Everyone around me needs help and lacks empathy

[Calmdown]

It is unbearable. I told most of them that I'm not well but they are unable to be considerate of me. Despite knowing that I should say "no" more often I helped too many people and too much the last weeks. I think, and this is no exaggeration, that everyone I still know has ADHD. No offense to anyone with ADHD reading this but ADHD is a self centered disorder. If you get entangled with someone who has ADHD you will find yourself in the role of the adult: you plan, care, solve problems etc. and it never ends! You will be a social worker and therapist. Gratitude fades quickly.
I don't find a therapist (must be 3 years now). I'm just focusing on getting by until I get help. If they would be able to understand it they would spare me, I know that I matter to them but I just don't have the energy do be understanding anymore. It is friends and my family. My mother and my father. At least I don't have to help my father, but he too is unable to support me by not burdening me further when I feel bad.
The reason I'm even here might partly be due to the people around me who put me through extreme stress before I was triggered. Without that extreme stress, the crap that was triggered wouldn't have come to the surface. That was about six months ago.
It might not sound like that but I'm also feeling guilty writing this.

How do I care less? I know that people should expect nothing from me currently but the stuff needs to be done, it is like I have no choice.
The worst part is that the person I still want to take care of, a child, is getting less of my attention due to all this stress.

 

[Movingforward10]

everyone I still know has ADHD.

That seems quite unlikely....

but ADHD is a self centered disorder.

....and this isn't true. Perhaps you are surrounding yourself with people who take a lot from you, but you are diagnosing them with things that they don't have?

You will be a social worker and therapis

I'm wondering about you in these relationships. What is it that you seek relationships with people who you are very unsatisfied with?

How do I care less?

Is this what you want people to respond to?
I'm not sure what you are wanting to address for yourself.

 

[Calmdown]

I probably should have taken more time to clarify. So first of all "How do I care less" might sound offensive, english is not my native language, what I mean is "How do I feel less responsible". I also wrote this after an exhausting day of helping someone just to get more burdened by two different people in the evening. I'm burned out, I'm exhausted, so I might come off as an ass writing all this but that is my experience and I wish to get taken serious.

Some are diagnosed and some are not. I have spent quite some time with people that are diagnosed now. When I expect someone to have ADHD it is not just one symptom like impulsivity but several symptoms that are more or less unique to ADHD. Also what is a key sign of ADHD is that the symptoms exist since childhood, which is the case for everyone I expect to have ADHD. Many adults who have ADHD are undiagnosed and I guess that is especially the case for older people like my father and mother.
ADHD is indeed a self centered disorder, many of the symptoms are exactly that. This doesn't mean that someone with ADHD is a bad person but the struggle in daily life alone makes it hard to focus on the needs of other people. ADHD is a spectrum, there are mild cases, I'm talking about severe ADHD. There is also a difference between people medicated and in therapy and unmedicated. For partners of people who have autism it is known that it can be challenging and bad for mental health, it is the same with ADHD. Online it often gets portrayed as quirky and the focus is on how difficult it is for the person who has ADHD but if you look for it you also find more and more information about how it affects partners.


There probably was parentification in my childhood, I lived alone with my mother and it was very difficult for me. Today my father sometimes switches the roles too.
If I take the role of the "parent" in relationships I repeat the patterns I learned in my childhood. I already try to not take responsibility sometimes but I just had to help because if people go under I lose them, so there is also the anxiety of losing people that are close to me.

 

[Sideways]

Despite knowing that I should say "no" more often I helped too many people and too much the last weeks.

Were you under more stress yourself during this period? I personally find that my communication skills and healthy boundaries go out the window when I’m not okay. The answer to that is usually more self care.

everyone I still know has ADHD.

Time to expand your horizons then

An exercise that was really helpful for me with appropriate boundaries:

• Take a blank sheet of paper, and write Me in the middle
• Draw a circle around Me
• Draw a larger circle around the first one
• Draw an even larger circle around the second one.

Now write all the people you have relationships in each circle.

People who are closest to you go in the circle nearest to you. That circle is for:

• People you rely on most, & can be most honest with; and conversely
• People who rely on you the most, and are most honest with you;
• People you spend the most intimate time with.

That might be your partner, or a best friend.

