Dissociation - How Do You Know?

[ghotiff]

How do you know how much (or how often) you dissociate. I'm trying to work this out for myself so I can discuss this further with my T.

The one time I KNOW I dissociated, I lost time and ended up in a different location and I would never have done/allowed it if I was "with it" (ie not dissociated), and when I "came to" I had no idea how I got there. This has happened more than once, but this time was undeniably a loss of time.

But I think it happens often. For example, I have always felt (and my family agrees) that I have a very poor memory because I often can't remember things that have happened. But, when it comes to academics I have a brilliant memory and if my goal is to remember something, I have strategies etc to ensure I will remember.

A recent minor example is when watching TV, my husband will make a comment and I will again have not noticed a major element of what happened on TV. Note, that I'm not distracted and as far as I'm aware my full attention is on the TV, eg my eyes are still on the screen but I will not have seen something significant.

I have been learning that lots of things that I thought were "normal" or that I thought were medical, are actually due to my childhood issues ... And I'm wondering if this is another one.

 

[ms spock]

The dissociation thing is like a piece of string - how long is a piece of string... I am so much less dissociated than I was last year, and significantly improved on 2013. I am still dissociating a lot and my psychiatrist will pick up statements of comments as signs of a particular type of dissociation - distorted thinking. I can get what she is saying. But I am still quite dissociated - but I am so much better than I was - so for me it kind of got worse before it got better. Writing stuff down can help a lot to monitor things.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @Ms Spock, I totally get the string analogy.

With writing things down. Do you mean write down all the times I think I might have? Eg events like the TV example? But if someone doesn't call attention to it, I don't notice.

 

[Adorraj]

I don't know if I dissociate I think I put myself on auto pilot. People talk to me and I response but inside I am encased in a wall that was put there to protect me. Sometimes I become aware of where I truly am in life. It's like am waking up and becoming aware. It's over whelming so I go back "inside".

 

[Lucycat]

I think trying to record how much you dissociate is a bit like trying to count how many times you breathe or blink in a day. The more you focus on it, the more elusive it becomes as far as monitoring it.

I refer to dissociation as spacing out. So, yes I can watch a TV programme without a clue what it is about. However if it engages my attention the I will probably remember more. There are times when to me it doesn't matter much. There are other times - such as when I am at work that I have to keep using the grounding techniques to bring me back 'into the room'. I can have days when I am 'spacey' or it can be minutes or seconds within a day. It does not bother me, because I know what it is.

 

[Fadeaway]

I have different types of dissociation. There are the times I have no clue but other times it is as if I a trapped in a fog / under water state. I fight desperately to get out of it, but I can't I feel very disconnected from my body and overly aware of my mind. People can be talking to me but I just can't get what they are saying to register. Sort of like external sensory input goes from normal internet speeds to dial up. What the person said will eventually register, it just takes a very long time.

Then I have more of the numb, dream like state dissociation. This the, "I thought I was paying attention to what I was reading but I just read a dozen pages and don't remember what I read, so I have to go back."

Then there is the more rare, "The sink is overflowing, and water s all over the floor, but I just turned the water on not even a second ago, what happened."

 

[shimmerz]

A recent minor example is when watching TV, my husband will make a comment and I will again have not noticed a major element of what happened on TV. Note, that I'm not distracted and as far as I'm aware my full attention is on the TV, eg my eyes are still on the screen but I will not have seen something significant.

I still consistently have problems with my state of consciousness and the tv. TV, it is said, has us flip into a different 'frequency' in the brain. For myself, this frequency leads me directly into dissociation so I avoid it like the plague. I have a problem as well with reading. I guess my thought is that you should be careful gauging dissociative behaviours based on time watching tv.

 

[Go Hungry]

I know that I'm dissociating because of the words and imagery that goes through my head. It's like.. There are always multiple people in me, but at times one may be stronger than another. Over time I've gotten good at figuring out when it's happening and bringing myself out of it through various means. The most effective is a nap, but I've had some occasions when I can just snap out of it.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @Ms Spock, I totally get the string analogy.

With writing things down. Do you mean write down all the times I think I might have? Eg events like the TV example? But if someone doesn't call attention to it, I don't notice.

Eventually you will @ghotiff! It takes a lot of practice to learn to notice when you are there and when you are not there.

So here's my suggestion which may or may not resonate with you.

Have three places to write.

One place where you write down when you notice you are gone. When other people notice that you are gone. Write down what happened before and after and how you noticed and who pointed it out to you. Ask people questions each day and this will give you lots of information about what is going on.

Second place, write down when you are present, write down what you noticed, felt, experienced things and how you turned up and was there. Praise yourself. Notice the ways in which you notice. Really give yourself a lot of credit - hey I was there for two minutes I felt...okay I checked out after that but I was there for a bit. Go Me!

