Drawn To/ Hoping For The Thing We Fear?

[Quaking]

Hi - I had a diagnosis on c-PTSD years ago, was doing pretty well up until we had a couple of big & damaging earthquakes over the past 6 mths, along with a extraordinary number of aftershocks. I read tons about PTSD over the years, and also remember (in recent years) being v drawn to a terrifying relationship scenario to the
Point I couldn't tell what was fear and what was excitement. It was v confusing, but I recall afterwards reading stuff that made it make sense. Now I feel like that about the aftershocks - on the one hand I dread them and am in a constant state of hypervigilance and anxiety, on the other hand, I almost miss them when things are quiet. But I know I don't really want them. It sort of feels like a victim wanting to be beaten again, to get things over with. But also kind of addictive? Please help me make sense of this, I am feeling kind of crazy, but I know there is prob a logical explanation.

 

[Lionheart]

It sort of feels like a victim wanting to be beaten again, to get things over with. But also kind of addictive?

What you are describing sounds like repetition compulsion.
Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again. ...
We do this for many reasons, a desire to have sense of control over the trauma, trying to understand the trauma, even out of a sense of guilt etc. It can also be an adrenaline addiction of sorts.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hey Quaking - I don't have answers to your questions, but I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. And also to say that I don't think you are crazy. :)

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't think you're crazy. Lionheart actually gave me some deeper insight on this in his above response. I have experienced this too. I've pretty much chucked out of my life most self-destructive interpersonal behaviors when it comes to real danger, though I think I still need to work on not finding aggressive/dominant people/personalities to surround myself with, because it just encourages me to keep submitting and being passive with an unquestioning sense of loyalty to people who maybe aren't so good for me. I am also c-PTSD.

You're not alone.