Still in contact with abuser?

[amicableDog6980]

If you're still in contact with your abuser why? How did you repair the relationship? How did you create a sense of safety while being around them?

I cut all contact with my family when they refused to acknowledge the wrongs that had been done and apologize. After my dad died, mom apologized for everything. I believe her apology was genuine so I let her back into my life. I had thought her acknowledgment and apology were enough, but I am still scared of her. My fear of her wasn't constant so I guess I ignored it and went with the flow and had fun hanging out with her. A couple of weeks ago I started seeing a new counselor (been in counseling on and off for years with many different counselors) because I haven't fully healed. I realized that what I had thought was a bit much or was bad but mom was doing the best she knew to do, that it was actually physical abuse. That realization disrupts my relationship with my mom. She hasn't been to a counselor about how dad abused her and us kids, and how he convinced her to use excessive force (physical abuse), so even though she apologized she doesn't fully understand how bad it all was so if I talk to her about my realization it won't do any good, but I'm not comfortable ignoring that realization and going on with life as though nothing happened. So I thought I'd ask about other people's experiences.

 

[arfie]

i find myself a bit anxious that this is a loaded question, but here goes. take what you like and leave the rest.

for both my personal healing and my relationships with people i have had abusive relationships with, i started with reframing the "abuser/victim" model, along with many other dualistic simplicities which paint life in black/white, either/or, etc., etc. life is seldom that simple, especially not in matters of the heart. my mental illness is not the sum total of who and what i am. ditto for other people.

 

[Friday]

I’ve dated & or been beloved by …idfk… how many people who had forged different relationships with their abusers.

So it was absolutely normal for me, with my exhusband to accept his “new” relationships with his abusers. YOU say they are okay? Finis. But… nope. HE was just feeding more children through the abuse grinder. So I cut all contact. With them. With me / our children. You abuse kids, and you can die by my hand, or? f*ck off. The wise ones f*cked off. They’d been thriving for decades, so that parses. Even the JUDGE in our divorce was confused, by the Ex not even denying the systematic sexual abuse of children, then banned all contact. Which my ex has consistently attempted to disrupt/deny. NOPE. f*ck YOU, and f*ck off, my child goes nooooooowhere near these pricks. Or I will kill them all, and keep you alive as long as physically possible, until you finally die. I got an education on torture ON the rack, so I can ffs prolong a death for infinitely longer than is humane. Cross me, hurt my kid, and you will die by INCHES. Centimeters. Over as long a time as possible as I can devise. Which is seeeriously schooled in such things.

However?

In my own experience, the overwhelming majority of people, change, over time.

Select assholes, simply don’t.

So my son “lost” more than half of his family.

As my ex’s family are MOSTLY assholes & pedophiles.

A few were not. The rest? Lost access. Full stop.

 

[PamelaS]

I’ve dated & or been beloved by …idfk… how many people who had forged different relationships with their abusers.

So it was absolutely normal for me, with my exhusband to accept his “new” relationships with his abusers. YOU say they are okay? Finis. But… nope. HE was just feeding more children through the abuse grinder. So I cut all contact. With them. With me / our children. You abuse kids, and you can die by my hand, or? f*ck off. The wise ones f*cked off. They’d been thriving for decades, so that parses. Even the JUDGE in our divorce was confused, by the Ex not even denying the systematic sexual abuse of children, then banned all contact. Which my ex has consistently attempted to disrupt/deny. NOPE. f*ck YOU, and f*ck off, my child goes nooooooowhere near these pricks. Or I will kill them all, and keep you alive as long as physically possible, until you finally die. I got an education on torture ON the rack, so I can ffs prolong a death for infinitely longer than is humane. Cross me, hurt my kid, and you will die by INCHES. Centimeters. Over as long a time as possible as I can devise. Which is seeeriously schooled in such things.

However?

In my own experience, the overwhelming majority of people, change, over time.

Select assholes, simply don’t.

So my son “lost” more than half of his family.

As my ex’s family are MOSTLY assholes & pedophiles.

A few were not. The rest? Lost access. Full stop.

We have more than just trauma in common Friday. My ex is a pedophile too. It sucks. I get it. My son dreams about killing him for what he did to him. We are just trying to survive life. I wish I could do more than just survive, but my body has had more than it can handle. Pretty much my life is focused on just surviving and helping my son to survive. I can’t seem to get any farther. I have hopes that one day I might be able to function. But for now, I’m done.
Right now I am changed to a monster. I tried to escape and I was safe for eight years. But I am responsible for my son who is on the spectrum in addition to years of sexual abuse and sexual assaults. He’s a target. Now he just wants to bury his old life and transition to being a female, thinking that it might help. I have my doubts, but…
As far as having pity on our abusers, yes and no. Some of their issues come from being victims of trauma themselves, but some of it is just a matter of choosing to be evil. So, it depends on. Right now I am seeing changes in my husband as a result of being able to stand up to him in a way that is not evil. It will take many miracles for him to change, but at least he has stopped abusing me. One day at a time. One step at a time. And I wouldn’t be alive if I didn’t have God. I simply would not longer exist. Thanks for sharing your experience and what you have learned through your journey. Wishing you well.

Correction: Right now I am chained to a monster.