I do very similar things in that I immediately begin to asses and evaluate her the minute I come through the door. It's almost as if I am finding an excuse to kick the can down the road too. It is hard for me to fully engage and I always feel like a burden. We discussed recently what it looks like to have my own voice. That phrase seems silly, but it is really pertinent. Your voice was stiflednd along with that came stifled emotion. It is hard to learn how to do those things when especially if you never learned how to at a young age. It is kind of like learning how to swim at age 5 or age 45. It comes fairly easy at age 5, but at age 45 you fight the water for a while before it finally becomes comfortable. Hang in there!