Sexual Assault Possible sexual assault by father or someone else?



When I was a little kid I had no memories of sexual events or being molested. However I was a weird child. I compulsively touched myself from the age of 5 and up. I was afraid to be alone in the bathroom, especially showering. And I often needed someone in there with me at least for showering up until the age of 12. Now keep in mind I might have been going through extreme anxiety of being alone. By the age of 3 I already had anxiety and by the age of 11 I for sure had cptsd and depression. It wasn’t until I turned 16 and had sex for the first time with my then boyfriend that things started to come up. I started getting these awful nightmares of my father raping or molesting me. Sometimes I would fight back in them (being of older age in the nightmare) and sometimes I felt like a little kid who didn’t understand what was going on and just “went along with it”. I often woke up repulsed of myself and terrified of my dad. My dad was sexually abused when he was a kid and he didn’t have the best boundaries. He would sometimes touch my inner thigh casually resting his hand between my legs or stare at my chest. This was by the time I was 18. I asked my mother if he could ever do that to me and she said no she was sure he would never do the very thing to me that affected his life so badly. He would never become that. Idk if that’s the case. Maybe I was molested by a male figure and my brain puts my dad in that position since he already affected me greatly growing up being emotionally abusive. Another possibility is that I just created a false memory “feeling” from all the emotional trauma. Every time I think about it, it bothers me a lot, making me feel like I’m forgetting something important or forgetting something I need to know. But I’ve searched my memories for years and even though I do have gaps I can never find a memory of anyone touching me inappropriately. Is it possible the nightmare could be telling me something? Or should I just chalk it up to false memories?
Is it possible the nightmare could be telling me something? Or should I just chalk it up to false memories?
Or perhaps option 3 - get yourself some professional support to work through the issues in a safe way. If the level of anxiety you’ve described having as a child has carried over into your adult life at all, get it sorted. Life doesn’t need to be this hard or this distressing.