People in the furthest circle out are people who are only intermittently in your life. Your relationship with them is likely to be more superficial. You probably can’t rely on each other much, and don’t (or, probably shouldn’t) share intimate details about your life with.

The circle in between is for all the people who float somewhere between those groups.

Relationships move in and out of each circle from time to time, and that’s perfectly normal.

There’s a couple of things that this particular exercise helps with.

The first is it helps us identify relationships that are currently sitting in the wrong circle. That might be because people we don’t want to be particularly intimate with are waaaaay too up there in our lives, or people that we do want to give more time and energy to aren’t getting enough. That allows us to make changes.

The second thing it helps with is planning ahead. What sorts of things would you want to share with the people in each circle? You may be happy exchanging details about personal stressors, and asking for help, with people in the innermost circle, but not with people in the outermost circle.

I personally find visualising it that way helps me set healthier boundaries all round, and be more assertive in my communication with folks who aren’t sitting quite where they need to be in my life.

 

[Calmdown]

Thanks for the insight. I think it is a good exercise no matter how good or bad the relationships work. I only know a few people and they are close friends, so I already focus on the people that are important to me, I only wish I could distance myself more from my family.

Were you under more stress yourself during this period? I personally find that my communication skills and healthy boundaries go out the window when I’m not okay. The answer to that is usually more self care.

The last half year has been extreme but trauma related I feel I'm getting a little bit better since some weeks. I would just need some quiet time for me now. However the lack of healthy boundaries is a general problem unrelated to stress, I always feel responsible. I know this since many years and I'm already keeping stuff away from me but what gets me is the urgency of the problems. Also the dynamic of these relationships have been like that for many years, I think it is especially hard to overcome that as it is not a problem I'm responsible for alone. For my best friend, it's not just ADHD but also PTSD and dissociation. She told me herself that to her the future doesn’t exist as a concept, and the past feels like it never happened. It is as if I have to prove my worth over and over again because everything I've done over the years just gets forgotten.

 

[PamelaS]

Thanks for the insight. I think it is a good exercise no matter how good or bad the relationships work. I only know a few people and they are close friends, so I already focus on the people that are important to me, I only wish I could distance myself more from my family.


The last half year has been extreme but trauma related I feel I'm getting a little bit better since some weeks. I would just need some quiet time for me now. However the lack of healthy boundaries is a general problem unrelated to stress, I always feel responsible. I know this since many years and I'm already keeping stuff away from me but what gets me is the urgency of the problems. Also the dynamic of these relationships have been like that for many years, I think it is especially hard to overcome that as it is not a problem I'm responsible for alone. For my best friend, it's not just ADHD but also PTSD and dissociation. She told me herself that to her the future doesn’t exist as a concept, and the past feels like it never happened. It is as if I have to prove my worth over and over again because everything I've done over the years just gets forgotten.

Calmdown, I appreciate that you are struggling with all of this. I believe that Sideways has a very good exercise in identifying the value of your relationships. But I believe that more work needs to be done in identifying your boundaries. Boundaries and sometimes the only options we have to remain safe around toxic people. I say “toxic” not to say they are bad people, but they are contributing negatively in your life. I have learned a lot about how toxicity in our foods contribute to damage in our physical health. In the same way, toxicity in our relationships, contribute negatively in our mental health. We are the ones who are responsible for our physical and mental health. No one else is going to do that for us. If you’ve ever been on an airplane, you know what they say about the oxygen mask. Put it on yourself first. Because if you don’t take care of yourself first, you will not be able to care for those you love. I have lived this and I have witnessed this and I have learned to use boundaries and consequences to violations of boundaries in order to get myself to a safe place for me to survive.
I truly believe that you care about these people, but I’m wondering if you care about yourself. And I’m wondering if you place enough emphasis on your own well-being in order to be a positive influence for those you love.
If they truly love you, they will recognize that you are only human and you have limits. They will also appreciate hearing from you what you need in order to take care of yourself. Because ultimately, when we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t care to the best of our ability for those we love. You mentioned this about not being able to care for a child.
So my suggestion is to spend more time doing the exercise that Sideways shared, and then invest enough time in recognizing your need for more boundaries and creating those boundaries and presenting those boundaries to your loved ones in order for them to demonstrate whether they love you in return or not.
This is not an easy task. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes perseverance. But most importantly, it takes kindness in presenting your needs to others.
My son and I both have serious issues. But we love one another enough to speak the truth to one another in love, to recognize the others’ need to care for themselves, and to agree to disagree, agreeably on every single point that we don’t share in common or cannot come to an agreement on. I hope that some of what I shared will help you get to a better place and be better able to care for yourself and the loved ones in your life.
You are the only one who can determine whether a loved one is truly toxic to your life and therefore may possibly need to be move to an outer circle, or even possibly removed altogether. The goal before that would happen would be to put boundaries in place that have consequences attached to them. To address situations that cross your boundaries after the boundaries have been explained and the consequences have been understood.
Personally, it took one year before I became physically safe, and it has taken two years of putting boundaries and consequences in place before I am approaching being emotionally safe with someone that unfortunately I am attached to whether I like it or not. I have very few options. I do the best I can, and I move forward to the best of my ability. And I definitely continue to tighten my boundaries with this person every time they violate my boundaries. Hope this helps to give you encouragement and direction. I hope for a better future in your life.

