Poll Does Your Family Neglect You Emotionally?

[Changing4Best]

Medic, No need to apologise, certainly not to me at all. Emotions have their place, but sometimes if you are the stoic one, the one that is always relied upon for emotional support, you need to have your support system too, just not from those you support.

Who do you have that you can turn to for support? I have a friend 12 miles from here. I have another one, an email buddy, who I converse with daily. I have one here on this Forum too. But I do find that those whom I give support to, are not generally the same ones I get support from.

And then too, there is one's therapist. Also, if one goes to a therapy group, like I do as well. Emotions belong in these settings more properly, as they don't upset your therapist, she knows how to stay safe from that, she learned that in school. And in group, emotions are expected. It's OK there.

I think with family, now that I look closely at it, emotions have a chance to run rampant too easily and get out of hand. Old emotional sores get ripped open at the seams, and things can get too hot. Then family backs away, because it is too much for them and they have their own families to deal with now. If someone in my family starts saying something like NO DRAMA! or QUIET DOWN! then I know it is not the time or place for it. My family just cannot deal with it, tears included. I cried to one of them the other day and it backfired on me like that. So I know now, don't cry to that one or really any of my family. For whatever reason, they cannot handle it.

 

[NarcSis]

I hear you Sheila, my brothers and sister look at me with fear and they get obviously uncomfortable if I cry in front of them - except at funerals, that's the only setting where I'll ever get hugs from them.

I have no people in my life except my husband and my sister - my husband and I can talk about anything, my sister is a bit domineering, so I hide a lot from her. I think people in here know more about my level of functioning than she does - it's really sad because I used to think we could talk about anything.

My 'friends' are now virtual, one I only see maybe once or twice a year but I keep in touch through FB or email with them. Our connections are acquaintance-like except when their lives hit a bump and emotional emails or text messages fill my phone. I'm a sucker, I fall for it everytime.

I reach out only when my supporter shows signs of fatigue (irritability and isolating) and I'm having a particularly difficult time dealing on my own. I always end up feeling like an emotional sponge trying to suck the life out of them. I know I'm not though.

I'll spend a lot of time in here during those really rough patches because it helps but just once in a while I'd like to talk to a real person. I've signed up for a local emergency services support group, hopefully it helps.

Thanks Sheila.

 

[Changing4Best]

Medic, My sister used to call me religiously every Tuesday night. Then I started to attend a Bible Study on that night, so I asked her to call me on another night that was convenient for her. I think we worked out that would be Thursday nights. She never called. She had excuses like that she forgot, etc. Since she's not religious, I thought maybe she was insulted that I would find it more important to go to a religious function on her night or something, I don't know.

Her daughter says that her mother never calls her either. So, I guess my sister is just not up to functioning well enough to remember to make calls to family anymore; she has depression and seasonal disorder, so I can understand, although my ailments are different, I believe we both suffer most likely from similar abuse from the same abuser, our father's father. (I refuse to claim him as 'my' grandfather). Whereas I finally recalled it, she never has, otherwise she'd have been diagnosed PTSD too. She shows signs of it, so who knows, without her knowledge, she may have been at least suspected of having it too.

The bottom line is that I need to forgive her for her lack of showing me support. In reality, it looks like even though I am the younger, I need to take responsibility and gladly call her and love her, because she needs it, not because I do, even though I do. It is a new idea to me, one that just occurred to me now. She's not up to giving, so I need to be the one to comfort and support her (even if she never does so to me ever again)!

 

[calijean]

I seldom feel emotionally neglected. Only a year into my ptsd I have quickly realized that its so foreign to my children and husband, they have always known me as the backbone and peace keeper. Luckily, my children are grown and slowly are trying to understand, but I feel very disconnected from them, I don't know if its me pulling away or them or both. It hurts. Unfortunately, I am the one with the outbursts and fall apart daily. They are scared and confused I know. I am too. Sorry if this is jumbled I just can't seem to find structure in my thoughts. Jokingly I've been given the name "Yoda". :)

 

[Changing4Best]

Calijean, I love your nickname! Stress in general seems to make it really tough to keep one's thoughts focused and unjumbled. You may have to explain that a bit to the folks effected most by your state these days. Let them know you don't want to be this way too, as sometimes the obvious is not so obvious when others get stressed by our reactions. They may view this as something you are doing to them, whereas you probably are just feeling what you are feeling and are having one heck of a time trying to be controlling at all of it!

Be sure to check out the Continuation of the Emotional Regulation Chat thread in DISCUSSION as I think you may find it helpful.

