Emdr (movie or full out relive?)

[Deleted member 37474]

Starting EMDR in the near future/still in the initial phase. If your original flashbacks were in movie and body memory format, whilst doing the emdr therapy...do you relive your trauma as if being back in your body and experience it like it really is happening? For example, I am really afraid of seeing his face while he does this stuff to me. My flashbacks are mostly manageable because everything is so split up. I don't feel it all at once with all of my senses and emotions. What are your personal experiences in this regard.

 

[Fadeaway]

Some yes, but it's different than a flashback. For me it was very split up but I had a tom of memories that had nothing to do with the trauma as well. I got a ton of memories of times I had dissociated outside of traumatic events and saw those times clearly for the first time.

 

[hymnless]

I'm with @Fadeaway on this as far as dissociated memories and it being different than a flashback. My memories are primarily body memories but during EMDR I've had a lot of them shift to more of a movie. I find it odd that sometimes the same memory feels like a movie and at others it feels like a still image. When I'm on my own having flashbacks, they're still body memories. Which suck but at least I know what to expect. When I first started processing actual memories (one of mine is specific to eye contact) it felt really disregulating and awful, but my therapist helped me a lot with grounding, resourcing, etc. Good luck!

 

[Rumors]

Mine have been in movie and physical form.... it has been a bit like reliving it but I was doing that anyway...

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Mine have been in movie and physical form.... it has been a bit like reliving it but I was doing that an...

So your relive was similar to what you were already experiencing? Or was it more intense?

 

[Rumors]

It was similar to what I was already experiencing. The added intensity was that I was in the room with a therapist vs being alone having flashbacks. That may have caused some extra anxiety. For me, no one knows about the abuse except my therapist, so it remains a big secret for me. I have struggled verbalizing what happened which makes it like one big locked up hairy mess in my mind. I definitely have cognitive distortions about the subject. Lol. I struggle with the shame and the violence that occurred during that time. It frightens me and makes me feel like I am 4 again. I am working diligently in being present and in the here and now when I think about it. Being able to have an adult perspective vs a 4 year old perspective is helping me find my voice. I hope this helps...keep posting and feel free to pm me if it helps. I don't know that I have any answers but sometimes just feeling like you aren't alone helps!

 

[joeylittle]

Movie. Maintaining distance is important for me. But I don't always succeed. Then I end up in re-living land which can get overwhelming, quickly.

(I do EFT, not EMDR, but similar protocols)

 

[blueangel371115]

I just did my first session and it was something else. I didn't know what to expect. At first, it started like a movie then it turned to those flashback -type things you see on tv or movies sometimes. It got so real that I seemed to feel the physical parts of my experiences all over again. Not to scare you. But I did find it helpful, if emotionally exhausting. It was good to be able to handle the situations in my mind in a way that was more constructive that I couldn't in real life.

 

[Missycat]

I would have to agree with all of the above.
I have been in therapy for approx 15 months and have used emdr to help with the csa trauma memories. It has been extremely hard at times and we have had to stop for periods to ensure i was safe and grounded and work on calming, grounding and self soothing strategies.
I have to say tho that it has been worth the hard work and pain with me seeing a significant improvement with flashbacks and symptoms.
My t did the emdr is small manageable chunks ie i would recall the memory in only 6 second portions and we would increase this as my anxiety improved. She would ask me to think about me and her being on a train looking at the memory thru the window or we are at a cinema sat at the back watching a movie - these approaches really helped me.
Stay strong and i wish you all the best x

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Therapy was on Wednesday. She told me we can start emdr when I feel ready. We practiced it with my "positive place image." I left that day feeling so at peace. It was like I was in my happy place, felt real until she added the vibration hand things. I had walked into therapy at a suds 5 and left at a 1. Only problem is what has happened since then. Thursday was horrible. Had a really strong emotional flashback before work. Tried to and mostly avoided sh on the way to work. It all only built up. Then, I was in chat Thursday night got triggered by a situation/color. Thought I was fine, thought it was a "mild trigger." But then I had a major flashback, lost time. When I tried to access my "happy place" it went gray. It was like it was melting away from me. I actually was afraid to open my eyes when I was coming out of it because I saw two shadowed figures... but when I peeked, it was a light blue wall in my bathroom. So 2017 was coming back. Then I went back in chat and someone asked me what day it was. It took me a moment to figure it out, but I did. So... new question... does it seem as though I need to work more on stabilizing myself before we start an actual piece of trauma? I think that I am also having some concerns about abandonment and trust with my new T. I may just need to spend a whole session on that. I don't understand how accessing a happy place would make my brain think about giving me a horrible trauma flashback. Does that happen?

 

[Missycat]

@TexCat , im sorry thats it been a tough week for you .
I did 'my safe place' and have used it quite a lot. My t also uses the hand buzzers cos i cant cope with fingers flashing in front of me!
I did have some flashbacks and awful memories after processing using emdr and i believe this can happen to some, hence why T's need to ensure you are grounded before you leave and have strategies in place should you need them. As i have progressed through therapy and used emdr more i have found that i do less'additional processing' as time has gone on.

 

[hymnless]

@TexCat that's exactly how I felt after my first session. I was like "oh I'm totally fine! That wasn't bad at all!" And then I tanked. 7 months in and I still don't do great after an EMDR session, but it's getting better. I also don't do EMDR every session because I have a really bad time building trust, so my t has been trying to make sure I'm not retraumatized by experiencing all of these emotions with someone who had been a stranger. Don't be afraid to take a step back. I know I felt like I was failing when I did so, but it turned out to be incredibly helpful in the big picture of both regular therapy and EMDR.