Dissociation At Work - And Amnesia, Caused By Shame

[Ms Blue Sky]

Hi there all, I'm glad I can get this off my chest with some folks who I hope will understand, I've never dissociated like this before, though when I was younger I would make up stories constantly in my head with three " parts " ( a troubled male, a submissive compliant female and a rebellious female )

Anyway I feel so ashamed of writing this - but there is a man I have been obsessed with at work for months, I was advised that I shouldn't avoid him like I normally do when I'm obsessed but that I should attend his meetings, he is in a position of authority but I got to know him because he gave me some advice

I asked a colleague to attend with me and I didn't know that she worked with him before - I was already very nervous and shaking at the thought of seeing him and then he said hello but then started to talk to my colleague, congratulating her on her studies and asking how her son was

Somehow this triggered in me loads of shame and I instantly began to think, I'm not good enough, he'll think I'm pathetic, I'm just a compliant silly barbie doll with nothing to say, all these awful shaming thoughts came up and I started to think that he'd disapprove of me or hate me like my dad

The three of us were in the room and the next memory I have, I had left the room and was walking along the hall to the meeting feeling extremely anxious, paranoid and vulnerable, hiding from people and not wanting to talk to anyone, there was a book to sign in and I remember vaguely feeling intrepid about signing the book, I don't know if I signed it or what I wrote

The next thing was that the meeting began and the man I liked seemed down in the meeting - I am worried that he saw me switch or even worse that I did or said something to concern him - my colleague in the hall said " do you know Jim? " so I don't know how I acted around him! I couldn't reveal that I knew him well as I had seen him about bullying in my team

Today I tried to bring it up with my colleague and said casually ah yes, we spoke to Jim about that didn't we? And said I was so tired I couldn't remember, she said " yes we spoke to Jim " and smiled as if nothing untoward had happened

I wanted to know, is it possible that the " alter " that took me over whilst I was in total amnesia, could have had a normal conversation, I don't know, it alarms me that I exited the room early, I can't remember anything, I've been trying and trying but it's just gone from my memory

I like this man so I hope I didn't act weird, I guess he saw me switch in front of him though, he was opposite me

Avoiding the situation for now as it triggered me so much, I don't see him that often - I just wondered if anybody could identify or shed some light, I know nobody can actually see or know what happened but is it possible I could have acted as normal ( I wish I knew what I said! )

I have just started therapy and am aware of parts of me coming out in the therapists office, mainly a small child and an angry teenager

Any replies welcomed thank you X X

 

[Sideways]

Switching is something that we learn as a child as a defence mechanism, so that a "stronger" part (for want of a better word) can deal with a stressful situation for us.

It continues to work that way into adulthood. So your brain will have made a decision about which of your parts was best equipped to deal with the situation. The good news is that most often, that means that we end up dealing with the situation freakishly well, and the only person that realises anything was even off is you personally.

Sometimes we end up switching into a part that thinks it's helping but actually it's not. But in those situations, there's usually a fair few clues left behind to know that, eek, that was awkward.

If your work colleagues are treating you as they always have, then odds are you actually pulled off the meeting really well:)

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Hey Ragdoll Circus, thanks for replying! :-) I feel much better after reading your post but I just wondered, could it be I coped and my part pulled everything off with flying colours, then when I came back into my body again and felt present again, that was when the fear and anxiety would have surfaced....but not during the event itself?
Luckily this man certainly didn't appear angry, I think he would have done if I had insulted him! I haven't spoken to him, only the other girl who was with us
Yes, I think another part of me handled the situation when it became overwhelming and I'm grateful to that part

What I really was curious about was the fear afterwards when I became " me " again, do you know if this is normal?

Wish I could have asked my colleague, what did I say and do? But that would have been a bit freaky to her I think, she'd probably think I'd been drinking or something, I don't think many people would get this especially at work ;-)
You have a great day Ragdoll Circus X X

 

[Sideways]

No worries- that's how we roll here;)

When I switch, and then come back, it's basically like the intervening time didn't happen at all. No sense of how much time has past - everything just picks up exactly like it was before I switched. Unfortunately, yes, that means all the emotions I was feeling before come straight back at me. Only difference is now I don't have to deal with the situation I wanted to avoid - some other part has taken care of it for me.

The amnesia is a real b@stard, but it's good to know that there's useful parts in there that can muscle up and take care of the crap occasionally! The juice is when you start to get in contact with your parts and get to know them better so that you can work as a team - you've probably got a part in there somewhere that can totally nail your job without the least bit of anxiety, so it'd be good to consciously have them on board more of the time:)

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Hey THANK YOU, this is the best I have felt for days, I was desperately worrying, trying to grope for the memories day and night and worried any friends I confided in would think I was loopy and insane, I'm so glad that you could help me make sense of it and understand
I really am glad of that part, amazing, I was petrified about this situation but now pretty sure I handled it fine as my colleague is acting perfectly normal with me
Haha yes amen to that Protector, I'm guessing it was a protector, I just feel so much better now I've spoken with somebody who gets it
I do want to integrate all the fragmented parts ideally, I think I'm on the road to trying to do that now, I've just started therapy and in the therapy room I can get a glimpse of the other parts
Great to hear from you and I really like your username too :-)