the start shortens the whole thing. I am wishing you can find a way to get through these episodes soon. They stink.

 

[sandworm]

Thanks for the advice, sorry for the delay in reply, been a lot going on. I spoke to my therapist, she took it upon herself to inform the police of the situation and it was all taken quite seriously. The six hours of going through everything with police felt worse than what had happened, especially when we were able to work back over things and uncover the things I couldn't remember while in dissociated state. Sent me into a bit of a spiral where I came close to bad things. But I've been able to clear my head a little since and am trying to move away from all the judgments.

I can sometimes tell when episodes are going to happen and I have learnt lots of things to ground me, but majority of the time they just seem to happen and I don't realise until afterwards. I know it would really help to lean to recognise when it might happen. It's a little different from my flashbacks, there's a more definite trigger (most of the time) and I can sometimes prevent it going really out of control. It's easier when I'm around people, but I do live alone and have a lot of time by myself so I need to learn how to do this myself. Been working on all this for a long time. Getting there slowly. This last week has just been a bit of a set back as it's brought up a lot of things, emotions, memories, physical symptoms. But still working on it.