Dread Before Meeting With Ex

[Casey_03]

As some of you may know from my earlier posts, I have taken the initiative to try to keep things civil with my ex-boyfriend (because we run in the same circles). We met once a few weeks ago after several months of having no contact. I am due to meet with him tomorrow to say goodbye before I leave for a new job, but have been struck down with such dread. Looking back, I realize I always felt that sort of dread with him, almost as if I'm afraid of him. Even when things were going well in our relationship, I felt a strange fear of him. It's always struck me as very strange, because he's not threatening and certainly not violent; he's an intellectual and not physically imposing at all. I love him deeply and yet am terrified of him at the same time. I am wondering if this fear I feel stems from a profound knowledge of how much power he holds over me? I've never experienced this feeling with any other partners, so I'm intrigued by it and doing some self analysis. Has anyone else ever had this feeling? It's so strong that whenever we do make plans to meet, I end up wanting to cancel our plans or to run away from him. I can't tell if it's just an attempt to protect myself emotionally or what. Any thoughts or feedback would be appreciated.

 

[Anarchy]

I've had this, and I don't know the answer.

You have had a lot of stress (both good and bad) going on in your life for the time you've been coming here. It's not surprising if your stress cup is overflowing and you are seeking some retreat/isolation time.

PTSD certainly gives us an unfeasibly large number of false alarms, usually followed by an amygdala carjacking with our inner lizard jumping into the driving seat and driving us around...

Sometimes though, part of is is picking up on something that we haven't consciously recognized yet. Unfortunately ruminating and over thinking it or making all sorts of plans and scenarios for what might happen, doesn't help and certainly doesn't make things any clearer.

One of the things that I only realized a few weeks ago (despite wasting years ruminating over it at the time) is the first person I fell in love with in my teens, was being narcissistic with me and revelling in trying to appear cultured and far travelled, and that I should feel in awe when in their presence...

Be gentle with yourself.