Dissociation, Disturbing

[Sandstone]

Urgh

Came out of therapy and stood shivering in the sunshine.
I conceded that a Dissociative disorder looks like a reasonable definition of me, that it explains a lot. Once again T wanted to start mapping multiple EPs and I had to stop her. Partly because I didn't think what she was saying was accurate, and it matters to me to get it right if it's done at all.

But mainly because the image of Bubonic Plague was firmly planted in my mind. It's enough to diagnose it, it's shocking and disturbing and my bowels are spasming all over the place because that's the nearest I can get to expressing my gut wrenching shock.

If you've acknowledged you have plague, the last thing you want is someone enthusiastically drawing a chart of the pestilent swellings coming up all over your body. I'm shaken.

 

[seedling]

a reasonable definition of me, that it explains a lot.

Seems like that is progress.

Now to let that settle in and see where you can go with it. Hang in there, move at your own pace.

 

[Hope4Now]

Take it really, really slowly. Your t needs to let you set the pace...let him/her know it is too much too soon. This is really important as a t gets to know you, especially if you tend to be a pretty guarded/intellectual type (like me...it took a long time for my t to start to notice when things were getting too much...and a long time for me to be able to tell too...and to tell him). I just got a DD diagnosis on top of the PTSD one. Not surprising to me, actually. Have you poked through this thread yet? https://www.myptsd.com/threads/structural-dissociation.50555/

It was reading this thread and some of the links on it that finally started everything kind of falling into place for me. It took a couple of months. That's not to say that I'm even at the stage of "processing" yet, but it all sort of makes sense, and I'm getting used to the idea of what dissociation can/does mean.

The good news is...you don't have the plague! (but I'm glad you have some dark humor about it...at least that's how I'm interpreting your post).

Take care of you, @stenni. I'm only too familiar with the shivering and intestinal issues after therapy...and well...after lots of things. Argh.

 

[Sandstone]

Now to let that settle in

Take it really, really slowly

This is the NHS - therapy gets doled out in 16 week lumps, and I'm nearing the end of the first 16 weeks. I think I need to do as much work myself as I possibly can, as quickly as I can. My T hopes to find out next Tuesday if I am eligible for another 16 weeks. My 4am fears were suggesting that I had been pushed towards this diagnosis because there are no official guidelines for it, so they can wriggle out of treating me. At midday that seems less likely, but I've seen the manoeuvres the NHS will go though to avoid being held accountable for waiting times delays.

I am back to looking at in bemusement and think there is enough, or enough stuff, for this

especially if you tend to be a pretty guarded/intellectual type (like me...it took a long time for my t to start to notice when things were getting too much...and a long time for me to be able to tell too...and to tell him). I

That's me. I kept thinking yesterday - well surely she can tell how upset I am. But I think that was showing as a slight tightening in the outer corner of my mouth as I resisted any possibility of tears.

Yes, I 've wandered into that SD thread, but it seems to be in a different place from me, so I 'm sticking to my own at the moment.

some dark humo

No, you see, even when a graphically horrible image is what comes to mind I clearly framed it a way that suggested I wasn't as upset as I am.

It feels like horror to me, trapped in a mess of stinking disease. I know I've just insulted a group of people who are kind, thoughtful, intelligent and generous, and I'm sorry, but that's where I am now.

This seems like Mental Illness with a great big capital M and I. Like nothing I ever think or say or do will be reliable again, because it could be an EP, not the real me. Even the real me isn't real, it's half a person. PTSD seemed like a mental injury, and hey - accidents happen. This says - welcome to the asylum.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Stenni, I write this in hopes of making dissociation and dissociative disorders seem less like the bubonic plague and more like... say gluten intolerance. Plague is an all or nothing thing. No one has a "little" plague. But gluten intolerance... well, some people have full blown celiacs and get sick from cross contamination (like in peanut allergies - just a little will set them off) this is kind of like having DID - losing time totally having full blown alters...Pretty scary stuff admittedly, but still workable (unlike plague). But then there is the whole range of being affected in between. Some people are really gluten intolerant - but can tolerate cross contamination and can treat being "glutened" with enzymes etc. Some people just get indigestion... Some people just feel bad...

With respect to dissociation - everyone... and I mean EVERYONE (except, maybe those among us who have achieved total Enlightment - like the Dalai Lama or something) dissociates to some degree. "Checking out" "Day-dreaming" getting adept at ignoring physical pain...these are lesser dissociative states. Not surprising, as dissociation is incredibly adaptive as a survival trick. So the question is not whether you dissociate - everybody does - but to what extent and in what ways?

