Emdr And Confusion

[tm2566]

Therapy today was good and bad? I was able to talk about parts of one of my rapes that I wasn't able to discuss out loud before or talk to anyone about. I also ended up processing a memory of my brother abusing me that we had been working on previously. My therapist asked me to go to what happened after being on the couch with my brother and I couldn't tell her. I tried accessing more of the memory and my mind went all weird. It felt like waves of black coming at my face and with each wave my mind kept filling up and I thought my head was going to combust and I was either going to pass out or shoot out of my head. I felt like there was something there but I wasn't able to access it. My head felt heavy like there was a weight on it. On the way home it felt like it was on fire. My therapist told me it's either there's something there that my mind isn't ready to allow me to access and know or that my mind is telling me that whatever it is I don't need to know to heal. Either way it was very strange and extremely unpleasant. My session basically boiled down to new body memories but no new memories. So I'm really frustrated about that. The body memories tell me something real and true is going on but I don't have the memories. The feeling with my head was so uncomfortable and I kept feeling like I was on the brink of either my body doing something really bad or knowing something really big but neither happened. I was just on the brink of that the whole time and the feeling in my head just kept increasing. I feel like I should have felt better after that session but I feel a lot worse. She told me we started to get into deeper stuff today which I guess makes sense. I just feel like I just opened up all this stuff that now I don't know what to do with. I know there's other things in my past I'm not remembering which is frustrating and I feel like I still need my brother to confess in order to have closure and heal. He has admitted to abusing my older sister but denies doing anything to me. I know he is one of my abusers but I feel like my session today has made me even more desperate to find out the truth which is bad. I don't want to be desperate. My whole body feels like it's on the verge of a panic attack every time I close my eyes and now and I just feel depressed. At one point my therapist stopped the EMDR and told me if processing was to much that we could stop it or ease up but I told her I could keep going. I said I could because I wanted to get as fixed as possible before going back home. Now I'm wondering if I pushed myself to hard and I wasn't ready for as much as I let myself process.

 

[Whyteferret]

Therapy today was good and bad? I was able to talk about parts of one of my rapes that I wasn't able to...

Memory is a strange thing. I know the feeling of wanting to remember and not being able to. But, you don't need the memory to work on the PTSD. A lot of what ties us up isn't the actual trauma. It's what we start believing about ourselves and the world because of it. lol. Sounds so easy, doesn't it?
Body memories need "cleared" also. It's still trauma memory.
Try not to be frustrated over this.

If you're still feeling off balance, practice the safe place. Or mindfulness. Or distraction.

 

[tm2566]

Memory is a strange thing. I know the feeling of wanting to remember and not being able to. But,...

I have been using distraction and have reached out for support when I started feeling like I wanted to isolate myself. I'm getting a lot better at resisting the urge to isolate when I know it's not safe and reaching out to people. I was able to talk to a friend about today's session and a lot of other things and I feel a bit better now :)