BlueWeepingRose
Silver Member
I'm so exhausted from everything. I sleep a lot, mainly because of being abused by my ex, being raped by him and never speaking about it. I feel stupid for never going to cops about it but I felt if I did, he'd hurt me or something worse. I covered up for the abuse and than told people it's not so bad and I have no idea why I'm upset. I was denial of it all, kept making excuses for everything and living in denial for years about it. Several times I'd cry and think about when we first met and when things were good. We dated on and off for six years or long, that I completely lost track of time. I took him back simply because I thought he would change and because I loved him. I'm sure you've heard all of this before from others. So much hope for someone to change, but they never do. Always thinking of good memories and it never coming because the bad ones seems to overlap them. Being silent has exhausted me, it's worn me out. I feel like I have to keep fighting, though there's nothing to fight for.
I just need to heal from it all. I don't feel safe. Everything scares me. Even people. I fear that everyone is out to get me, hurt me, abuse me or try to bring me down, the way he did. It's exhausting living with my mother and her acting as if everything is so tough for her. Hearing her complain and cry about things. Anytime I speak about my pain, she simply tells me to move on and I gotten out of the relationship last year. She's not very comforting or understanding. She's toxic and I want to get away from her. I'm on disability and trying to find a way to move out, but I know I need to start working again. This is where people don't sympathize with me simply because I'm not working, but I'm unable to because of anxiety and flashback's.
Now I know, I need to try to push myself to work even if it's a little bit or if it'll be painful for me, because I know if I'll ever heal fully is if I get away my household. That's how toxic and exhausting it is. That's why I always feel like I always have to fight... to defend myself, anything because I'm always criticized by her or called fat. "You need to lose a little bit of weight." "You look very skinny." Nothing is ever good enough. I'm tired of it all. It's just a never ending cycle that never stops and I'm so exhausted from it all. I know I've been posting a lot lately and I realized the reason why I feel the way I do is simple. I'm exhausted simply because I'm around people who don't understand, show me compassion and constantly be criticized. It's very very negative and now I'll do just about anything to try to get out of my house. To work, to save up money, anything to get out. My mother suggested a group home, but I don't know if that's something I want. I rather have my own free space where I can be responsible and be free for once.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and me ranting on about all of this. It's something, that I've bottled up and I promised myself that I wouldn't bottle up things anymore. I just want to talk about it, so I can heal and move on from everything. So I can heal.
I just need to heal from it all. I don't feel safe. Everything scares me. Even people. I fear that everyone is out to get me, hurt me, abuse me or try to bring me down, the way he did. It's exhausting living with my mother and her acting as if everything is so tough for her. Hearing her complain and cry about things. Anytime I speak about my pain, she simply tells me to move on and I gotten out of the relationship last year. She's not very comforting or understanding. She's toxic and I want to get away from her. I'm on disability and trying to find a way to move out, but I know I need to start working again. This is where people don't sympathize with me simply because I'm not working, but I'm unable to because of anxiety and flashback's.
Now I know, I need to try to push myself to work even if it's a little bit or if it'll be painful for me, because I know if I'll ever heal fully is if I get away my household. That's how toxic and exhausting it is. That's why I always feel like I always have to fight... to defend myself, anything because I'm always criticized by her or called fat. "You need to lose a little bit of weight." "You look very skinny." Nothing is ever good enough. I'm tired of it all. It's just a never ending cycle that never stops and I'm so exhausted from it all. I know I've been posting a lot lately and I realized the reason why I feel the way I do is simple. I'm exhausted simply because I'm around people who don't understand, show me compassion and constantly be criticized. It's very very negative and now I'll do just about anything to try to get out of my house. To work, to save up money, anything to get out. My mother suggested a group home, but I don't know if that's something I want. I rather have my own free space where I can be responsible and be free for once.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and me ranting on about all of this. It's something, that I've bottled up and I promised myself that I wouldn't bottle up things anymore. I just want to talk about it, so I can heal and move on from everything. So I can heal.
