Christians, how do you work on shame and forgiveness for self?

[Dynamic]

@Friday I'm a Christian and you speak respectively and I appreciate that.

Forgiveness is how you said. Like accepting it for what it is and leaving it there? Going on without it?

For Christians:
Jesus/God forgives us of our sins, and says we must forgive the sins of others.

God knows our struggles and pain, and doesn't steamroll us through healing. Hes known as Comforter and Helper. He's not a man in the sky with lightening.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm allowing myself to have this resentment and anger towards my abusers because for years all I did was excuse them. Well, I'm not right now. Right now, I'm pissed at them. And that's ok.

This right here is what brought all of this up. I can forgive. I have the capacity or ability to forgive. I forgive many. But my trauma and my perps I cannot forgive and I will instantly answer, without question, that no, I cannot forgive them and I cannot forgive that. My brain can't comprehend that. Forgiveness for that and for them. What I went through. I almost feel like it's letting them off the hook and f*ck that! They went free until the day they died. I could of gone to the police and the courts but didn't. My therapist and I spoke about that very thing many times and I flat out refused to do it. I feel they got off SUPER easy. But forgive them? No!

The pastor brings up forgiveness a lot. Not sure why. He's said that it's not like in the Bible that one goes to hell or whatever if they don't forgive. Not that threatening me with hell and fire and such works anyway but just saying that he doesn't thing that anything bad will happen if I don't forgive. I'm not sure why he's so hell bent about me forgiving them and what they did. Unless he truly believes that will "free" me or whatever. But I'm the freest I've ever been. I'm stronger then I've ever been! I can stand up to them now. I mean, they are dead but if they weren't I could.

Today, Facebook reminded me of a post I made in 2010. It said "I'm a nobody. Who are you? Are you a nobody too?" Probbably stole that from criminal minds or something but I shared it to tell myself to stop saying shit like that to myself. But I also noticed the comments from my mom. I accepted her friend request on Facebook and we were slightly communicating for about 6 months or so. It made me sick. She didn't want a relationship with me (which is the only reason I accepted her friend request). She wanted to control me. She wanted to feel in control of me again and it got her off. The fact that I allowed that, while in therapy and not even that long ago makes me sick. But Im stronger now! I can see that for what it is and yeah, f*ck them.

Sorry, I'm rambling at like midnight. Should shut up now but one more thing...

I read somewhere that psychopaths are subject to a brain abnormality that causes them to behave the way they do so their actions are really not their fault.

f*ck that too! Just like PTSD doesn't give us a right or excuse to hurt other people and if we did it would be a choice and would 100% be our fault, same goes for any other mental illness including psychopathy!

Forgiveness is how you said. Like accepting it for what it is and leaving it there? Going on without it?

How does one go on without it? Don't really get that concept. The memories are there. The pain is there. The trauma is there. PTSD and OSDD and all of their symptoms are there. The pastor says that though it's all still there, you don't carry it anymore but how's that if it's all still there? I mean, PTSD won't let the past go on behind you and keeps pulling you back into the past and trauma.

I dunno. It's a hard concept for me but trying to understand it.

 

[scout86]

The whole psychopath/brain scan thing is something that's pretty interesting. (At least to me.) This might be a little off topic, but it's your thread, so you can decide.
psychopath/brain .

To me, the most interesting part of the whole thing is that one of the leaders in this area of research, while looking at brain scans, realized that HIS brain scan fits the criteria they'd developed for what a psychopath's brain looks like. But he's not a serial killer, or abusive, or generally evil in anyway. He IS a bit challenged in the empathy department.

So, yeah, how your brain is structured and how you were raised and a bunch of other stuff aren't excuses. The might be reasons, but they don't excuse anything.

He's said that it's not like in the Bible that one goes to hell or whatever if they don't forgive. N

I'm not so sure it actually says that. At least not in the New Testament. It might say something to the effect that we SHOULD forgive, but I don't think it says we MUST or else. A big part of the message really relates to treating others as we would like to be treated. That's had to sort out when the offense was something as bad as it was in your case and there's not easy way to imagine being in the position of the offender.

I'm not sure why he's so hell bent about me forgiving them and what they did.

Have you asked him that?

Like accepting it for what it is and leaving it there?

How does one go on without it? Don't really get that concept. T

Depends on which "it" we're talking about. Being angry and wanting vengeance takes a lot of energy. Hate takes a lot of energy. If you can let go of those kinds of things, it's true that you still have all the scars left by the trauma but you've freed up a bunch of energy to put into the rest of your life. It seems to me that by continuing to hate the people who've harmed me, I'm still letting them have a kind of power and influence over my life. I can see an advantage to reaching a point where they are no longer important enough to hate. (Not saying it's easy to do!)

 

[Dynamic]

@lostforgottensoul
I dont think you need to shut up, I am listening and glad you are exploring this.

For me it was with the help of my therapist that I was able to forgive the people that harmed me (in relation to PTSD).
What I get from you is you understand forgiveness, you believe in it, you know how to do it, but when it comes to trauma/your abusers, youre stuck.

God ultimately helps me to forgive. My therapist came in, to guide me through the complex emotions and thoughts, and helped me untangle the wires. Then I was free enough to conciously and wholly choose to forgive the damage that was left from trauma. that was for God, myself and those around me, because your pastor is right, you will be even more free and strong than you are now, by forgiving your abusers.

Sometimes, I have had to blindly allow God to erase/forgive FOR ME because I know I can trust him with my insides, and I couldnt do it myself.

The size of the wrong done to us, directly impacts the difficulty level of forgiveness, the amount of times we will have to forgive the same thing until we have fully processed the wrong and come out to the other side. which happens all the time and is possible.

Its easier to forgive someone who is sorry, changes their behavior, shows remorse, etc.

evil people doing evil things, are unaware or unattending to the good. Our carnal nature/minds want to see justice for the evil done, but vengance is the Lords and his judgments are eternal.

Its true you will be MORE free if you forgive your abusers. God basically says, love everybody Ill sort them out later.

Your pastor is good to encourage you to forgive. I had to bring it up with my therapist that I knew I needed to forgive but now I know I couldn't wrap my head around it alone.

holding onto anger for something someone did to you is like drinking poison and expecting them to die.

praying for you