Everyone around me needs help and lacks empathy

[PamelaS]

I agree boundaries are the issue here.

I know lots of people with ADHD and I disagree heartily with your sentiment that they are all self centered. What you describe is a narcissistic person which you’re family can have more than one disorder.

Some people are self centered and happen to have adhd. You’re over generalizing and I find it offensive as someone who has ADHD. I find I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out other people’s needs and fulfilling them because my mind tends to see patterns and when someone is off it becomes something I fixate on. Some people with ADHD have learned to live with and thrive with their disorder, without meds or therapy. I have systems for everything which makes me a bit OCD because if I drop my system chaos reigns.

I can hear how overwhelmed you are dealing with your family, I get it mine are tough too. I’d even say they have varying degrees of ADHD for quite a few. But what my family has in common that makes them difficult isn’t their diagnosis it’s that they’re demanding, even those who don’t have symptoms of ADHD. Everyone feels entitled to my time…because as I’m discovering in therapy now, it’s who I’ve always been. Want something solved, done, worked at-Charbella will do it. Yes that meant anything including the one everyone came to to complain about others.

I removed myself from the equation. A major work in progress that I sometimes absolutely suck at. I stopped saying yes by not answering the phone, not being always available. I still help but not to the extent I once did where I basically drop everything that matters to me in order to help them. I see the pattern of my mom and how she will call every 6 weeks and want help with a project, I anticipate the call and prep myself with the ground rules. I cannot do Sunday. I need it to cook for the week, be calm and ready for another work week. I will not drive to you, you want my help, show up at my house, these are the times I’m available.

Boundaries are a double edge sword for me, the amount I’ve had to back out of things means no one relies on me, which means I get less good contact too. It means I have to reach out more to some because they don’t want me to do something for them doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with them. Even those family members with ADHD get that I’m no longer the go to.

It’s a juggling act, but it sounds like you’re getting it under control. I used to let people walk all over me. Not anymore. Thanks for sharing. Take good care of yourself. One day at a time. I’m glad they don’t dump everything on you anymore.

 

[deno]

I completely get what you’re saying about ADHD, but it’s not inherently self-centered. People with ADHD can be some of the most perceptive, empathetic, and giving individuals out there. The issue isn’t the diagnosis itself; it’s how people handle it and interact with others. Some people, ADHD or not, take and take without realizing they’re draining the person who’s always been there.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting people out...it means protecting yourself so you can still participate in ways that feel right for you. It means learning when to say yes and when to say no without guilt. It means creating space for yourself without becoming invisible. Boundaries don’t mean isolation—they mean learning how to be part of relationships without losing yourself in them.

 

[Calmdown]

@Charbella My goal is not to offend you but I want to say how it is. After all I used the topic to vent about my struggles with friends and family who have (severe and unmedicated) ADHD. I might have a very mild case of ADHD myself, at least I have an uncertain suspected diagnosis and it runs in the family.
What I describe is behaviour caused by ADHD. The symptoms are pretty clear and there is no need to argue about the fact that these symptoms can easily lead to self centered behaviour. Do I say that everyone with ADHD is self-centerd and difficult to deal with? Absolutely not! However I don't take part in romanticising and downplaying a very serious disorder. I see how unmedicated people struggle in their life because the parents ignored a diagnosis in childhood or because they never went to a doctor.

One ADHD symptom can be emotional dysregulation, it is like walking on eggshells, especially if you need to criticise them for even minor things. Impulsvitity. Troubles planning leads to constant stress. Talking over you and not listening.
There can also be a lack of self awareness. This leads to behavior that appears to be narcissistic but in the end it is caused by ADHD, which makes a difference in how to deal with it.

If I would take all of that personally I would think they don't give a shit about me and I don't matter to them. After a close friend got a diagnosis many years ago I started to get more knowledge about ADHD and I began to understand that this is unrelated to me. It still can be difficult but if I'm able to untangle myself I will be able to focus on the positive aspects of being close to them again.
The person that is most important in my life has a ADHD diagnosis and that person is not egoistic but I see when she struggles with ADHD, without medication she takes everything even neutral to be against her, a behavior that some describe as rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), which is common in people with ADHD.

Even "just" depression can be difficult to deal with for people that are close, and even depression can lead to self-centered behaviour. Same with PTSD, autism etc. ADHD is no exception.

So, I still want to thank you for taking your time and sharing your experience despite being offended by what I wrote.
I think it is similiar for me, they don't intentionally exploit me but I'm there, like a tool and it gets used. It will not stop if I expect them to change their behaviour, I need to change. I really wish I had a therapist to support me with that, but the responses here already helped to accelerate my determination to work on it and set better boundaries.

