Do I tell him about his wife?

[Whirlwind]

Hi folks, I could use some advice as I have been waffling on how to deal with this.

If the husband of a former friend approached you .... and asked why you broke up with his wife.

My reason? I broke up with her because I felt she was very manipulative and she was cheating on him, secret deal going with childhood boyfriend etc. She blew my mind back then because she always acted so "moral". The more I learned the more I wanted to run. I actually wondered back then if she was abusing her husband emotionally. I was just out of my abusive so maybe projecting.

Would you warn him? Is it your place? Is it the right thing to do?

Thanks,

Whirlwind

 

[mumstheword]

Hi folks, I could use some advice as I have been waffling on how to deal with this.

If the husband of a former friend approached you .... and asked why you broke up with his wife.

My reason? I broke up with her because I felt she was very manipulative and she was cheating on him, secret deal going with childhood boyfriend etc. She blew my mind back then because she always acted so "moral". The more I learned the more I wanted to run. I actually wondered back then if she was abusing her husband emotionally. I was just out of my abusive so maybe projecting.

Would you warn him? Is it your place? Is it the right thing to do?

Thanks,

Whirlwind

I think honesty is the best policy. But, you can use your discernment about how much you, actually, divulge.

You can be honest without saying more than makes you feel safe.

You could simply say "i broke up with her because she showed herself to be someone I couldn't trust. Once trust is lost, it's very hard to repair it."

It's up to you, how much you tell him. You are under no obligation to tell him all the gory deets.

 

[Movingforward10]

Tough one.

I had something similar. My best friend was trying to cheat on her wife with a work colleague. It nearly broke my friendship with my bf because I could not understand why she was behaving like that and being so mean to her wife. It also put me in an awful position, as I was also good friends with her wife. I said many times "you tell her or I will." But I didn't. Eventually, after many months, she told the wife and they broke up. I stayed friends with both of them, although it was harder with the (ex) wife because she was so hurt by it all (obviously).

My point is: good people do crappy stuff. I found it incredibly hard not to judge my friend because I expected her to have standards. But equally, we're all human and I certainly have done shitty things in my time (had sex with people in relationships, married or not, and knowing the harm I was causing). So I tried not to judge, but it was tough. My friend messed up. Big time. Massively. She can see that now. And 3 years after they broke up: they now are good friends. They have worked it all through.

Are you friends with the husband?
Why don't you direct him to ask his wife? Why is he asking you? Him asking you is odd in the first place, no?
It is their relationship. Theirs to solve, mess up, communicate about, not communicate about.
Unless you are good friends with him, my instinct is to be vague and ask him questions about why his wife hasn't told him, why is he asking you, what's his motivation about asking?
Because you may not be thanked about telling the truth. Some people don't want to see it.

Whatever you decide: good luck.

 

[scout86]

because I felt she was

I think it would be ok to answer his question, if you want to, but I'd be careful to consider the possibility that you might be wrong about some of it. Not saying you are, just that we're all human and we can misjudge people sometimes. You don't actually owe him an answer, I don't think, so it might be worth considering what the purpose of an answer would be. It also might be worth wondering why he's asking. Is he asking for himself, or for her?

 

[Ronin]

That depends I think on a lot of factors - like your personal boundaries about cheating and tolerance of it, how you view what sort of incomplete / withheld information and what take on truth or perception of it, what are the relationships with involved people & consequences of telling / not telling, and which consequences one wants to live with after...

So while not saying what I would do in your shoes, in my own, with similar scenario?

I would absolutely tell him deep trust issues and character ones were involved. That I'm not willing to put up with, hence the relationship cease.

But the extent on to which to tell, is yours.

Personally? I would tell. As while polyamorous, cheating, I have zero tolerance for. Nor am I willing to be a partner cheated with.

But not in a way to break his heart.
If there even IS such a way - with news like these.

I don't need to be breaking hearts, stomp in it, and yet carve a knife in them with awful depths of it all.

 

[Whirlwind]

what's his motivation about asking?

so it might be worth considering what the purpose of an answer would be.

He is asking because they made big fun $$ life changes. Her idea for most of it.

She left him and filed for divorce. He is confused, they built a home, he retired this was supposed to be a great time in their lives.

