Relationship Ex Possibly With Someone Else!!

[HurtandConfused]

Hello everyone just another post to reach out for a little support I guess. Well since my last post we have had no real contact. It recently came to light that she may be seeing someone else. I never worried initially because she had told me this person was her cousin (turns out he isn't and she lied). Fast forward until today I find out he was staying over at her house, we are not even broken up 2 months. I confronted her and she insisted there is nothing going on. She still says she feels cold towards me and everyone and that she fell out of love with me because I mentally abused her. I asked her about therapy and she said she aint been in few weeks (she had only started few weeks previous).

I feel like no matter what I do I am always going to be public enemy no1. Has anybody any advice for me if it turns out she is with this new guy? I think if it was the case I would officially be a broken man.
She seems to be looking for reasons to fall out with me. I can't talk to friends because twisted parts of conversations with them get back to her and make it worse. :(

Today has been a tough day. I really am loosing hope that there will be an acknowledgement of her behaviour anytime soon :(

 

[Casey_03]

Honestly, this may be the best thing that could happen, because it seems like you have been stuck in a weird sort of relationship purgatory despite being broken up. If you guys broke up and she made it clear she doesn't want to be with you, it wouldn't really work to stay friends. That never works in these situations. So I would try to look at this as a blessing in a disguise, and a sign to let her go and move on. I know that's not easy, but it's necessary. You're just tormenting yourself by constantly hoping she'll change her mind and come around.

 

[Deadman]

OK, @HurtandConfused why do you think you are going to (or even should) get an 'acknowledgement of her behaviour'? I know you are hurting but sometimes relationships don't work out. Many times neither party understands why.

Sometimes love is not enough.

 

[HurtandConfused]

Yes I know you are probably right it is just so hard It was a 4 year relationship. It kills me to think she has moved on so quick. she told me when she broke up with me she doesn't want anyone else and there is no way she could be intimate with someone and to think she could be lying is crushing!! I was step daddy for 4 years and not sure what to do with regards to the kid. She does seem to be completely destructive at the minute and although she has made it clear she has broken up with me its so hard for me to stop caring. I am full of love for her ....I wish I knew how to put myself first like I know I should. Im not over her :(

 

[Deadman]

Yup. I get that. Its not an easy place to be.

 

[HurtandConfused]

@Deadman I don't know why probably just wish to be able to speak to her again. I guess your right tho just can't understand how it was so good and now so messy with such hostility towards me. I guess I'm just struggling at the minute I know she owes me nothing but yet I feel abandoned and like I have been wronged! Really wish I didn't :(

 

[Deadman]

I really do understand. My ex essentially kicked me out while saying PTSD was my problem and not hers. She was with her new boyfriend in less than a month. We had been married for about 15 years.

It hurts. Bad. Not much you can do about it though.

 

[HurtandConfused]

Im sorry to hear that. Life has a funny way of unfolding! I know time is the great healer its just hard in the meantime. I didn't know how much I could hurt and to be honest have no idea how to take it from here. If she is lying to me like my friends believe her to be doing I have to pull the plug because as I said it will kill me. How do I progress from here? Any tips on how to find "myself again"?

 

[Deadman]

I don't think you have any choice. It looks like she has already pulled the plug.

You are not lost. You don't need to find yourself.

Do all the things you used to do before you met her. Recontact all those old friends you didn't have time for once you met her. Go out. Have drinks. Be you. Look for what you can have, not what you can't.

 

[HurtandConfused]

@Deadman thanks solid advice! I forget what I enjoy I feel at a complete lose end my head just spinning. I think its the new news that she is possibly hooking up with another after telling me she didn't want another relationship for a long time. I knew to expect it just didn't think it would come :(. Also the hour spent tonight talking to her and her reassuring me face to face that nothing going on with the other guy my friends seem to think its all lies. I don't know if PTSD is anything to do with the lying but regardless it hurts bad!!

 

[Justmehere]

I feel like no matter what I do I am always going to be public enemy no1. Has anybody any advice for me if it turns out she is with this new guy?

Don't do anything different. Don't continue to try to find out what she is doing and who she is with. When friends bring her up, tell them to drop it. Take time to grieve the loss of the 4 year relationship with her and her child, and walk away.

She's your ex, and she would have likely wound up with someone sooner or later, and it looks like it might have been sooner. That's painful, but it's totally her right. It might be a rebound relationship... who knows.

I can't talk to friends because twisted parts of conversations with them get back to her and make it worse. :(

The situation with the friends gossiping about you to her is triangulation, and it may be will meaning, but is going to make anyone even more heart sick after a breakup. It's very toxic. Set a boundary with friends that you need them to not try to share info back and forth. It's just prolonging your process of being able to move past her.

As far as her possibly lying or not, it seems like a lot of speculation by friends who might be trying to encourage you to let her go. Ignore their speculations, and instead focus on letting her go.

The more you treat the relationship like it's over, and the less you try to figure out what's going on with her and her life, the better you will be able to get through this and more likely this post-breakup gossip will die down as well. It's super hard to do, but it will help you to not continue to have your heart re-broken over and over. Give yourself the space to heal.

If friends are not much of a support, and you find yourself continuing to struggle, a round of counseling might help make it through this rough patch. You didn't just lose her, but the child that you were like a step dad too - so it makes sense that you are quite heartbroken. Everyone needs support sometimes.

This is EXCELLENT advice:

Do all the things you used to do before you met her. Recontact all those old friends you didn't have time for once you met her. Go out. Have drinks. Be you. Look for what you can have, not what you can't.

You know why there are so many songs about break-ups? Because even without PTSD and children in the mix, they can be hella painful. Eventually, the pain will get better, and you be able to move forward. :hug:

 

[HurtandConfused]

@Justmehere thanks so much for all the advice. It is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to face. How to stop yourself caring about someone you don't want to stop caring about! I think I'm struggling with the memories of how it used to be, how she used to be. I know that regardless of weather it is PTSD related or not what has happened has happened, Its just so hard to believe the woman I love has gone. She is blaming, untrusting and completely cold towards me. I think in my own head I tell myself it is PTSD related and I can't be mad at her for being ill. I think if PTSD wasn't in the mix things would be a little more straight forward, I could be pissed off with her. Im just the kind of guy who wants to make sure I have done everything in my power to help someone I care about incase there is a slight glimmer of hope but I guess the truth of the matter is I may never know :(. I see a pattern forming, her parents always thought she had ADHD as a kind and since adulthood it has been one disaster after another for her. She got married young that lasted 7 years in which time she had, what now after being diagnosed with PTSD can be described as episodes in which she was fuelled with drink and completely gone off the rails lost job, contact with parents and attempted suicide etc and in this time yet more traumatic experiences had happened to her. Needless to say her marriage ended and she met me. We had 4 years and now she is exhibiting the exact same behaviour she has cut all ties with me to partake in the same activities that caused her some much trauma previously. I feel completely powerless and just have to watch it unfold. I can only hope this time that she acknowledges the PTSD and continues to get help and maybe he destructive behaviour won't last as long as previous episodes.

It definitely has to be said that PTSD is a horrible monster!!! :(