Hello everyone,
I turned to this forum because I really don't understand my boyfriend and how his PTSD affects this relationship.
First I have to explain some things.
We have been together for over 4 years now. From the beginning we had a bunch of problems. Mainly caused by his PTSD and I have ADHD and i'm also possibly slightly autistic.
At some point he wanted to break up with me. But we talked about it and his idea was that I move out and we both work on ourselves and for him to get rid of the mindset he got from my behaviour and then move in with each other again and start new. This was at the end of last year.
However when I actually got a potential flat he told me that it would be better if I stay there.
And at the beginning of the year all the way to spring we did work on things and tried what stuff we can do together.
I am to this day not very pleased because we can't see each other every weekend but ok we were working on things and it was going pretty well.
But he did certain things that I found very incosiderate towards the relationship.
First he wanted to move aswell, however he mentioned very casually that he is thinking of moving to a place so far away I wouldn't really be able to visit him on a regular bases.
This made me angry and worried. We taked about it and he said he doesn't know where he's gonna move and he was just really stressed out because a lot was going on and thinking of the future is stressing him out.
Some time later the plan changed. So what he's going to do now is he's going to get a house in italy for the winter and when it's getting warmer he's getting a new flat here in germany where I live for the summer.
But the way he told me that was again absolutely inconsiderate.
Basically I missed a phone call from him. I asked what was up and he said "It's nothing important, just a bit of news about a flat I may buy in southern italy"
I was not even able to comprehend that until I had a breakdown a week later because it felt like this relationship is going to end when he moves away.
We talked about it again and he told me that it's necessary because his PTSD is getting so bad in winter that it affects his ability to do work and earn money. Of course after that I had more undertanding of him. But all that drama could've been avioded if he explained how this gonna work and not say "it's nothing important"
And he still didn't come up with a plan how this relationship supposed to work when he's gone.
Some time later he is now gone for around two month working on his car and he went on a vacaiton with his parents.
We reached the point where I am now and I really don't undertand him. He worked a shit ton so I kinda see why he might be very exhausted. I told him in the beginning, if you share a bit and send pictures of what you are working on it would make me feel better. Which he did. But it always felt very insincere. I think it happened a couple of times that I told him to do somehing I would expect from a boyfriend. I pretty much have to handle the bulk of the communication of this relationship as of now and he seems not interested in talking to me.
Note here, we talked about this multiple times. And he acknowledged that the roles kinda reversed, because one problem earlier on was that due to my possible autism I can't really have conversations. While this might be still a problematic with me, in my opinion I improved a lot. And my bf agrees we actually have some good conversations.
At the moment I think he still has a suck mindset from me from 3 years ago, when I was actually super incapable in anything including interacting with people properly. But i have not asked him yet if that is the case.
We had multiple talks where my boyfriend confirmed that he still wants to be in this relationship. The problem is that his behavior is indistinguishabe from someone who has no interest or just keeps me around for some reason. He's way better when we actually meet in person, but not over text.
on top of that, at some point I saw him interacting with other people (on a public forum) in a way nicer way than with me. Saying "Oh[name here] your're the best" and some other stuff. And when I saw that I got super jealous. He does have friends he talks to and shares more interest with and that is fine. But stuff like this looks to me like he's putting more effort into other people but me. Of couse I was looking at it that way when I was sad and it's just a few words on a public forum so it may not mean that much and he actually is aromantic anyway.
On the other side the last few days he was not talking at all and when i asked him he said he's playing video games all day. Since he doesn't talk about his emotions I concluded he must feel very bad or exhausted from all that work and traveling and I send him a super supportive text. Turns out, no he was just enjoying the game and he actually made a trip to a friend the day after.
I struggle to undertand him the way he is. Of course I know that it takes energy to talk to people (including me) and actually do stuff aswell due to his ptsd. He doesn't talk about his suffering, which I can undertand but that makes it difficult for me, because I don't understand his behavior and what is acceptable to expect from him under these conditions. And it's hard for me to emotionally deal with conflicting actions :/ Especially because we agreed to work on this relationship.
So unfortunately I have to ask in this forum for advice to find out what might be going on with him and what is reasonable to expect from him and how both him aswell as me can work out how a relationship works with his PTSD.