 

[Britt.f7]

I said no, because my children and my husband do not. However, some of my other relatives do. I don't really blame them, everyone has their limits and I have to realize that. They just are not, for the most part, people I reach out to. My sister is iffy. Sometimes she is really good and supportive. Sometimes it feels like she slaps me in the face. It's knowing which one it is going to be that is difficult. I have an aunt who totally ignores it all. The last time I spoke with her was on my birthday in July. I've sent her emails, cards, flowers, but I never hear from her. Hard because she was my favorite aunt growing up. She was also my mom's closest sister.

I can't bring myself to call her, I think, in part to knowing she can't reciprocate. In another, because she sounds and reminds me of my mom. I always worry that she thinks I'm the "crazy" one because I refuse to just ignore the past.

 

[Changing4Best]

Britt, My aunt and I found one another when my mother had passed away. I took my mom's place a bit for her and she took my mom's place a bit for me, trying to fill the huge gap my mother had left in both of our lives. Then a year or two later, my aunt died. I've grieved more for both of them since she died than for my mom when my aunt was still alive, as she was a pretty good fill-in for my mom, though a totally different person. Still, we spoke for about the same amounts of time and at the same times as my mom and I had spoken, so it was the best fit possible considering.

One another thought though, each of us would have preferred to have had my mom back in our lives instead, 100fold! Hands down.

Now since they are both gone, I've unfairly expected my sister to step up into my life to replace them. I only realized recently that this is beyond the scope of my sister's ability and sadly will never happen. I can't be there for my sister either, she just won't have me. As well, she was never close to my mom or my aunt, she was daddy's fav whereas I was mom's fav. So there is no connection, for lack of better wording, if you get my meaning.

None the less, I know if there is to be any improvement in my sister's and my relationship, the work involved to achieve this will have to come from me.

 

[Anna]

Medic, I also have a friend who used to email me back all the time. Then they stopped doing it. I saw them and they told me bluntly that they just could not be bothered to answer the email. I sent them another recently, again no reply which is out of character for them. I am expecting when I next see them to get the same they could not be bothered excuse. They do suffer from depression, so I am putting it down to that.

Quite a lot of people I know who do not respond by email have issues of their own going on. In the end I stop emailing them or just wait for them to approach me. Sometimes if it is a close friend I will ask them if they are ok, but I do not email them back. I try to discuss it face to face as the internet is not very personal and it misses the tones of voice, facial expressions etc... that are so integral to a conversation.

 

[Changing4Best]

My best friend and I, when we first realized we were best friends, used to email a lot each day, then she started only emailing me once per day. I complained that she was not emailing me so much and asked what was up, like was she mad at me or something. She said no, but that her boyfriend's roomate, whose computer she uses, only lets her use it for just a bit of time each day. Meanwhile, on facebook, I kept getting all these game invitations from her, like 10-15 of them a day! WHich meant to me that she had plenty of computer time and just didn't want to bother with emails to me. Then it occurred to me that it is much easier to play games than it is to write. For all I know, she does not write/ type very fast at all, so maybe writing is a torture for her.

She called me when she did not get any emails from me for awhile. She's all excited that I am coming to visit her next month, she likes seeing me in person too, so I guess we just are not email buddies, and I need to accept that. I'm not much of a phone person; phones ringing drive me crazy, especially if I am napping. There is really only one person I truely enjoy talking to on the phone and that is my prayer partner who lives several states away. She calls me at a specific time each day, so I make sure I am up then, ready to receive her call and since I expect the call, the phone ringing is a joy then, not an alarm!

I have no choice but to phone family, as they refuse to visit me nor make any arrangements for me to visit them. So, phone or nothing is it. My sister emails me something like one sentence for every page long email I write to her, supposedly she has too little time...

 

[Invisible-Guy]

I don't even want to go there with family support anymore. It's like pullling a switch, you never know how they will respond. Contradictions just make me feel more awkward, so If I do answer the phone, i keep it superficial and quick. I'd rather talk with my counselor or psychologist than my family (most of the time) I've been pretty mean at times, too. I overreact pretty easy and I'm just now learning how to regulate thing. This sucks, but taking up smoking helped LOL!

 

[Britt.f7]

I voted no, but I was just realizing that my aunt stopped contact with me after I told her I had been suicidal and had sought treatment. I told her it was no one's fault, but that I just wanted her to know. Apparently that was a bad idea.

 

[Invisible-Guy]

Hi Britt.f7 Yeah, I learned that most family members bite me in the tailside if that word is ever mentioned. Either the eyes begin to roll because they think i want attention, or I get some generic rational why I should not hurt myself. I think it's too much for family to handle (with very few exceptions) so I keep that list really small.