Supporter Educating Myself, Supporter

[Jolly roger]

I gather correct etiquette requires me to introduce myself to the community. I'm trying to understand a woman I love but has been diagnosed with PTSD which was triggered by the deat of her son at two years old. I was unable to sign on becuase of conflicts with my browser for a couple of weeks but the reading has been intensely helpful in recognizing common themes that supporters and sufferers may go through and in helping me interact with my sufferer.

My story, not to dissimilar from others. Had a 24 year marriage which ended when I discovered an ongoing affair for at least three years. Dated several people, nothing serious, for about a year when I met (we will call her) Angie. We started joking around in the smoking area, led to emails, led to walking her to her car, led to kissing in her car, led to dates. She was involved with someone but indicated she was trying to leave him. I gave it some time but eventually said she needed to either move out or let me go. She moved out.

At this point neither of us had heard of PTSD, however, she recognized that she had emotional issues which was one of the reasons she stayed in the relationship she was in. I must say he didn't appear to be a bad guy and I believes he loves her as well as I do. However, while there were many things about him which made her feel secure but didn't meet her needs otherwise. Among these was that he was not emotional or particularly intimate which gave her a secure environment where he didn't try to penetrate on an intimate level, the way that I do.

To make a long story short we were living together for about 5 months when I found out she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend. She has had a form of dependency on him and couldn't seem to let go. We ended up in a love triangel for about the next nine months. Hurting everone involved.

So two months ago, she finally leaves him. We are dating for about six weeks and she up and tells me she isn't in love with me and has decided not to see me romantically but values the bond beteween us on a spiritual and emotional level. In some ways she becomes focused on the person who supports her emotionally and has a great fear of loosing them, although she ends up pusing them away. She has promissed me that this isn't about going back to her ex again and I believe that is true. At the same time her therapist has recommended limited contact with me to allow her to focus on her own issues,which I agree with and am tring to support. We agreed to a 90 day separation from dating but I send her one text every day that simply counts down the days and says I love you. We talk only when she calls, usually afte her therapy sessions about weekly.

Sorry its taken so much to bring you up to speed but it is about two years worth of data. Here is where I am at and hope I have my head either on straight or at least at les than a 90 degree angle.

1) It looks like I need to take this time to really consider whehter I am both willing and able to be in a PTSD relationship. Knowing issues with the push pull dynamic that come along with it, as well as many others.

2) I need to determine what is PTSD and what is S.H.I.T. She had at one time been trying to hold on to both me and the ex and with that came allof of lying and cheating. I need to figure out my deal breakers but that is fist on my list for the moment.

So at any rate, in the mean time I will be as supportive as I can of her therapy and try not to place many if any expectations on her. I do love her enough that I want to see her improve whether or not we end up dating again. Reading your posts has been great education and it always help to know other people have similar experiences. That's me.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

Hi!! I have PTSD and it can be very difficult to be with me!! Lol. It takes dedication on your part, only in her weak moments!! The rest should be on her. She needs to learn what is PTSD or anxiety so she can desipher reality. But codependency is a POISON. Needing constant validation or fear soothed should animatedly be AVOIDED. We all have our days, but your relationship shouldn't be based on that. All of this said, she should care enough about you to be honest with you. Fear aside. I hope this helps. Good luck!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I need to determine what is PTSD and what is S.H.I.T. She had at one time been trying to hold on to both me and the ex and with that came allof of lying and cheating. I need to figure out my deal breakers but that is fist on my list for the moment.

Most of what you describe is PURE bullshit and has nothing to do with actual PTSD. That is, PTSD doesn't make us into bed-hopping, co-dependent cheaters. These are actually character flaws that are inherent in HER.

PTSD symptoms that we can't control are more along the lines of reactions due to our exaggerated startle reflex (jumping, screaming, etc), flashbacks, and so on. But cheating? Nope, not a PTSD symptom.

All that she is doing are conscious choices. Actually, very little of what you describe actually falls within any of the criteria for a PTSD diagnosis.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

@Jolly roger Welcome!

I would as you to look and decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with this person, and don't define it in terms of a PTSD relationship. PTSD can affect a relationship, but bottom line it is about whether or not you want to be with her. Yes, there are times of withdrawal with a person who has PTSD, but it doesn't normally involve hopping into bed with someone else.

I can't speak for anyone but myself and I have PTSD. I find I tend to withdraw or isolate when I am feeling overwhelmed and just want some time alone to regroup and let my head and body settle down. Every person needs some down time, I just need it a little more frequently. That doesn't change who I am or cause me to throw my morals out the window. It does cause me to read more books though.

PTSD doesn't define who a person is, but it does have an impact on some of their behaviors, thoughts and emotions. It is something that with therapy, management and stress reduction that enables people to live relatively normal lives and have good healthy relationships. At this point I would toss the 90 days out the window and just let her work through her stuff. Focus on yourself and really do some soul searching as to whether or not you want to continue the relationship.