Every Week Fire Storm.. Why??

[Srain]

I rarely see my husband or talk to him during the week so I look forward to seeing him on the weekend but for the past year (could be a lot longer for all I know) we get into at least one fight or at least I start one it seems. At least ONE. Now, it's become this thing where we are seeing if this will be the first one where I can get through it without getting into it. It's worried me no end, but when all is said and done they just don't make any sense, one argument never has anything to do with the other!

This past weekend, however, I had an epiphany. As the game was blaring, the dogs were wrestling around, and my Hunny was cooking (well, almost burning, that's my take) the dinner as well mumbling questions to me I can't hear, I am trying to take in all this over the increasingly louder noise in my brain. The frustration level I have felt overwhelming after a horrible day of inability to make 1 simple decision over and over anything regarding taking care of myself or anything to do with my life. Each time sending me into seriously deep waters, forcing me to utilize my safe room. I'm horrified to admit to cutting at one point. I completely lost it in a wave of several emotion flashbacks. I was unable to carry on a conversation with husband. It took me over an hour to figure out how to get dressed. I gave up on what we needed from the store.

Back to the epiphany...every weekend...our dogs do not act so hyper during the week when he is not home. We have a routine, there are no 2nd set of rules or 2nd voice in the house. I don't get as confused, I don't fight with anyone and so there isn't that kind of energy. I get angry at my Husband because he is the only one around. It is NOT his fault. He has NOT done anything wrong. It is the noise stimulation that I cannot deal with. I don't want to be held or anything like that and I don't want him to be in the other room either the whole time. I'm not sure how to fix this but I do know what is causing the problem. He is a quiet man but no pushover and he doesn't hold a grudge so it's been helpful to get this answer for myself. Now that I have it and I am not sure what to do, sheesh! I will ask my tdoc.

At least I know now for sure. It probably sounds like a "duh" kind of thing but I just can't seem to figure these things out for myself or have in the past but because I thought I should be able to just deal I shoved it away. Well, I can't deal and now I am losing it over and trying to rip my marriage apart. I hate this about me, I really do, these are the times I just want to get in a car and go go go. What a loser I am. The answers about this seem simple but nothing is simple for me, my brain is crowded with so many demons. It hit me this weekend as it hasn't for a while, I just want my old life back. I just want to work again and be viable.

 

[KP the nut]

It is the noise stimulation that I cannot deal with. I don't want to be held or anything like that and I don't want him to be in the other room either the whole time.

It hit me this weekend as it hasn't for a while, I just want my old life back. I just want to work again and be viable.

Is there anywhere you can go for peace, lie on the bed and practise grounding techniques, or have a bath, listen to music through headphones, something to cut you off from the noise. Are you able to walk the dogs on your own? A huge effort but to see mine running always gives me a lift.

I told my T last week the same - I want my own life back. I want to be able to drive 3 hours to see my daughter and have have the fun nights out we used to have.

Hold on to the dream - it will happen one day.

(((HUGS)))
KP

 

[lostsoul]

It's great that you have come to understand that it isn't him. well done for that, YOU ARE NOT A LOSER, you reconise your problem and try your best to deal with it, in time i'm sure you will get what you want and try explaining this to your hubby it will probly be a relief to him as it's likely he is doubting himself. Stay strong.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Rain,

You are not a loser. Sometimes it is just all one can do to figure out how to take a shower and get dressed, and it is worse when a routine is disrupted. During the week, you can have a routine, control your environment and reduce stress. You did a great job of identifying what bothers you on the weekend, and discussing this with your husband will help both of you. I know that my husband and children had to make some changes to prevent me from overloading, but they were actually positive changes that benefited the entire family. Having a peaceful environment, is not a hardship on anyone. (A little harder to achieve with teenagers in the house.)

Rain & KP,

I think we all would like to have parts of our old life back. I wish I could pick and choose what parts, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards. But we do have lives, and we can make the best of them, working with what we have. It may not be the same, but it doesn't necessarily have to be bad. I am viewing it as just "different".

(((hugs))) to both.
Deb

 

[Srain]

Thank you all, I did have a discussion with my Husband about this. I cringed when he said it seemed like I was seeming to be so 'needy', ack!! I just get sick to my stomach recalling those words from him. Needless to say it's old family crap and at 16 yrs old I sped out of the house on my own to show that was hardly the case and never looked back. At this point I've been on disability for a few years and now I hear this and I'm horrified!!

I want to run but I know it has nothing to do with finances it has to do with emotional insecurities and that is my inner child creeping out and it's all the flashbacks that are pouring out. I can only go through it and give her the attention she needs. I'm embarrassed and sick over it. He loves me but I have always known he was not a verbal man, one of the things I enjoyed about him. Now I am all over him about it like a sticky sucker. :( :( :(

I see the tdoc tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to ramp up my appts soon.

Rain