Relationship Don't Want To Be Blind, So I Am Drawn To The Blunt Talk Here

[Magdalene]

Met a man online three and a half years ago in a game. After about a month, we began a personal on-line relationship that did result in us meeting. He is still in the military and is currently transferred overseas.

For myself, before him, I have a history that is suspect, I guess. My dad was in the Navy and so frequently gone until i was around 9 and my mother was physically and emotionally abusive to the point where she really wanted to annihilate any individuality i possessed. This is still the case and I've worked hard the last three years, including with help from 'my man,' to establish boundaries for protecting myself and my kids. My "love relationships" history is 4 years with a physically abusive boy, a twenty five year marriage to a controlling and sexually and emotionally abusive man. This man with PTSD is my second relationship post marriage - the first one being a disaster.

The problem in the current relationship is that when we have a really close, intimate, wonderful time, he just might flee. It's happened four times. First three times, he would be angry and tell me I was the reason he had to leave. Angry for things he would make up - and I would say "Who are you fighting with because it surely isn't me." After a couple of days to several weeks, he would show up again, saying variations of "I just can't stay away from you."

The fourth time, he struggled so hard it seemed, beginning by telling me it was me, moving to 'i just can't have a relationship' to finally 'i will always be here for you if you ever need anything, but i just can't communicate with you right now. you deserve better than i can ever give you.'

And, he stopped talking but would sign into our private chat room and just sit there not talking whenever I would write and say - give me some indication that you are still here for me, let me know if the problem is us or PTSD. He would flick the chat light when I'd ask a question but not answer verbally.

And then, suddenly, when I wrote a note saying 'i wish you could talk to me directly instead of putting on your running shoes' and that 'i am beginning to understand how the intensity of my expressions of my love for you make things difficult for you,' he wrote back and asked if we could proceed without 'going overboard.'

Now, I know that that expression is intentionally vague (he is an amazing writer) so he can have an escape clause, I guess.

My counselor (I've been in therapy for 4 years now for 'adjustment disorder', although 'my man' wonders if i don't have ptsd, too) was very skeptical of an on-line relationship, but then came to see that we are intimate in every way, and share our feelings deeply and are there for each other within the limits of our situation. However, when 'my man' bolted again the fourth time, she said - this is abusive. you must stop.

I don't see him as abusive. When he is around he is very very good to me, and a more amazing and gentle and smart and funny man, I have never met. My life is very full with friends and school and children and so when he disappears, I hurt but am not lost.

So, he's back and talking sweetly but kinda like delaying -" i'm back but i'm busy, so busy. we'll talk more later (he is in a line of military work where he's away from home base for weeks and months on end, sometimes sent with little notice.)"

Is this the same kind of thing you wise ones means when you say - you are not really in a relationship and he doesn't really want to be with you - or is this part of the possible struggle of loving someone with PTSD?

If this is part of the struggle, how do I make it safer for him or can I? I don't want to start censoring myself so that i don't 'go overboard' because the ability to be honest with this man is one of the things i treasure most about our relationship. When he got back in touch and then didn't write for several days, I wrote him a short note saying "Man Underboard!" and he wrote back that day. On the other hand, i know somehow i am triggering him sometimes.

What seemed to do it the last time was after we got together, I wrote a note I thought was innocuous saying, "it's so hard to wait to see you again,' and he said - what will you do this fall (when i have to go away a long time)? And then decided he'd decided for me...

Thanks for reading. Thanks for sharing. Good wishes for all.
Magdalene

 

[Christy]

Are you sure this man is not married and hiding it? If you are sure then:

Okay. I can only speak for myself but here goes. When my PTSD goes symptomatic, it causes me to feel irritated, angry, irrational, anxious, victimized, aggressive, guilty, self-loathing, afraid and a lack of self-control. PTSD has an amorphous quality and the symptoms look and feel as they would as if something bad were happening now, in real time. The last thing I want to do is talk about my feelings. Or yours. I can't get intimate during those times either. The only thing I want is peace. At those times I cannot take care of another's needs unless it is an emergency. Nobody can make me safe.

In order to keep you safe from me I might not pick up the phone when you call. I may make myself scarce. I may stiffen when you try to touch me. I may even tell you you would be better off without me or I may not talk at all for fear of what I might say and go mute. I will not tell you that I am PTSDing. I will not tell you what you can do to help me. I am too vulnerable to disclose anything personal. When we have a good time and are getting really close, I will feel this is too good to last, and blow it up before it has a chance to blow up on it's own or you blow it up, and it crushes me. This is what I am achieving when I put distance between us. I sometimes live in "what if" land, imagine the worst case scenario and act to prevent it.

Maggie, I can't tell you what your man is feeling. No case of PTSD is the same. You sound like a lovely caring person. All the best. Chris

 

[Magdalene]

Chris, Thank you. What you shared is very helpful because it's really what I intuit - without language - is going on with him. You are a very expressive writer and perhaps put those things into words, which is so more helpful than feelings.

Anyone can be hiding anything, I guess. All I can go with on the is he married thing is that he and i have walked openly and publicly through his hometown and met and greeted people he knows on the street.

All the best to you :)

 

[Magdalene]

Oh, and Chris, I realize this would just be specific to you, but although you would not share that it is PTSDing, what is your reaction to your partner saying "is it?" Is it helpful for me to be patient and loving or is it actually unappreciated?

 

[Christy]

Oh, and Chris, I realize this would just be specific to you, but although you would not share that it is PTSDing, what is your reaction to your partner saying "is it?" Is it helpful for me to be patient and loving or is it actually unappreciated?

Oh dear. When you ask me if I'm PSTDing and I am, then I'll have to answer you in one of the many styles of my PTSD. Here are a few ways I might answer you: Yes=yep, PTSDing. No answer, blank stare=yep. Glaring=yep. Yelling irrationally=yep. Crying=yep. Banging things around=yep. Going back to bed=yep. Wake and bake=yep. Impossible cynicism=yep. Argumentative=yep. Trembling=yep.

I warn important people who live with me about my PTSD before they experience it and when I'm feeling calm and can discuss it. It is so important to me that I don't hurt anybody during these "outbreaks". Patient and loving? Yes, absolutely. Discussing it when I'm "in it" is a big no.

Boy is this guy lucky to have you.