Marymickaela
Silver Member
Saw my therapist last week and was finally able to discuss my meltdown from the previous week's session. I was feeling more stable after getting back on my Trileptal med I had forgotten to take the previous week. She described how she witnessed my rage meltdown consisting of ranting and raving and said it was like watching a teenager out of control. She then demonstrated how I acted. She said she's had other patients have meltdowns like that before but I was the first to hit the walls. We discussed it for quite awhile and both agreed it was good that she was able to see that side of me and had moved my therapy ahead probably by months. Normally I keep my rage under control and really feel no emotions. I don't feel happy, sad, angry, anything and when I do get angry it's directed at my husband and in a sarcastic manner. I said when the rage happened last week it was like my brain was free-falling, going constantly from one incident to another and another and another without stopping. I don't know if it was mania, but I told her the rage I felt was real. I said one thing it reminded me of was a period of time in my mid 20's. Something happened to me which I can't say, but a great deal of the rage involved was directed at another person. I have horrible regrets over that period of time so she said "let's do EMDR on that".
I put the headphones on, adjusted my tones, closed my eyes and tried to remember that memory. I'm 64 so what happened was 40 years ago. Trying to put myself back in that situation was very difficult, but I was able to make a connection. Tears came to my eyes and I told her I can never forgive myself for the rage I had inflicted on that person. My therapist never gives me suggestions, just tells me to focus on this or that thought each time I get stuck. She leaves it up to me to somehow figure it out. I know that my rage stems from the abuse I suffered from my dad and possible rape by several boys when I was 6. While doing the EMDR I was able to be that girl in her mid 20's for awhile and remember that period of time. I got pregnant with my 2nd child and a tumor was found at my 1st prenatal visit. I remember the doctor asking me "how long have you had this lump?" and I said "what lump?" I had a 3 hour surgery when I was 6 mo. pregnant which turned out to be thyroid cancer. I said I always felt I was being punished and that's why I got cancer. I remember having rage attacks at my husband while pregnant and my 3 year old little girl being terrified as I stormed around the house screaming out of control.
We did the EMDR for quite awhile and I finally opened my eyes and we talked. Right now I feel very sad. I just don't know how to forgive myself. My father is deceased so I can't direct my rage at him and obviously it's still in my psyche, but the Trileptal is keeping it in check. Is it a good idea to keep it suppressed as I can't work on it if I can't feel it? I'm sure that's why I am sick all the time as I've turned all my anger inward. I see my psychiatrist Tuesday and will talk to him about cutting the Trileptal a little so I can feel it, but not so much that I explode and get out of control again.
I told my therapist about being in talk therapy for over 10 years and all we did was talk. I've gotten so much more working with this therapist in 4 months then over the last 10 years, not counting hospitalizations. I'm just grateful to have found her.
I put the headphones on, adjusted my tones, closed my eyes and tried to remember that memory. I'm 64 so what happened was 40 years ago. Trying to put myself back in that situation was very difficult, but I was able to make a connection. Tears came to my eyes and I told her I can never forgive myself for the rage I had inflicted on that person. My therapist never gives me suggestions, just tells me to focus on this or that thought each time I get stuck. She leaves it up to me to somehow figure it out. I know that my rage stems from the abuse I suffered from my dad and possible rape by several boys when I was 6. While doing the EMDR I was able to be that girl in her mid 20's for awhile and remember that period of time. I got pregnant with my 2nd child and a tumor was found at my 1st prenatal visit. I remember the doctor asking me "how long have you had this lump?" and I said "what lump?" I had a 3 hour surgery when I was 6 mo. pregnant which turned out to be thyroid cancer. I said I always felt I was being punished and that's why I got cancer. I remember having rage attacks at my husband while pregnant and my 3 year old little girl being terrified as I stormed around the house screaming out of control.
We did the EMDR for quite awhile and I finally opened my eyes and we talked. Right now I feel very sad. I just don't know how to forgive myself. My father is deceased so I can't direct my rage at him and obviously it's still in my psyche, but the Trileptal is keeping it in check. Is it a good idea to keep it suppressed as I can't work on it if I can't feel it? I'm sure that's why I am sick all the time as I've turned all my anger inward. I see my psychiatrist Tuesday and will talk to him about cutting the Trileptal a little so I can feel it, but not so much that I explode and get out of control again.
I told my therapist about being in talk therapy for over 10 years and all we did was talk. I've gotten so much more working with this therapist in 4 months then over the last 10 years, not counting hospitalizations. I'm just grateful to have found her.