 

[Calmdown]

The problem is that I'm surrounded by people who are so preoccupied with themselves. Not because I don't matter to them but because they have a disorder. I told nearly all of them that I'm not feeling well but it has no effect. I guess I need to be very blunt with them, because if I'm too diplomatic it doesn't work but it is harder to actually be that blunt than just writing about it. Some understand but still don't spare me and some just don't understand it at all. The people that understand will react less harsh when I'm going to be blunt and just don't do anything anymore for them but the people who don't understand will think bad of me and will react to it in a difficult way. There is no easy way out, disorder or not. I mean I just want everyone to feel well and safe but they burden me with so many things that it becomes impossible to help and not neglect myself.
Today I thought I have one day for me where I could just relax and only care for myself ... yeah that didn't work out, even one god damn day.
So yes you are right, it is very important that I solve this problem but it is very difficult for me.

 

[PamelaS]

The problem is that I'm surrounded by people who are so preoccupied with themselves. Not because I don't matter to them but because they have a disorder. I told nearly all of them that I'm not feeling well but it has no effect. I guess I need to be very blunt with them, because if I'm too diplomatic it doesn't work but it is harder to actually be that blunt than just writing about it. Some understand but still don't spare me and some just don't understand it at all. The people that understand will react less harsh when I'm going to be blunt and just don't do anything anymore for them but the people who don't understand will think bad of me and will react to it in a difficult way. There is no easy way out, disorder or not. I mean I just want everyone to feel well and safe but they burden me with so many things that it becomes impossible to help and not neglect myself.
Today I thought I have one day for me where I could just relax and only care for myself ... yeah that didn't work out, even one god damn day.
So yes you are right, it is very important that I solve this problem but it is very difficult for me.

Thank you for explaining your situation further. I can relate. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (from my research it should be CPTSD), anxiety, depression and a diagnosis that I do not agree with. In addition, I have not been diagnosed with ADHD, autism-high functioning and dyslexia, although I am almost certain that I should be. So, I get it.
There IS HOPE!!! You can take control of your circumstances, to a certain extent. It may not end up perfect, but it will end up better. I understand completely the responses that you have explained from the people around you. My husband has lived in denial all of his life that he has done anything wrong, or has conditions that are potentially harmful to others. I had to move back to the house with him because of a financial situation that he created that did not allow me to afford my apartment anymore. It took me one year to establish physical safety. And now after two years of hard work with boundaries, I think that I am approaching emotional safety. In order to heal from CPTSD, the first step is to establish safety, both physical and emotional. And yes, I had to be very blunt with him. But I think I finally got the point across. But as you can see, it has not been an easy road. And I have needed to be very perseverant, very direct, but very kind at the same time. The kindness is the key in not having them hate you. Expressing your love and care for them before you express your needs, and how they are harming you, will make it softer on them. But some people are very hardheaded, and very consumed in their own stuff. That doesn’t excuse behavior that is harmful to other people. They are responsible to change whatever they’re doing to harm other people, or else the people who are being harmed have the right to step away, even temporarily, until they learned that they can’t keep treating you that way. I will be happy to walk alongside you in this process. It has been extremely difficult for me as I have been living in the same house with my abuser for two years, getting constantly triggered of the trauma. Today I start my first appointment with a trauma informed therapist. I am so excited. I fired my last trauma therapist. That’s another story. So, just to let you know that I understand and I’m willing to help guide you in the process. You can improve your situation. Please remain hopeful. Please remain determined to learn how to balance caring for yourself while caring for others. It is possible. Best wishes to you.

