Lioness037
New Here
I've been on this site, watching/ reading and thought it was time to share my story. (Sorry in advance for the long post)
I met my ex on-line a few months ago. He mentioned PTSD once while we were talking before wee met. I never asked him to elaborate but I thought because of his lack of mentioning it that it was under control. We met and I saw no meds and he never mentioned seeing a doc at the time. He said he had though, another reason I thought it was under control. He is in the army and has been overseas a number of times. He was in a medi-vac unit and saw a lot of craziness. He rarely shared anything with me. I always thought I don't want to put him back in those disgusting situations so I won't ask.
I began noticing things, like he kept me at an arms length. (we live a ways apart and only had weekends to see each other but communicated through text.) He was always a bit cold in his texts, I told him this but he kept right on texting, so I often questioned us in my mind. When we saw each other stuff was intense. He would tell me all this wonderful, amazing stuff and always spoke of our future (which scared me since we'd just started dating).
He didn't have any "true" friends, except me. And never saw/ spoke to his sister who lived a half hour away. He had his army "buddies" who he rarely did anything with.
So I immediately became his everything. We started dating in Oct and it ended right after Valentine's. We spent every holiday together. I was neglecting me, my family and friends for him. All this time he kept doing stuff to knock my socks off, like I'd ask for one thing for Xmas and he get me 20 things... they were all the same but different.
A couple of weeks later we have our first argument. I suffer from deep depression so my defence at first is to start shutting down. He never yelled but spoke sternly and I barely responded so he walked away and drove home. I found out later he spent the night drinking on his own.
He also had begun drinking a lot with me. When we met he had beer in his fridge so I thought he drank every once in a while. That's also what he told me. I offered him some wine with dinner and that one bottle became two then 2 and a half and it eventually increased to the point of him buying us enough alcohol to get us drunk for the entire weekend.
The intimacy died but I just thought the honeymoon phase was over for him.
Also, in the beginning, we did things together... like go out places. In the end all we were doing was eating, sleeping and drinking and watching the occasional movie.
The last time I saw him was Valentine's weekend. Things were so great and he romanced me like no other man has before. I continuously let him know this. He confessed that he was falling in love with me (because I asked) and that the l word was very tough for him to say and he never said it unless he meant it. (we'd even discussed it before and I said I don't understand your fear of that word, but I do understand that you can't say it till you mean it.) I still knew very little of PTSD but I was always very understanding of his feelings.
The following weekend is when it all began. I was texting him while he was working and it was like I was conversing with someone else at times. The next day he went to buy stuff and I asked why and responded with a hmmmmm and he got very defensive, acting like I was accusing him of something. The next night I told him that I needed his help with something and he responded with I know you can do it. Needless to say, I was tossing and turning all night over thinking about everything- him, me, us, house, some personal crud.
The following morning I sent my usual good morning text, he asked if I'd slept well and I said no so he asked why and I said "it's nothing... I'd rather not talk about it." I get a text back saying he would like to know and wants to help me. How can I expect him to be the bf I need if I won't let him in? So I tell him some, he freaks out about the us comment (I made a comment about how I feel he is un-supportive at times. I used the wrong word. He was always very supportive, I meant to say non chalant. I takes meds that make me know what I want to say but I end up using the wrong words) I apologized profusely for this but he just got more and more mad. He ended up missing our weekend together and we were still talking but he was pulling away. I said if you need time to think then let's quit speaking and you contact me when you're ready. He didn't want that. But he was pulling farther away.
This is when I remembered his PTSD and decided to look it up. I guess I did too little too late. I was hurting and questioning everything because he was shutting the door more and more. Because of my depression I was over thinking and talking to friends who didn't understand our situation and were prompting a break up. I could barely get him to answer my questions or speak of us. I read that it is best to keep everything normal but I couldn't, I needed answers. One day I let everything go on him, after he told me he had to work that weekend (another week without seeing him). He ended up breaking up with me, taking all the blame and saying he never wanted to hurt me again. I felt like I had been slapped. I told him then that I thought he was doing the wrong thing but so be it.
Well I stewed and wrote him the following morning with "I just wanted to be let in. it seems you're incapable of that. Keep that in mind for the future" I got no response.
I stewed some more and wrote 2 days later with "I want to remain friends. I still care! Let's not lose all communication and keep talking." No response.
I was still stewing and wrote him one last time "I'm guessing from your lack of response that you hate me so goodbye and good luck." No response.
I do want him to come back but I doubt he will now. I basically shut my side of the door too with that last message! Plus I know this will happen again and if I'm hurting this much now then I know it'll hurt more next time. I doubt we are good for each other also if he triggers my depression and I think my depression is a trigger for him... how can we live like that? I do still care very much and do hope he does open contact in the future so we can be friends. I know I've only taken a few steps into the world of PTSD and know very little but I know what it is like to feel alone and I hate for anyone to feel like that.