I ended our friendship after what should have been a fun vacation. I joined her and her family whom I had never met. With them it was like she dropped her filter. That was when I found out she is trying to break up another marriage so she can have the husband, he has no $ so she wants as much as she can get from her marriage to support the guy and the "lifestyle she has become accustomed to". Some of her family is helping her.

When I tried to "talk her down" she got nasty. Not just one day in a fit of anger. It turned into daily insults in front of her family...she actually yelled at me at one point for laughing with her sister ..... saying that I sounded obnoxious and to stop taking advantage of her sister's politeness. That was when I decided to leave.

She has never spoken to me like this before. When I packed to leave and she said she wouldn't apologize, we are "sisters" and this is a fight, I am naive and need to get down from my pedestal.

I removed her from my life and have contemplated how I married an abusive man and invited a friendship like hers. We were apart for many years because of my situation so I obviously missed red flags.

Personally? I would tell. As while polyamorous, cheating, I have zero tolerance for. Nor am I willing to be a partner cheated with.

Same.

He was successful and they were the couple that donated, helped community, etc. I do not want to get involved but I feel bad for him. I guess if I had to convey anything to him it would be to watch his back.

Thank you,

Whirlwind

 

[Ronin]

You're not responsible for having missed the red flags nor any of her abuse, of him, you, or others, Whirlwind.

That is on her and her mess to clean up.

And I think steer him in the direction of being more watchful around her might be sufficient warning - especially given she was already fairly hostile toward you, personally.

You don't have to open yourself up as a target for more of her abuse out of respect and care and friendship for him.

Your safety and well being comes first, here.

 

[Movingforward10]

If he divorced her, he's got a likely idea about everything.
Sounds a messy situation, which you got yourself out of
Personally, I'd steer clear from all of it. Their relationship is over and if she cheated on him, what's the point of getting involved? Sounds like drama that you don't need.

 

[Whirlwind]

If he divorced her, he's got a likely idea about everything.

She dumped him. He doesn't know what is going on. I know she had plans to make him lose the house etc. I don't intend to get into those details.

You don't have to open yourself up as a target for more of her abuse out of respect and care and friendship for him.

Good point and part of my struggle.

Some people knew about my ex and they didn't tell me. I asked something important early on but they lied and covered for him. Later they did tell me but it was too late.

They were not responsible for his actions and I forgive them but had they been honest with me? Did the uncomfortable thing?

I would have spared me tremendous pain, years of confusion.

 

[Movingforward10]

She dumped him. He doesn't know what is going on. I know she had plans to make him lose the house etc. I don't intend to get into those details.

He really needs to ask her? It sounds (to me) he is bringing you into their messy end of a relationship (out of, I'm sure, broken heartedness, sadness and the lonely desperation that comes from it), rather than a curiosity about your friendship with his ex.

Some people knew about my ex and they didn't tell me. I asked something important early on but they lied and covered for him. Later they did tell me but it was too late.

They were not responsible for his actions and I forgive them but had they been honest with me? Did the uncomfortable thing?

I would have spared me tremendous pain, years of confusion.

From what you write, your situation with your ex sounds different to this situation?

You sound a compassionate person and someone who wants to do the right thing.
It also sounds a very messy toxic end to their relationship, which if it was me: I'd walk away from entirely.

 

[Friday]

I ended our friendship after what should have been a fun vacation

I had this big long thing written out based off of your first post, which is essentially my formula for these types of situations in general... but this follow-up post makes it easy.

‘When I was on vacation with her & her family I learned some things about her that meant I couldn’t trust her, & I can’t be friends with someone I don’t trust.’

 

[Whirlwind]

Well, life is not uninteresting. Thank you all for your help. I didn't need to use it but it helped me, also to recognize my "why".

We spoke. His initial messages/comments to me caused me to assume he wanted to talk about his now ex and what happened.

Assumption: Wrong, LOL

He has been single for some time now. Not a a happy ending for them but he accepts it. He said it was a long time coming. He does not want to badmouth her as we were friends nor put me in that position. He apologized for leading me to think that, he didn't know if we had become friends again and if so he didn't want to create an uncomfortable situation for any of us. And he was nervous.

What he wanted - was to talk to "ME".

We were friends. He has a very optimistic outlook despite everything, he is looking at life opening up for him. It made me very happy to hear. And we launched into a long discussion about everything under the sun just like the old days.

I am relieved and happy.

Whirlwind