How do you work on shame?

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Whenever I acknowledge my shame, it seems to make less intense.

Brene always says shame hates the light. It’s hard but we have to share it with someone or a T or deconstruct it ourselves.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think shame grows when perspective and support are lost, or the ability to accept support or care. And also a harsh Inner Critic or self-rejection. I also think it decreases more quickly or at all with outside support than inside efforts.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I know the definitions. I was looking for your perspective *because* it differed from my own. But somehow you continue to be very passive aggressive when I speak to you so I'm gonna put you on ignore instead and yknow f*ck it. Embrace my ban because maybe one day you'll look at how you treat people and realise you're not always the victim

@ Chris-duck You know, the crazy people in my life used that phrase "you're not always the victim" or "don't play the victim" when in fact, I wasn't-they used it when they were abusing me and I was having an emotional reaction to their abuse. When I talked to my therapist about being trashed with that phrase.....she said it was a phrase that helped to continue to abuse cycle....and to put the attention on the abuser as being sane, and discrediting everything the "victim" had to say.

According to Brenè Brown there’s no such thing as helpful shame. Guilt yes, not shame. And apparently the distinction does matter idk! I’m not a massive fan of all her stuff but I feel like she knows what’s she’s about with shame. Well I mean she has been studying it for years.

I read some of her books she’s always trying to get you to get the next one but a lot of it is repeating it self. Although there’s new stuff in each. I honestly can’t remember the one I liked the best to recommend. I read power of vulnerability, gifts of imperfection, and daring greatly. It is a little more geared towards people who are just a wee bit struggly not people incapacitated by bad time brains.

She had that ted talk that went viral. I liked the books had a couple of near breakdowns while listening to it on my commute (before my bad time brain incapacitated me… again!
Hurts real good if you know what I mean.

Brene Brown has either a Netflix or Prime show that was really great. I think one video is much better than reading a book.....and I've read a couple.

 

[Chris-duck]

@TruthSeeker As much as I understand your view from solely this interaction as me being abrasive, and I understand that the phrase triggers you. And as I acknowledged, I was angry and out of line. But saying that.. "you're acting like a victim" could be an abusive statement, but also, throwing the first punch then acting hurt when someone hits back is also an abusive behaviour. I did not claim my own sanity (hah), or discredit anything anybody said in this thread. I do find your comment both offensive and ill informed. But that's really not a thing that I care about, in the grand scheme of things. So yeah, you do you, I'll do me.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note: the thread is about working on shame. Let's get back to the topic.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Have you managed to reduce it? What do you think was most helpful in reducing it

Naming it and why it's there. This has worked for most PTSD related things. Fear, panic, unhealthy thoughts, feelings, even dreams. Why I'm having them and what it's linked to in the past. I dunno if it's a type of therapy and if so, what it's called but my therapist always has me doing this. Cause once it's named and what it's linked to from my past, rational thought seems to reappear and then I can also challenge it and work through it. It almost opens up another doorway in my brain. Sort of a path around it or space to work through it.

I still have a f*ck ton of shame. But, this has helped to reduce it some and work through it some. Hope that made sense and helps!

 

[TruthSeeker]

So my take on shame is that there is "rightfully earned shame" and "misplaced shame." Say, you went out, drank heavily, booze in your case is agitating, so you mouthed off viscously to a young child, and they ran away in fear crying.....you later feel shame because you hurt a child when you had too much. To get rid of that kind of shame...I call it "earned shame"...... you'd need to both own your behavior, and then appropriately make amends, then change how you act in the future so shameful behavior doesn't continue and that stops the feeling of shame that was deserved in the first place. In making amends in this situation, it helps the shameful feeling diminish. So, you take action.....right?

So, where shame is created or derived as a result of trauma, name it, own the feeling, know that shame has it's place and a purpose but this isn't it, and then rationalize it as inappropriate or part of a cognitive distortion because it's not "earned shame." You still need to take action if it isn't deserved to move through it. I see PTSD like a big old cobweb, and the threads of the cobweb are really sticky. So when you rub up against it, one or more of the shameful threads stick to other things then the shame show up in dreams, fears, and then we loop (ruminate) over it.....and that's unhealthy. IN people of trauma, shame pops up and sticks with us even though we may not have deserved it or earned it. So I think your therapist is right on with her approach! Keep up the good work!

 

[favorwithgod]

I've such a lot of shame to work on. Maybe toxic shame too. Wondering how others deal with / have dealt with it?

Have you managed to reduce it? What do you think was most helpful in reducing it?
Thanks in advance

PRAY, talk to God about it and ask for forgiveness and understanding.

 

[somerandomguy]

PRAY, talk to God about it and ask for forgiveness and understanding.

Unhelpful. Got any non-religious advice?

 

[Friday]

Unhelpful. Got any non-religious advice?

Just because it’s not helpful for you, doesn’t mean it’s not helpful for the OP or anyone else, in thread. It was also entirely on point:

@favorwithgod answered the OP’s question “How have YOU managed to reduce it. What do YOU think was most helpful in reducing it?” Which means it’s not crossing into proselytising. They were answering for themselves. Diverse community. Diverse belief systems. Diverse backgrounds.

 

[Survivor3]

I deal with shame quite alot. It's awful sometimes. I just try to say to myself "I was young, ill informed and didn't know any different ". I didn't have family or friends to seek advice, so I just kept f*cking up. At some point you really need to forgive yourself, close that chapter of your life and learn from it.

 

[Freddyt]

The further I get along in therapy the more I realize what drives that shame. If you do a google image search for "embarrassment dysphoria" one of the first images that comes up is one from Redbubble. (grey face and red)
Sad part is that before I even started therapy I knew that little guy. He has been with me a long time. His one trick is to turn embarrassment into shame and anger. For a lot of things.
Like all dysphoria - understanding it's there feeding you negative when there isn't any is my trigger for examining things. In my head I can hear my T, "why do you feel like that?". Stopping and understanding why I feel like that takes away his power.