staying by myself, for me, is a sign of distrust in others and avoidance of the pain that is involved in risking trusting someone.
I never really thought of it like that, but reflecting on it I don't really trust anyone these days. I trust my girlfriend as much as I can, and a whole lot more than anyone else, but after being left to handle things alone it is harder.
I do believe her when she tells me she had no negative intentions, but she put some serious cracks in that trust a couple months ago and I am recognizing the damage now. She has a really spiritual guy friend she turned to for advice since before she met me, and I never had any problems with her turning to him for advice or as a friend when we fought.
At one point though she got quite unconnected to me but would chat with him for great lengths, so I mentioned it because I felt like it was a situation that should be worked on before it got worse. She assumed I was jealous and had been evesdropping, so she apologized for them sending hearts to each other (which I didn't even know was happening). It did make me extremely uncomfortable though, but I did my codependent duty and sucked up the negative feelings and just said it was fine. I was probably overreacting anyways, so I just had to deal with it. She insisted that it wasn't fine and that she promised she would stop. I took her word on it.
Well, months later we are still getting by together, but she has told me that our relationship is causing her a lot of inner chaos. She had always wanted to go to a spiritual temple down in the US and upon getting together it had become a shared dream. We talked about it and looked forward to it for years, but she made the decision that the presence of our relationship there would just get in the way of her growth so I am no longer welcome. It is just a trip she will have to take herself.
I was crushed but again, whatever she needs is what is right.
Then, a couple months later, she left her facebook open while visiting at my house. She forgets things open all the time, I just close them when I notice. Well, a message comes in on facebook chat and I assumed it was me still logged in. I click on the window and in the corner that same guy had sent her a heart. I feel like an a$$ but after being told (a few times since she initially promised) they weren't sending hearts to each other, I had to see what was going on between them. She checks up on me regularly (I am about 90% sure she secretly reads all my posts here too), so in my mind I was just confirming to myself that everything was fine.
Well, one memorable quote was how much she appreciated him because he is the only guy to have ever helped her, despite people being "always there for me" (her quotation). On an almost daily basis I tell her "I am always there for you", so she was quoting me in her compliment. She had also taken roughly a week of not sending hearts back to his before resuming it (and telling me otherwise). As that guy works at the spiritual vacation spot occasionally, she also had timed her trip to line up with him being there (and postponed it last minute when his plans changed last minute). I had asked her if that guy was going to be down there when she went and she had told me "of course not". They also had also expressed the desire to meet up while she was at the treatment facility. To test the waters, when she was upset and telling me nobody would come visit I mentioned she should see that guy as he gives her spiritual support. She scoffed and said she hasn't talked to the guy in ages.
I wound up calling her out on the situation, and she deleted him from facebook to prove she had no negative intentions and that I was just being an overreactive/jealous boyfriend. The topic came up just yesterday and she just gets sad because I cost her a best friend for no reason at all. And that my suspicions and fears are baseless/irrelevant jealousy. She even claimed she sends every guy hearts (which 1- isn't true because I double checked that claim when I was on her account, and 2- if she did that still makes me extremely uncomfortable but I would never say so). She is now reluctant to even mention she has male friends to me at all, and has started trying to keep anything to do with them to herself... and secrecy and deceit are probably not the best way to repair damaged trust. Any time she mentions a guy other than me now she asks me not to be jealous as if I am completely irrational. I never asked for her to cut him off, and even said that she can keep talking to him. She insists that, with having deleted him from facebook, he is out of her life and for my benefit it will stay that way. Now I just suspect she is talking to him via other means, but I can cope with it if she is. If she needs him in her life then I have no right to say otherwise. I feel like a total jerk for ending that friendship even if I didn't mean to.
Am I just being a jealous a$$? I have been cheated on and ditched by every girlfriend I have had, so maybe its all just paranoia, or do you think I had a right to be concerned?