I met my ex on-line a few months ago. He mentioned PTSD once while we were talking before wee met. I never asked him to elaborate but I thought because of his lack of mentioning it that it was under control. We met and I saw no meds and he never mentioned seeing a doc at the time. He said he had though, another reason I thought it was under control. He is in the army and has been overseas a number of times. He was in a medi-vac unit and saw a lot of craziness. He rarely shared anything with me. I always thought I don't want to put him back in those disgusting situations so I won't ask.
I began noticing things, like he kept me at an arms length. (we live a ways apart and only had weekends to see each other but communicated through text.) He was always a bit cold in his texts, I told him this but he kept right on texting, so I often questioned us in my mind. When we saw each other stuff was intense. He would tell me all this wonderful, amazing stuff and always spoke of our future (which scared me since we'd just started dating).
He didn't have any "true" friends, except me. And never saw/ spoke to his sister who lived a half hour away. He had his army "buddies" who he rarely did anything with.
So I immediately became his everything. We started dating in Oct and it ended right after Valentine's. We spent every holiday together. I was neglecting me, my family and friends for him. All this time he kept doing stuff to knock my socks off, like I'd ask for one thing for Xmas and he get me 20 things... they were all the same but different.
A couple of weeks later we have our first argument. I suffer from deep depression so my defence at first is to start shutting down. He never yelled but spoke sternly and I barely responded so he walked away and drove home. I found out later he spent the night drinking on his own.
He also had begun drinking a lot with me. When we met he had beer in his fridge so I thought he drank every once in a while. That's also what he told me. I offered him some wine with dinner and that one bottle became two then 2 and a half and it eventually increased to the point of him buying us enough alcohol to get us drunk for the entire weekend.
The intimacy died but I just thought the honeymoon phase was over for him.
Also, in the beginning, we did things together... like go out places. In the end all we were doing was eating, sleeping and drinking and watching the occasional movie.
The last time I saw him was Valentine's weekend. Things were so great and he romanced me like no other man has before. I continuously let him know this. He confessed that he was falling in love with me (because I asked) and that the l word was very tough for him to say and he never said it unless he meant it. (we'd even discussed it before and I said I don't understand your fear of that word, but I do understand that you can't say it till you mean it.) I still knew very little of PTSD but I was always very understanding of his feelings.
The following weekend is when it all began. I was texting him while he was working and it was like I was conversing with someone else at times. The next day he went to buy stuff and I asked why and responded with a hmmmmm and he got very defensive, acting like I was accusing him of something. The next night I told him that I needed his help with something and he responded with I know you can do it. Needless to say, I was tossing and turning all night over thinking about everything- him, me, us, house, some personal crud.
The following morning I sent my usual good morning text, he asked if I'd slept well and I said no so he asked why and I said "it's nothing... I'd rather not talk about it." I get a text back saying he would like to know and wants to help me. How can I expect him to be the bf I need if I won't let him in? So I tell him some, he freaks out about the us comment (I made a comment about how I feel he is un-supportive at times. I used the wrong word. He was always very supportive, I meant to say non chalant. I takes meds that make me know what I want to say but I end up using the wrong words) I apologized profusely for this but he just got more and more mad. He ended up missing our weekend together and we were still talking but he was pulling away. I said if you need time to think then let's quit speaking and you contact me when you're ready. He didn't want that. But he was pulling farther away.
This is when I remembered his PTSD and decided to look it up. I guess I did too little too late. I was hurting and questioning everything because he was shutting the door more and more. Because of my depression I was over thinking and talking to friends who didn't understand our situation and were prompting a break up. I could barely get him to answer my questions or speak of us. I read that it is best to keep everything normal but I couldn't, I needed answers. One day I let everything go on him, after he told me he had to work that weekend (another week without seeing him). He ended up breaking up with me, taking all the blame and saying he never wanted to hurt me again. I felt like I had been slapped. I told him then that I thought he was doing the wrong thing but so be it.
Well I stewed and wrote him the following morning with "I just wanted to be let in. it seems you're incapable of that. Keep that in mind for the future" I got no response.
I stewed some more and wrote 2 days later with "I want to remain friends. I still care! Let's not lose all communication and keep talking." No response.
I was still stewing and wrote him one last time "I'm guessing from your lack of response that you hate me so goodbye and good luck." No response.
I do want him to come back but I doubt he will now. I basically shut my side of the door too with that last message! Plus I know this will happen again and if I'm hurting this much now then I know it'll hurt more next time. I doubt we are good for each other also if he triggers my depression and I think my depression is a trigger for him... how can we live like that? I do still care very much and do hope he does open contact in the future so we can be friends. I know I've only taken a few steps into the world of PTSD and know very little but I know what it is like to feel alone and I hate for anyone to feel like that.
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