A trigger is a person's behavior that resembles the behavior of a deceased abuser.


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A trigger is a person's behavior that resembles the behavior of a deceased abuser. I feel at the same time inner fear, panic, aggression and pity for a person with similar behavior.

Since childhood, I have lived in a hostel, in an apartment consisting of two separate rooms, but with a common hall and a shared bathroom. My mother and I lived in one room, and our neighbors lived in another room. Our neighbors were a mother and son. The neighbor's son suffered from a mental disorder, which she hid from everyone, referring to the difficult nature of her son. When you don't know the whole truth about a person, you're only concerned about your safety, not the desire to help the person while it's still possible.

Unfortunately, I found out too late about the life story of a neighbor's boy and what injuries he had to face from early childhood, this information horrified me. Such events in his life and the indifference of his mother simply did not give him a chance to heal.

Since childhood, this boy showed aggression and had a tendency to manipulation, he got into unpleasant situations, got involved with bad companies and himself dragged everyone who was associated with him into negative situations and questionable surroundings. Already at a young age, he was engaged in theft, theft and torture of animals, acquired various addictions. His actions also influenced us, and he shifted the blame for his negative actions to others, including me. It didn't matter to him what crimes to accuse others of, stealing or harming an animal. His mother diligently shifted the blame on me and on my mother, out of a sense of her own shame for her mistakes in raising her son.

No one knows how to raise a child properly, but parents are responsible for raising a child. I was small and defenseless, and my mother was very gentle and non-confrontational, and she loved all children very much, so she did not defend her and my rights in a rude or persistent way. As a result, it looked like we agreed with the accusations against us. It was the first injury for me.

Later, he harassed me with the involvement of his friend, they were teenagers, and I was a small child, I remember everything that happened in this shared bathroom, I remember that I was saved from sexual violence by the return of one of the adults and everything stopped. But I was silent, I was very afraid of these boys.

As he grew up, things got worse, scandals, fights, physical and psychological abuse on his part against his mother and against us. It stopped for a short time, for one year, he went to prison for fraud and prison broke him completely. After returning from prison, he gave us a 3-year hell. Fights, physical and psychological violence, I defended both my mother and his mother. I had to defend myself both psychologically and physically and build a dialogue in such a way that he calmed down. One day he almost burned us down in the apartment, actually threatening to kill us.These situations led to the fact that his mother went to live in the village, unable to bear it anymore, and left us alone with him.

My mother was not going to leave this apartment, arguing that she had earned this apartment and would not leave here. Hell continued and we went through all the circles of hell 24/7. Aggressive and inappropriate behavior, physical and psychological violence, rape threats, murder threats, he was waiting for us and listening to us at our door, we were afraid to breathe and move, we were afraid to leave the room. I didn't go anywhere except to work, I was afraid to leave my mother alone. We were in constant telephone contact and she came to me at work. Meanwhile, constant parties with the use of alcohol, drugs and illegal substances continued, as well as orgies, terrible fights, the constant presence of people in an inadequate condition, we could not sleep, eat, go to the toilet (the bathroom is shared by these 2 rooms). It was very scary to live. I even learned not to breathe and freeze my whole body so as to create the feeling that I was not in the room. And the doctor once told me at a routine medical examination that I was practically not breathing. It's not normal to breathe like that.

During that period, I began to get sick a lot and all the diseases were mainly related to the lungs. The doctor said it was from stress, but I didn't say anything. No one helped us in such a difficult situation, neither the police, nor psychiatrists (without the consent of a neighbor, it was impossible to place him in a specialized hospital and prescribe appropriate medication for him), nor relatives, who only advised us to contact the police and a psychiatrist. We were at an impasse. This situation reached the point where a neighbor drove my mother to the point of wanting to kill him, I was not at home at that moment, she still does not understand how she gave up this idea, what saved her from committing this crime.

It all ended unexpectedly, the neighbor was in an inadequate condition again, he fell unsuccessfully, hit his head hard and fell into a coma, 40 days later he died. I didn't feel any relief. But I knew that we were temporarily safe.

For another six months I had the feeling that I had been deceived, it seemed to me that he had not died and he would come back again.

After a couple of years, I began to notice that when I meet people with the same behavior and with the same habits, I feel irritation, anger and hatred, and at the same time I feel inner fear and panic, I shake all over when I talk to people with similar behavior, I want to take a defensive position, to defend myself and behave aggressively, and at the same time I am afraid of losing control of my behavior and the situation, I am afraid to lose my temper or that this person may lose his temper and be dangerous to me.

Even when the situation does not imply any danger, I always see it. And at the same time, some time later, I feel sorry for this man, who is in the same condition as my neighbor, I begin to think about what happened to him, what made him like this. It's not normal.
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