 

[Dadzilla]

It is unbearable. I told most of them that I'm not well but they are unable to be considerate of me. Despite knowing that I should say "no" more often I helped too many people and too much the last weeks. I think, and this is no exaggeration, that everyone I still know has ADHD. No offense to anyone with ADHD reading this but ADHD is a self centered disorder. If you get entangled with someone who has ADHD you will find yourself in the role of the adult: you plan, care, solve problems etc. and it never ends! You will be a social worker and therapist. Gratitude fades quickly.
I don't find a therapist (must be 3 years now). I'm just focusing on getting by until I get help. If they would be able to understand it they would spare me, I know that I matter to them but I just don't have the energy do be understanding anymore. It is friends and my family. My mother and my father. At least I don't have to help my father, but he too is unable to support me by not burdening me further when I feel bad.
The reason I'm even here might partly be due to the people around me who put me through extreme stress before I was triggered. Without that extreme stress, the crap that was triggered wouldn't have come to the surface. That was about six months ago.
It might not sound like that but I'm also feeling guilty writing this.

How do I care less? I know that people should expect nothing from me currently but the stuff needs to be done, it is like I have no choice.
The worst part is that the person I still want to take care of, a child, is getting less of my attention due to all this stress.

When I was 12 I was misdiagnosed as having dyslexia. In reality, I had severe ADHD that went untreated until my late 20s. My family and teachers assumed I was simply lazy, and I began to HATE myself because of it. The pain i felt as boy, disappointing my dad, (along with all the other crap that comes from being raised by a narcissist), has left this 55 year old dad and husband in a hole so deep and dark, that I can only hope my life salvageable.
An executive function impairment may not be a big deal to you, but it has nearly brought me to my knees.

 

[Calmdown]

I take ADHD very serious and I feel with people who suffer from it. I successfully persuaded a friend to have her son tested for ADHD before starting elementary school. Only with medication he was able to succeed in school.
The point of my post was that I needed to vent, it is not about ADHD but about my experience dealing with people around me who need help and are very demanding. Same as other disorders ADHD can also take a toll on friends, relatives, partners etc.
What you describe is a big issue because even today society underestimates ADHD but this is another topic. The positive is that you were diagnosed, there are people in their 50s still undiagnosed. Also ADHD runs in the family, your father might had untreated ADHD which can lead to narcissistic behaviour.

 

[PamelaS]

I take ADHD very serious and I feel with people who suffer from it. I successfully persuaded a friend to have her son tested for ADHD before starting elementary school. Only with medication he was able to succeed in school.
The point of my post was that I needed to vent, it is not about ADHD but about my experience dealing with people around me who need help and are very demanding. Same as other disorders ADHD can also take a toll on friends, relatives, partners etc.
What you describe is a big issue because even today society underestimates ADHD but this is another topic. The positive is that you were diagnosed, there are people in their 50s still undiagnosed. Also ADHD runs in the family, your father might had untreated ADHD which can lead to narcissistic behaviour.

I am 63 and I am undiagnosed. My grandson is showing signs of it. I learned to focus the extra energy it brought to fuel my escape from my life. My escape was school. It was where I was safe. I worked very very hard to succeed, and I did but it took a while. I also had dyslexia undiagnosed. I was the first in my relatives to go to college. I flunked out of my first major because of the dyslexia. But I kept going. I kept trying. Long story short-I was able to teach students with learning challenges (I wound call them disabilities) in a way that they could succeed.
So I encourage you to discover some positives in your diagnosis. Even being on the autism spectrum allows for something good. It always comes with one or two areas of gifting. If you recognize what is good about your diagnosis and you embrace it rather than throw it away and you learn to work with your body and mind instead of against it, you can start moving forward with confidence and get to a better place. It’s a matter of perspective. We can overcome more than we think we can. I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m not saying that it won’t be hard. I’m not saying that the trauma will go away. What I am saying is that even in the junk, it’s possible to find a workaround to accommodate your needs to make it possible to move forward and not get stuck in the muck. I apologize if this offends anyone. I’m just sharing my story in hopes that it encourages someone. I hope that you all find some relief for your pain. Try to find something positive to focus your energy on. That may give you some relief. And it may even be an avenue to better yourself. Best wishes.

 

[deno]

Pamela, I really appreciate you sharing your story. Your perseverance is inspiring, and I relate to that deep need to push forward, even when the odds were stacked against me. Like you, I’ve had to navigate life without certain diagnoses or support, and while that made things harder, it also shaped the way I problem-solve and adapt.