I turned to this forum because I really don't understand my boyfriend and how his PTSD affects this relationship.
First I have to explain some things.
We have been together for over 4 years now. From the beginning we had a bunch of problems. Mainly caused by his PTSD and I have ADHD and i'm also possibly slightly autistic.
At some point he wanted to break up with me. But we talked about it and his idea was that I move out and we both work on ourselves and for him to get rid of the mindset he got from my behaviour and then move in with each other again and start new. This was at the end of last year.
However when I actually got a potential flat he told me that it would be better if I stay there.
And at the beginning of the year all the way to spring we did work on things and tried what stuff we can do together.
I am to this day not very pleased because we can't see each other every weekend but ok we were working on things and it was going pretty well.
But he did certain things that I found very incosiderate towards the relationship.
First he wanted to move aswell, however he mentioned very casually that he is thinking of moving to a place so far away I wouldn't really be able to visit him on a regular bases.
This made me angry and worried. We taked about it and he said he doesn't know where he's gonna move and he was just really stressed out because a lot was going on and thinking of the future is stressing him out.
Some time later the plan changed. So what he's going to do now is he's going to get a house in italy for the winter and when it's getting warmer he's getting a new flat here in germany where I live for the summer.
But the way he told me that was again absolutely inconsiderate.
Basically I missed a phone call from him. I asked what was up and he said "It's nothing important, just a bit of news about a flat I may buy in southern italy"
I was not even able to comprehend that until I had a breakdown a week later because it felt like this relationship is going to end when he moves away.
We talked about it again and he told me that it's necessary because his PTSD is getting so bad in winter that it affects his ability to do work and earn money. Of course after that I had more undertanding of him. But all that drama could've been avioded if he explained how this gonna work and not say "it's nothing important"
And he still didn't come up with a plan how this relationship supposed to work when he's gone.
Some time later he is now gone for around two month working on his car and he went on a vacaiton with his parents.
We reached the point where I am now and I really don't undertand him. He worked a shit ton so I kinda see why he might be very exhausted. I told him in the beginning, if you share a bit and send pictures of what you are working on it would make me feel better. Which he did. But it always felt very insincere. I think it happened a couple of times that I told him to do somehing I would expect from a boyfriend. I pretty much have to handle the bulk of the communication of this relationship as of now and he seems not interested in talking to me.
Note here, we talked about this multiple times. And he acknowledged that the roles kinda reversed, because one problem earlier on was that due to my possible autism I can't really have conversations. While this might be still a problematic with me, in my opinion I improved a lot. And my bf agrees we actually have some good conversations.
At the moment I think he still has a suck mindset from me from 3 years ago, when I was actually super incapable in anything including interacting with people properly. But i have not asked him yet if that is the case.
We had multiple talks where my boyfriend confirmed that he still wants to be in this relationship. The problem is that his behavior is indistinguishabe from someone who has no interest or just keeps me around for some reason. He's way better when we actually meet in person, but not over text.
on top of that, at some point I saw him interacting with other people (on a public forum) in a way nicer way than with me. Saying "Oh[name here] your're the best" and some other stuff. And when I saw that I got super jealous. He does have friends he talks to and shares more interest with and that is fine. But stuff like this looks to me like he's putting more effort into other people but me. Of couse I was looking at it that way when I was sad and it's just a few words on a public forum so it may not mean that much and he actually is aromantic anyway.
On the other side the last few days he was not talking at all and when i asked him he said he's playing video games all day. Since he doesn't talk about his emotions I concluded he must feel very bad or exhausted from all that work and traveling and I send him a super supportive text. Turns out, no he was just enjoying the game and he actually made a trip to a friend the day after.
I struggle to undertand him the way he is. Of course I know that it takes energy to talk to people (including me) and actually do stuff aswell due to his ptsd. He doesn't talk about his suffering, which I can undertand but that makes it difficult for me, because I don't understand his behavior and what is acceptable to expect from him under these conditions. And it's hard for me to emotionally deal with conflicting actions :/ Especially because we agreed to work on this relationship.
So unfortunately I have to ask in this forum for advice to find out what might be going on with him and what is reasonable to expect from him and how both him aswell as me can work out how a relationship works with his PTSD.
