Eye contact with t

[Emotional girl]

I have been seeing my T for about 5 months now on and off and I have actually got to the point where I am starting to trust him which is a really big thing for me as I have never trusted a T before and I find it very difficult to trust people in general.
Last week I cried properly for the first time in front of him and even managed to tell him that he hurt my feelings in another session so I have managed to show him my vulnerabilities.
I even managed to tell him that I have some transference issues towards him and he has been perfectly fine about it.So basically I would say that on the whole we have got quite a good therapeutic relationship.
The main problem I have had all along since we started therapy togeather is that I really have trouble with eye contact with him.I go into the room with him and look at him for about a minute whilst he asks me "how I am and how my week has been" but then after that I spend the rest of the session avoiding his face ,I could quite easily tell you all about his shoes and the clothes he wears as that what I spend most of my time looking at.
Today he brought up the issue and said "that I could find it difficult reading people as I hardly look at them" and that he knows that I have difficulty with eye contact.
Throughout our session and I can feel him trying to catch my eye quite alot but I just look down except on the odd occasion.
He is quite attactive but I do not think that is the specific problem as I have problems with making eye contact with most people (due to anxiety) and I think I would have the same problem with any therapist no matter what they looked like.
Does anyone else have the same problem with eye contact with their T ? and does anyone have any solutions to this problem?

 

[LoveTea]

Totally avoid eye contact whatsoever. I've barely ever looked at my T, I'm not even sure I could pick her out of a line up. She doesn't bring it up a lot, but occationally she will mention that it's harder when she can only go off body language. One session she had to sit on the floor in front of me because I was so quiet and she couldn't see my face. I wish I had a solution for you, or ways to help. But you aren't alone in this!

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you for your reply and making me see it not only me that feels this way.It is something that is really difficult to do if you are not used to it,I guess it is something that I have to practice at.

 

[shimmerz]

Dissociating throughout the appoint may cause that as well. I normally at good at looking people in the eye, so I always know that I am dissociating when I can't look at someone. It's a great clue for me. Is it just your doctor you have a hard with in this regard?

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you for your reply.
I really want to look at him as he is literally the first man who I feel safe in his company and hasn't hurt me and I would just like to be able to look back at him to show him that I trust him.
It is not only him that I have eye contact problems with this is a major problem I have in every day life as well.I think if I could do this with my T then maybe it could help in the future.

 

[Sideways]

I'm up to my 8th year of therapy, and I still don't make eye contact. Never have. Potentially never will.

When I started to understand that it was linked to my shame issues? I stopped worrying about the eye contact. It's now something I'm aware of, rather than concerned about. We work on my shame issues, and eventually the eye contact thing may resolve itself. But my overall attitude to it now is it's now something I have insight and awareness about, I know what it's telling me about how I'm feeling, and that's useful to me.

 

[NightSky]

I struggle with dissociating in sessions and sometimes remember very little from the conversation when I leave. That means I’m not able to carry over and use what I’m learning or feel whatever validation is coming my way. In order to work on this issue, I have to concentrate REALLY hard on what my T is saying. This leads to eye contact for much of the time she is talking. I can’t do it when I’m talking. And when she says something that I have to think about apparently I look up to either side because she has said she knows that’s how I’m checking in with myself.
There are a few things that help me stay “locked on.” Sometimes she writes on her clipboard and if she does that I look away and then have trouble reconnecting. But some sessions she will not take the clipboard out and will lean forward and stay (what feels to me) very connected. Then I can stay connected as well. (Only when she’s talking though.) the other thing that helps is we meet at night and the lighting is low. It feels less clinical and more calm and relaxed and I am able to look at her more directly then. I have to work on it every session and make myself do it. Otherwise I’m looking out the window or at my rings while I play with them. I agree with what @shimmerz says. I’m very good at eye contact in real life. So if even when she’s talking I can’t look at her, I’m checked out. I know it and she knows it. It’s our first clue.
It’s not easy but you can get there if it feels important to you. Just try for a few seconds at a time. Gradually increase it as you can tolerate it.

 

[Bristol]

I never make eye contact with my T either, i stare at the play-doh i play with in my hands, always feel bad about it like im being rude but she has never challenged me on it in well over a year so i dont think its unusual at all.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you very much everyone for your replies.It seems that this quite a common problem for people in therapy and I am glad that you have shared your problems and solutions with me as it is good to know that I am not alone.
I think quite a lot of the way I am feeling is due to my own negative thoughts and the connotations if I give him eye contact.It is definitely something that I need to improve on but maybe it is a slow process.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

It took me a lot of years to be able to make more than just fleeting eye contact with my T. My emotions tell me that if I look at him and let our eyes connect, he'll see everything I'm holding inside and something horrible will happen. I know the truth is that if we make eye contact, he'll have a better understanding of how I'm feeling, and nothing horrible happened. It took me 4 years to find out what color eyes he had - so I definitely know what it is to not look.

I'm glad you're able to trust your T. That's huge. As awkward as it is, do you think this is something you could bring up with him? I've find that when I hit a stumbling block in therapy, I usually don't get over it until I actually discuss it with T.

It takes a lot of courage to even WANT to make eye contact, so be sure to give yourself some credit for that.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you very much for your reply.I can definitely relate to a lot of what you have written especially the part about where I am scared of what he will discover inside if he looks into my eyes.
As part of my homework this week I have to write about my negative thoughts and lack of eye contact and how it makes me feel so hopefully it will be something we discuss in greater detail in next weeks session.

 

[Butterflies2023]

I most certainly identify with Nightsky's comments. The focusing on eye contact with the T to remember what was said. So often I would tell myself - "now you are going to remember this and when you get to the car write it down"... then few times that might work. And so often during that visit I would look off to the side and my gosh I am back in history - I wonder if the T knew that's where I was. It's miserable. Sometimes I wonder if I have Alzheimer's but now maybe it's really the dissociating I do. It's so easy