I really like what you said about embracing the strengths that come with challenges instead of just seeing them as obstacles. That shift in perspective—working with yourself instead of against yourself—resonates a lot. It’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way, but I’m still learning.

Your message isn’t offensive at all; it’s encouraging. Sometimes we just need to hear that moving forward is possible, even when we feel stuck. Thank you for that.

 

[PamelaS]

Pamela, I really appreciate you sharing your story. Your perseverance is inspiring, and I relate to that deep need to push forward, even when the odds were stacked against me. Like you, I’ve had to navigate life without certain diagnoses or support, and while that made things harder, it also shaped the way I problem-solve and adapt.

I really like what you said about embracing the strengths that come with challenges instead of just seeing them as obstacles. That shift in perspective—working with yourself instead of against yourself—resonates a lot. It’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way, but I’m still learning.

Your message isn’t offensive at all; it’s encouraging. Sometimes we just need to hear that moving forward is possible, even when we feel stuck. Thank you for that.

Thank you deno! That’s always my goal, to help others to keep moving forward. I’m glad that I am among my people here. People here get it. For the first time in my life I feel understood. So many people in my world just don’t get it.

 

[PamelaS]

I am 63 and I am undiagnosed. My grandson is showing signs of it. I learned to focus the extra energy it brought to fuel my escape from my life. My escape was school. It was where I was safe. I worked very very hard to succeed, and I did but it took a while. I also had dyslexia undiagnosed. I was the first in my relatives to go to college. I flunked out of my first major because of the dyslexia. But I kept going. I kept trying. Long story short-I was able to teach students with learning challenges (I wound call them disabilities) in a way that they could succeed.
So I encourage you to discover some positives in your diagnosis. Even being on the autism spectrum allows for something good. It always comes with one or two areas of gifting. If you recognize what is good about your diagnosis and you embrace it rather than throw it away and you learn to work with your body and mind instead of against it, you can start moving forward with confidence and get to a better place. It’s a matter of perspective. We can overcome more than we think we can. I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m not saying that it won’t be hard. I’m not saying that the trauma will go away. What I am saying is that even in the junk, it’s possible to find a workaround to accommodate your needs to make it possible to move forward and not get stuck in the muck. I apologize if this offends anyone. I’m just sharing my story in hopes that it encourages someone. I hope that you all find some relief for your pain. Try to find something positive to focus your energy on. That may give you some relief. And it may even be an avenue to better yourself. Best wishes.

I just noticed a mistake in my message. I use text to type, and I forgot to reread it. It says I would call it disability. What I actually said was I would.NOT call it disability. Thanks for your grace. Don’t know if I made any other mistakes. Oh well.

Sorry, “talk to text “ my brain doesn’t always work right.

 

[Helpfulmom34]

Honestly, there is something within this that states you have very loose boundaries, and were conditioned to this in childhood(and likely made to feel guilty, for having reasonable boundaries or speaking up).
They were conditioned out of you, by someone(or many important someone's).

Sometimes this means we disassociate from our own emotions, to optimalize time with that same person(if we "seem unreasonable " to them by having safety or emotional needs we would do what needs done to make that time "more pleasent" so we may recieve connection). Remember connection, is survival for kids at times and necissary for growth and development of certain things, we need it. So our minds will adapt that way.

Being put in the "therapist" role in ones childhood at some point (Made to be there for them, makes one also *grow up too quick*). Meaning we are then parentified(put in a parental role) learning to self sacrifice furthe(and further disassociation from emotions) and yes this can be paired with *not being very caring or considerate of the child(who later becomes an adult)->you*, both simultaneously, can come of parents who are very selfish(common for those with NPD) they abandon and neglect(in covert ways, emotionally), while raining in control( by making use "of the child" via "therapist role") it's emotionally neglectful.

We adapt to survive the environment we are reared in, and it becomes our baseline and those patterns follow us into adulthood too.

This type of parent, could say they have ADHD(there is more acceptance of that and it may align more with the image they like to play up for themselves) so it's within their comfort zone to go for that label(others would accept it).

Recognizing ing that they are selfish, is a healthy reaction then- recognizing that the boundaries are missing, is accurate too(that healthy bit survived despite the other patterns that were imposed on you).

I'm sorry but there's a lot here that has to do with being the child of parents *who can't love*, there's so much to work through there and I am not saying that in judgement of you, but rather, I am quite literally recognizing patterns of behavior that specialists on NPD have said those with NPD do *to their kids*, and there's so much to unpack and heal for anyone that's been raised in that(and you have my sympathy and empathy).♡♡♡

It's not your fault, you didn't choose this, you can heal though if I'm honest, it's tough at times but you deserve it.♡