EP's are not, BTW - totally unreliable. In fact, that is part of the trickiness of the thing - they are TERRIBLY reliable at what they do. They are just, more or less, "one trick ponies." You are STILL a whole person - how could you not be? It is just that the bits of your whole person doesn't speak to each other as regularly, reliably and productively as some people's parts do. People don't start out as integrated wholes and break into parts. Babies start as a bunch of parts that gradually (to the extent that they can and it works for them) integrate into a single consciousness. And the integration is never "perfect" and unbreakable - because given dire enough circumstance anyone can still split off a bit (into "classic" PTSD.) Why? because dissociation is ADAPTIVE. That's what structural dissociation theory helped me see. No one starts out an integrated whole. So, if you have bits that are dissociated (aren't on regular speaking terms) you need to learn to get the bits of you to talk to each other. Having figured this out, you are doing it now. Good job! A pain in the ass compared to other people whose bits have been on speaking terms for years, but.... not the end of the world. At least you can get better. We know how to work with this.

I felt a lot better about my ADHD diagnosis when I read... who was it... someone who identified it as a "hunter" orientation - hyper focusing (which, as an aside, involves a certain degree of dissociation) is super useful when you are, say... hunting. The fact that I live in a world that does not accommodate and in fact penalizes my super powers... Is inconvenient and infuriating - but it doesn't mean that I am bad or wrong or sick.

So despite the moniker "mental illness" associated with dissociative disorders, they are not in any way, shape, or form "illnesses" like the plague or small pox, or ... you get the idea. It is more like having a bad backhand swing in tennis, or not knowing how to swim. You just didn't have the opportunity to learn the trick of integration. Now you do.

 

[Hope4Now]

What @Eleanor said.
Be brave and strong as you have been your whole life. Once you get out of your head (intellect), the terrain is scary because it is unfamiliar, but it is doable, okay? Really truly. I'm walking with you and so are many others here.

 

[Friday]

. My 4am fears were suggesting that I had been pushed towards this diagnosis because there are no official guidelines for it, so they can wriggle out of treating me. At midday that seems less likely, but I've seen the manoeuvres the NHS will go though to avoid being held accountable for waiting times delays.

Does the NHS use the DSMV? If so, PTSD Specifier: Dissociative Symptoms

Specify if: With dissociative symptoms.
In addition to meeting criteria for diagnosis, an individual experiences high levels of either of the following in reaction to trauma-related stimuli:

1. Depersonalization: experience of being an outside observer of or detached from oneself (e.g., feeling as if "this is not happening to me" or one were in a dream).
2. Derealization: experience of unreality, distance, or distortion (e.g., "things are not real").

 

[rainy_daze]

@FridayJones they use the ICD-10, although the DSM is still credited as influencing how psychs see/understand mental health.

My T hopes to find out next Tuesday if I am eligible for another 16 weeks

I hope you get more stenni, and I think a dissociative disorder more than justifies longer help for you.

I don't know if it's helpful, but my T just said to think of it as dissociation [instead of a label], which is protective. Everyone dissociates, just some more than others.

I'm short on words stenni but I'll come back to your thread sometime. The Structural Dissociation thread had me lost too.

 

[Sandstone]

All just too complicated, difficult, disturbing, painful to think about. My mind just bounces off the subject when I try to go near it. I'm feeling very fragile and want to run away to Torquay. No idea why Torquay, but that's what my brain is telling me.

I'll be back when I've got a bit more - resigned??

 

[rainy_daze]

Once again T wanted to start mapping multiple EPs and I had to stop her

I never did this with my T, and I suffer from a dissociative disorder (as I already mentioned). If you are uncomfortable with her doing this stenni, I advise telling her this. You can go at your own pace. I know you want to hurry the process up, but that doesn't mean you need to do the things the T is telling you to do. [I'm glad you can stop her when you need to]

^ To be honest, I find a lot of the stuff about dissociation on the forums is more about DID [Dissociative Identity Disorder] and that is why I don't relate, because I'm just one personality. I might bounce from extremes, lose some time when I'm dissociated and so on, but I never "wake up" in a place without knowing how I got there, I don't find items I've bought that I don't remember... The language of EPs and the like, I do understand, but they don't fit me.

SO what I'm trying to say is, ask the T to go slow, tell her how you're feeling [about the Dissociative Disorder label or disagnosis] and don't let her map EPs if you don't want to/need to/understand the point of it.

That is probably not coming across so well, and like I'm telling you what to do rather than giving friendly advice, but I've had a long day. Is Torquay nice? :laugh: Maybe I'll join you in that runaway :).

I hope your next session with the T goes well.