Drinking Alcohol

[Sammyiam]

Hi Solara,

I know the problems of living with an alcoholic, my husband had a drinking problem for 25 years of our marriage, it brought so much of my past back as he was an alcoholic, and i can remember the alcohol on his breath when I was a little child, I had on idea how it had impacted our life until he stopped 3 years ago when one of his family members died of liver cancer, that was enough to bring it home for him, and he was amazing and said I'm stopping and from that day hasn't had another drink, he just went cold turkey, and every day I say to myself .... Thank you silently to my self. Sadly our son has got the gene in him and he drinks heavily too, as his dad and his dad and his dad as it goes, I carn't say a lot as I have never drunk at all, ( twice as a teenager when felt to embarrassed to say I didn't drink ) but I do try and just nudge a little and offen when I can, but I get very sadden when I see him drinking especially in front of his 1 year old son, as if he is not carefull he will do the same.

For your mother to tell you it had no Impact on you is the biggest load of cr*p I have ever heard, you are a lot of what you see and been brought up with, I cannot understand some of the things that come out of mothers mouths sometimes.

When you said :
you either follow the same path of destruction that you grew up with, or it disgusts you to the point where you turn a 180 and won't engage in it at all.

That is one of the truest things I think there is as my abuser was an alcoholic, I cannot even stand the smell I vomit if I smell any alcohol, I used to make him tea and coffee and I have never tasted tea or coffee to this day it just disgusts me.

I think you are a very amazing person solara, and don't let someone like that pull you down, you are better than that
And better than your mother too !
Take care

 

[Springer80]

Also confused a bit, as most of the time when someone exits my life for whatever reason, I go into an episode of sorts that is related to my abandonment issues....it doesn't matter who decided to end things when it comes to this trigger.

HHhhmmmm, this sounds familiar. My T recently said to me, 'do you think all rejection is connected to your past?' Well it is in a way because I'm still trying to fix that rejection, so any rejection in the present is a continuation and takes me right back to that place.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would examine is it really about abandonment/rejection or is it about the fact that an moderate to severe drinking didn't value the relationship enough to work it through?

 

[The Albatross]

Whoops, I'm hating auto correct. That should be ".... or is it about the fact that a moderate to severe drinker didn't value the relationship enough to work it through." Sorry.

 

[Go Hungry]

Good for you. (I've had to cut out alot of my original post because I began lamenting my own state) You absolutely did the right thing in getting away from this guy, no matter how it hurts. Trust me when I say that he won't stop. He really won't, until he loses enough that he sees what he's doing to himself. And it's pretty clear that booze was more important to him than you were, so screw that guy!

And don't feel guilty; at some point in life, everyone has to make terrible choices in order to survive. You made the right one. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so very proud of you. My mother was always an alcoholic and I have gone to quite a few twelve step groups for help in dealing with the effects it has on my life.

I consider the heavy drinking a deal breaker and you did all of the right things.

I wish you the best in sorting all of the emotions out and being able to stand your ground.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you all for your kind replies. I have read through them all and am letting it all sink in. I will come back later to address the individual questions and such. (Its a lot to deal with right now, as I still am confused about how I am feeling!)

He texted me a few times. One said something to the effect of how could I say all these wonderful things to him but then decide to end it all. I think that he is under the assumption that love should be enough to get us through it all (it isn't) and that his drinking a few beers here and there (ha) isn't a big deal (it is).

I know he is deep in the trenches of it all. Yes, he is in the process of hitting rock bottom, as in literally losing everything. (dog died, fired from job, gonna lose the house cuz he has no job, totaled his car....who knows if that was alcohol related as it happened in the middle of the day, and now custody issues with his ex.) I used to be on his side but now I'm not so sure. Maybe he should lose any sort of custody for now or have just supervised visitation. I'm not in support of kids losing their father, but if that father is drinking all the time, its not in the best interest of the kids to be around him.

I keep thinking of more and more statements that he has made that in and of themselves I was able to take at face value, but now I realize they were shades of the truth so that he didn't have to admit about the drinking issue.

I'll be back later to answer replies, still just trying to let this all sink in and I'm working on self-care as well. Thank you all, I truly do appreciate your support.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I called him to confront him. Of course it didn't go as planned.

A lot of denial, a lot of throwing the blame my way. He told me that most people drink, and most people don't have a problem with alcohol. I raised my voice and said "Don't you DARE throw this back on me!" I told him I was done. Last thing I said to him was that it is sad that he is putting alcohol in front of the people who love him.

As bad as things are, I don't think he is hitting rock bottom. His mom is much worse off, lost her husband, her house, etc and her drinking is only getting worse....yet she hasn't hit her rock bottom yet. I can only pray that he hits rock bottom, it isn't in the distant future, and when he does, it doesn't kill him yet lets him see that he needs to change.

I was mad when I first got off the phone, but now I'm still just a whole lot of sad. Sad, Sad, Sad.

 

[Springer80]

You can't really argue with someone who has a blind spot so vital to their own functioning. But you ALREADY KNOW that. Do you think that you don't believe you deserve better? I know you are making progress because you've defended you position and said you didn't feel guilty, but do you think in some way you can't act on what you actually need?

I'm sorry you feel sad. This is tough stuff. Look after yourself and don't beat yourself up.

 

[nursenurse]

And there his true colours shine through. I am sad that you are sad, but you made the best decision you could. Time and all th pat answers apply, but it sucks anyway :(

 

[shimmerz]

An alcoholic loses everything - time will be his enemy. We, on the other side are working towards a better life and looking hard inwards. Sorry, I personally would rather be one of us. Please be sad for him, if sad is what you must be, but don't let it take you away from where YOU are going - and that is forward. Towards a better life. Don't take it personally - alcohol always wins with an alcoholic. A choice, a disease, it doesn't matter what you call it. Alcoholism leads to disaster if one refuses to see it.

 

[Chava]

Don't wait for his bottom...many alcoholics only find it via death or insanity, sadly. It's amazing where that "bottom" can be (I landed in the ER plenty of times thinking I had hit my bottom...nope, but it scared me for a few days). So double sad...losing a relationship and watching someone seemingly toss their life away. Addiction sure sucks. Say a prayer for him, if that helps, and let him go. I know you are feeling sad, but you sound very strong...hang in there...