Third place - where you honour the wisdom of the being that you were that meant you dissociated and saved you from going mad from it all. I am not sure if you are Complex Trauma - but to bring in the exiles (the feelings bits, thoughts, wishes, that have been disowned to survive) you need to develop other ways of coping with things and one of these ways) is develop self love, self care and self compassion. (Yeah! You can do it all before lunch time! ;) )

And you need to become your own best friend - and this takes time. You won't stop dissociating until you feel it is safe to be here. So you need to create a safe space within yourself (haven't gotten there yet but I am well on my way!)

So perhaps some radical acceptance about your situation. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

Some non judgemental mindfulness.

Lots of movement and disco helps me - and it is fun as well.

Practice breathing - breathing is so important!

Some trouble shooting of those pesky distorted cognitions(thoughts) David Burns' Feeling Good (and you can watch him on youtube.) Nail those ten distorted cognitions! Pull them apart - share your new found wisdom with the rest of us. :)

Developing new skills so it is safe for you to be in this now - exercise, good eating, practice breathing, tai chi, yoga, disco dancing, a sense of fun, good emotional boundaries, sleep hygiene, creative and emotional outlets, noticing emotional dysregulation and moving towards emotional regulation, having a sense of humour, an attitude of gratitude (gratitude has changed my life), mindfulness,(Has helped so much! I literally am not the person I was in December.) meditation, friendships, community, having a purpose, serving your community.

But you would start very small.
2 minutes grounding.
1 minute meditation
5 minutes exercise
5 minutes stretching

And you might only start off with 5 minutes exercise and add a few minutes every few days or every week, depending on what you can manage.

Look for people who are developing resilience with heartfulness and who keep turning up and doing the stuff, noticing what went well and what didn't and then adjust to suit.

To get to this point of noticing how much you are not here is a big moment in your healing process - so celebrate this achievement, really relish.

I have had PTSD all my life, and it is so sad that until recently I wasn't really here, if you know what I mean. So practicing self compassion is so important as well.

So practice and practice and practice! And rejoice that you are even able to think about practicing and build from there.

 

[Kintsugi]

Dissociation and its accompanying memory problems are for sure my most consistent issue. I like the range of dissociation that @Fadeaway brought up. It's definitely a spectrum.

I also have an excellent memory for academic things. Really, anything I'm passionate about, I can recall with remarkable precision. However, I am apparently not passionate about
-faces
-Special events, particularly birthdays
-My wallet
-The time, unless I am anticipating going to work or to therapy
-Food, until my blood sugar tells me it's completely mandatory
-Incidentally (e.g. unexpectedly) communicating with anyone but my partner, no matter how important that communication is

The list goes on and on. These things fall right out of my head like water through a sieve. I've been fairly forgetful my whole life, and I've been full-blown PTSD forgetful for half my life, so I've learned some adaptions. I set timers and alerts etc. for everything. When I put a pot of water on to boil, I set a timer, so I won't forget and boil it out.

I'd like to add that, to me, this is a medical issue.

 

[Chava]

Tricky question because I think some level of dissociation can feel like "normal" if you've been doing it forever. So I don't have much to add here, but you mentioned time stuff and memory, and what sounds like attentional stuff (I zone out loads of info easily but hammer in on weird things other people don't notice). I don't have so much an issue with memory, but it sounds like that's a clue for you. It seems like once I'm aware of dissociation, I notice it sooner (for me it's fogginess, lots of derealization, and also feeling like I'm not in my body, or like parts of my body are disconnected or not mine...again, this feels "normal" and I can have a pretty good day in this situation! :bored::alien:).

What else do you notice when you've forgotten something...like have you been paying attention to something else or do you have no recollection of the last however many minutes? Are you numb, tense, jumpy? Do you feel like you're in a bubble or somehow disconnected from yourself or your environment? You might notice some somatic clues, or maybe not. For me that helps differentiation forms of dissociation and/or shutdown from feeling just generally distracted (which happens easily).

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Sometimes I can't tell I'm dissociating until someone or something pulls me out of it. The startling rupture lets me know it was dissociation. When I'm alone, the process happens more gradually, so its harder to tell if its dissociation or distraction. And like everyone else here, mine happens on a continuum from distraction and avoidance to full-fledged loss of time and floating on the ceiling as I watch myself below. I have a really hard time naming any of the lower-end stuff as dissociation, but I think that it probably is. Another weird clue for me is how my memory seems to come and go - sometimes it is excellent and other times it isn't.

My therapist has been calling me out on it when I start drifting off - seems like it's at least twenty times in an hour long session, which has me pretty freaked out, to be honest. I'm realizing that this dissociation stuff runs much deeper than I thought.