Do I Need To Go Inpatient??

[leanne1321]

I'm trying to figure out if I need to go into hospital for a while or not and I'm torn. As I'm sure most of you know, about 5 weeks ago, after some repressed memories came out, I went off the rails. I was numb and started hurting myself and fantasizng about slashing my wrists.

Since then, I took in 2 very young kittens and that perked me up, but the novelty is starting to wear off and I feel like I'm starting to lose control again. I've barely eaten in the last few weeks and I'm really starting to feel my physical strength dwindle.I just don't get hungry and forget to eat, but then when I remind myself that I need to, I feel nautious.

Insomnia has gone from bad to worse, I have nightmares every night and then I don't want to wake up the next day. I hate the thought of going outside and keep having panic attacks (they're something new) and I know I'm trying to distance myself from my husband and children.

The images and thoughts of self harm have been with me constantly. My husband has moved all sharp objects out of the way because I can't take my eyes off them, but today, a knife was on the draining board and I just stared at it as images of me bleeding flooded my mind. I shouted at my husband to move it, but the whole thing really scared me, which I suppose is better than the fantasizing. In general, I don't want to hurt myself, but there are times when I really want to and I have to use the grounding techniques.

If I was home in the UK, I'm sure I'd have gone in already, but self harm is taboo in the UAE and I could be deported or even sent to prison if I tried anything. I've spoken with friends out here in the medical field and they have told me that I should be ok to go to hospital if I haven't done anything, however, I should choose my words carefully and not tell them things like I've held a knife to my wrists, as depending on the doctor, they could see that as an attempt. My husband and T both think hospital would make me worse, but I'm starting to question my strength at the moment.

An alternative option would be to go back to the UK to get the worst over, but I'd have to go back on my own. We're going back for 2 weeks in Aug anyway, but I don't want to spend my hols in hospital.

I'm just really confused right now and I have no idea what's the best thing to do and any advice or suggestions would be welcome.

 

[anthony]

I don't honestly know if inpatient is really a solution vs. lots more therapy. Inpatient... they're going to highly medicate you, isolate you from the world and try to get you talking about things. That is the end of the solution for inpatient.

You actually didn't learn anything about how to deal with the next time... other than to come back, repeat the process, load you up on meds to near make you unconscious.

IMHO, start seeing your therapist even daily, 3 times a week even... and put some regularity into that for a brief period to get you through the worst, get you learning techniques to handle your thoughts, and begin dealing with your trauma like a rapid detox.

Inpatient achieves none of the above, except loaded with meds and isolation. You could take a secluded holiday to isolate from the world by yourself... without the meds, learnt nothing still... but relaxed.

Add into the above therapy option, something like a massage every couple of days to relieve the stress from your body, and go for really hammering at your trauma. If you don't learn how to cope with the thoughts, and that they're just thoughts, not actually a threat, then you won't change for the future.

I would look at outpatient programs even... worst case scenario, before inpatient.

 

[leanne1321]

they're going to highly medicate you, isolate you from the world and try to get you talking about things

Apart from the talking, that sounds like just what I need!

After reading this over a few times, I think its more that I want a break. I'm stressed, exhausted and completely overwhelmed by all these emotions and I want to cry all the time, and I try, but so far only a few lonely tears have managed to get free. My triggers are really sensitive and its causing physical pain; headaches and abdominal cramps.

I've been speaking with my T almost daily over the phone for the past few weeks because I have to travel to Dubai which is a 1hr 30mins drive and I see her once a week in person. But I hate talking and I tend to dissociate a lot, so we do a lot via email.

The thing that scares me most is the fact that I'm losing control and I can become a danger. For instance, the first few years after the initial traumas, I felt very much like I do now. Back then, I could flip out and become violent and aggressive very quickly, especially if startled. I've hit people and even had a knife to one guy's throat. This adds to my fear of going out, what if I attack someone? One of my kids triggered an outburst a couple of days, he cuddled me and his hand happened to brush against me where I can't stand to be touched right now and it took a lot of effort to not become defensive.

I guess I'm just tired of fighting and trying to put myself back together and a break would be a welcome relief.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Nyx]

I'm with Anthony on this one - maybe try outpatient before considering inpatient. If you feel you need a break, take it. What's stopping you?

 

[anthony]

If your actively talking with a therapist daily, then you must accept that whilst processing any trauma your symptoms will heighten. There is no such thing as a therapy that makes you feel warm and fuzzy after discussing trauma.

Healing trauma is typically harder than living it in the first place. We live through trauma, bounce back, then try to put it out of our head due to what it is. Then when having to go back and face all those feelings we have avoided for so long, it spikes symptoms into overload... fear is the biggest factor that creates anxiety.

When you process trauma you need to really accept the fact that this will occur... otherwise, you may as well just get your therapist to load you up on meds, knock you out with drugs, and go on in denial thinking it will go away.

Its a choice... either way, you must accept your decision and its repercussions, as all outcomes have repercussions when it comes to trauma. Short term pain for long term gain, IMO, is my choice... but not everyone thinks that way, or when they start to feel the pain of it, change their mind and revert to denial + drugs.

 

[leanne1321]

I do apologize, I've just had a hard week; lots of triggers, anxiety and the thoughts of self harm are scaring the shit out of me.

I've had a long session with my T today and found some of my inner strength. I started therapy 5 months ago and I'd prepared myself mentally for a long time before and I knew what I had to deal with. I knew it was going to be hard and I was ready to fight, but the repressed memory that came to the surface a few weeks ago came as a real shock and I was completely unprepared.

Today, I've decided to take the bull by the horns and this time I won't let go. I have the drive and the focus to get to the end, but sometimes the idea of giving up is very tempting. My husband needs a healthy wife and my babies need a strong mother, so that's what I'm going to give them.

 

[Nyx]

No need to apologize, it's easy to see you were struggling. But I am happy you found the resources to go on:thumbsup:

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

What are the resources like where you live? Obviously services and medical services of any kind are significantly different. Are you fluent in the language most people speak (besides the English of the professionals)? With laws and ethics being different as you mentioned, that is a tough one. I understand the situation has calmed, but it could happen again. Is there are a British or UN hospital that you could go to (even if in Dubai or an even larger distance)? What does the British embassy suggest?

 

[leanne1321]

It's not great for things like that here. Most of the Doctors are Arabic and in genral, quite ignorant to Western culture. Obviously, abuse and such does happen, but society is still very traditional with women having little power (or in the Local culture). Dubai is the most Western influenced (as most expats live there) and theres lots of western hospitals. I haven't been to the British embassy, maybe I should speak to a consulate and explain my situation.

 

[Powder]

I don't trust Emabassy people, nor are they trained for this. I'd prefer to see you extend your holiday and spend time with your kids in the UK with a trusted friend until you are stable enough to go back. In your condition, you should not be living abroad IMHO.

 

[leanne1321]

Hi Muse,

This is something we are considering and giving a lot of thought to. The situation with us living over here is complicated (I don't want to bore you with it) as I work over here, my husband is my boss so he's been quite lenient but I don't think my husband could get the time off too.