 

[deno]

You’re exhausted, stretched thin, and no one seems to really see it. Not because they don’t care, but because they’re so wrapped up in their own chaos. And that makes it even harder to step back without guilt.

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to earn your right to rest.

If you keep waiting for them to recognize your breaking point, you’ll just keep breaking. It’s time to stop asking for space and start taking it. Be blunt, step back, let people be upset if they have to be. The right ones will understand, the wrong ones will show themselves.

You matter just as much as they do. It’s okay to choose yourself.

 

[PamelaS]

You’re exhausted, stretched thin, and no one seems to really see it. Not because they don’t care, but because they’re so wrapped up in their own chaos. And that makes it even harder to step back without guilt.

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to earn your right to rest.

If you keep waiting for them to recognize your breaking point, you’ll just keep breaking. It’s time to stop asking for space and start taking it. Be blunt, step back, let people be upset if they have to be. The right ones will understand, the wrong ones will show themselves.

You matter just as much as they do. It’s okay to choose yourself.

Boundaries are how you do that. Start learning about healthy boundaries and start putting them in place, bluntly if you have to. I have had to be extremely blunt. And don’t apologize for taking care of yourself. It might take some time and practice to stop apologizing, but you will get to a better place. Change isn’t something that people generally like, so expect push back. But stand your ground and keep practicing. You will eventually be able to do it without offending people, because eventually they will begin to learn the new way of doing things. Celebrate each win. Celebrate each step you take in this direction. Enjoy your life, don’t just endure it. Schedule time for yourself. And then prioritize the time that you allow yourself to support and help others. Eventually, you will find a healthy balance between caring for yourself and caring for others. Looking forward to hearing how it goes along the way. You have some encouragers here. Reach out anytime. Good luck.

 

[deno]

Boundaries are how you take your life back. And yeah, at first, it’ll feel unnatural, maybe even harsh. People won’t like it. But that’s their discomfort, not yours to fix.

 

[Charbella]

I agree boundaries are the issue here.

I know lots of people with ADHD and I disagree heartily with your sentiment that they are all self centered. What you describe is a narcissistic person which you’re family can have more than one disorder.

Some people are self centered and happen to have adhd. You’re over generalizing and I find it offensive as someone who has ADHD. I find I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out other people’s needs and fulfilling them because my mind tends to see patterns and when someone is off it becomes something I fixate on. Some people with ADHD have learned to live with and thrive with their disorder, without meds or therapy. I have systems for everything which makes me a bit OCD because if I drop my system chaos reigns.

I can hear how overwhelmed you are dealing with your family, I get it mine are tough too. I’d even say they have varying degrees of ADHD for quite a few. But what my family has in common that makes them difficult isn’t their diagnosis it’s that they’re demanding, even those who don’t have symptoms of ADHD. Everyone feels entitled to my time…because as I’m discovering in therapy now, it’s who I’ve always been. Want something solved, done, worked at-Charbella will do it. Yes that meant anything including the one everyone came to to complain about others.

I removed myself from the equation. A major work in progress that I sometimes absolutely suck at. I stopped saying yes by not answering the phone, not being always available. I still help but not to the extent I once did where I basically drop everything that matters to me in order to help them. I see the pattern of my mom and how she will call every 6 weeks and want help with a project, I anticipate the call and prep myself with the ground rules. I cannot do Sunday. I need it to cook for the week, be calm and ready for another work week. I will not drive to you, you want my help, show up at my house, these are the times I’m available.

Boundaries are a double edge sword for me, the amount I’ve had to back out of things means no one relies on me, which means I get less good contact too. It means I have to reach out more to some because they don’t want me to do something for them doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with them. Even those family members with ADHD get that I’m no longer the go to.